The Shame

I feel so dirty.

Last weekend I purchased The Item. The Item is something I swore I would never purchase, but even worse was that in order to buy The Item I had to go directly to the source by going someplace that is the equivalent of my own personal Hades. Granted, The Item was a gift for my mother, something she’s wanted for years, but just the thought of touching The Item made my skin crawl and my anus bleed. I waited and waited and waited for it to go out of fashion, hoping that someone out there would invent something better than The Item that I could buy instead, but my wait was in vain. And so, on a beautiful Saturday morning I found myself standing outside the doors of the one place I swore I would never enter in order to buy the one thing I swore I would never buy.

My pants were damp and smelled of fear.

Steeling myself for the onslaught I expected, I took a deep breath and opened the door to the Shrine of Stylocity. The first thing I noticed was the blinding light, and in my head I heard a scared voice scream, “It burnsss usssss!” As my eyes adjusted to the sharp, piercing white light I began making out other details of the place. The cleanliness of the shelves, the spotless floors, the purity of the design, everything was so… clean. I felt like I was in a temple devoted to the god Mr. Clean and run by anal retentive OCD acolytes armed with OxyClean.

I swear, the glass stairs were so clean they sparkled.

Shaking my head in disbelief I slowly made my way through the store looking for The Item. After a few moments I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks and took another look around, this time at the people, and my jaw hit the floor. The people… the customers who were here to spend money… were smiling! They almost seemed happy to be in this place, spending their hard earned cash on these… things.

I didn’t see anyone drinking it, but I knew there was KoolAid somewhere nearby.

Then I noticed that some of the smiling people worked at the store. Looking closer, I realized that these worker drones were… could it be? Were they actually helping people?! And… and… the people they were helping were actually smiling?! No, this was not possible. It must be some sort of trick, some sort of facade they put up whenever they notice an enemy of their religion entering their temple. It couldn’t be real, no one is really ever happy to shop for these things. And even if you were happy, you’d never find a helpful, knowledgeable salesperson in the store willing to take the time to show you around and explain everything to you until you actually understood what they were talking about. Obviously, they were all actors and this was a show they were putting on for my benefit to trick me. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder and my stomach flipped over.

“Good morning, sir. Can I help you find something?”
“Don’t touch me! I don’t want to catch your religion!”
“… the hell?”
“Ahem. Sorry. Just… nervous.”
“Oh. I see. So, can I help you find something or answer any questions?”
“Uhmmm… I just need one of those… things.”
“Things?”
“Yeah. The thing that… wait, there they are.”
“Oh! Yes, they’re very popular. Is there a specific one you want today?”
“The… uh, red one.”
“This one?”
“Gurgle.”
“Sir? Are you alright?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be fine. Just threw up a little in my mouth. Nothing to worry about.”
“Alright. If you’ll wait right here for a moment I’ll go get you a red one.”
“Should I wait on line or anything?”
“Are you paying with cash or credit?”
“Credit.”
“Then there’s no need to wait on line. I can take your payment right here through this wireless register.”
“You are fricking kidding me.”
“Uh… no sir. We take customer service very seriously.”
“GAK!”
“Sir? Are you ok?”
“Just a minor heart attack, ignore it. Happens all the time. Here’s my credit card.”
“Alright sir, I’ve totaled everything up, your stuff is in the bag and your receipt will be emailed to you within an hour. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”
“Tell me the truth, there’s some sort of hallucinogen being pumped into the air here, right?”
“No sir.”
“Are you an actor or a company plant?”
“Nope.”
“So, this is what it’s like all the time here?”
“Yes sir, customer satisfaction is our number one priority.”
“…”
“Sir?”
“Am I dead?”
“… Noooo…”
“Will you… will you marry me?”
“Sir… I don’t…”
“No, not you. I mean this place. The whole place and everyone and everything in it. Married. To me. Right now.”
“Uhm… no sir. You can’t marry a store.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty much, yes.”
“Well, then. I guess I’m done.”
“Ok. Enjoy your iPod Nano and thank you for shopping at the Apple store!”

And I went home smiling. The bastards.