The New Deal

Not being a great follower of the political climate in Washington DC, I still managed to summon the energy to do my civic duty and even managed to suppress my gag reflex long enough to watch the election coverage on my brand-spanking new digital cable enabled TV.

Oh yeah, 346 channels and TechTV. Geek Heaven, indeed.

Anywaste, I have my political beliefs and I’ve found through the years that although I sometimes agree with one party or the other on certain issues, neither party really reflects the totality of my political beliefs. It’s been irking me for some time now that there doesn’t really seem to be a political party that truly cares about what’s best for common Americans living their daily lives first, and then the big corporations and foreign governments, in that order.

And so I’m introducing a brand new political party. The Geek Party!

The Geek Party is a brand new political party and as such, we recognize the need to explain what we stand for to our small, but growing, constituency. Below are just a few of the key issues facing the people of America today and our proposed solutions.

• The official symbol of the Geek Party is the Scorpion. We’re nice enough when left alone, but piss us off and we’ll sting you to death and then make a nest in your empty eye socket.
• The Geek Party believes in edjumication, because the future depends on our chill’in bein smahtah den da udder chill’in of da whorld. That’s why we support corporate sponsored schools, because although the government might not be able to pay our teachers the salaries they deserve or create smaller classes for our children, we all know deep-pocketed and morally ambiguous corporations can. Drink Coke.
• We also believe people should support themselves after retirement because lord knows Social Security is a crock of poo. That’s why, when elected to office, our party members will put forth the ‘Cut ’em Loose’ bill. In essence, this bill states that anyone born before December 31, 1950 will receive Social Security, but those born after that date are on their own and get no help from the government. Don’t come crying to us, moron. You’re the one who didn’t save for the future.
• We recognize that most Americans hate taxes, but we also know that without taxes we wont get rich paid. Which is why we promise that we will introduce legislation that will abolish taxes. That’s right, no more taxes, ever. That’s because we’ll be changing the name from ‘taxes’ to ‘Mandatory Government Donations’. MGDs will begin at a nationwide flat rate of 45% with a 2% increase every three years until reaching the maximum of 85%. Their are no exemptions or write-offs for anyone earning more than $250K a year and we believe that Bill Gates’ MGD alone will pay off the nations debt. See? Everybody wins.
• The Geek Party understands that small businesses are the heart of the American economy because they drive innovation and create new jobs. This is why we promise to regulate the crap out of any company with more than 500 employees and/or generating more than $1 billion a year. The first new law; upper management only gets paid if the company turns a profit. Period. Second law; all middle managers are to be publicly executed by rubber-band-gun wielding mailroom clerks and then chopped up and fed to the homeless.
• The Geek Party is against the departments of Defense and the Office of Homeland Security as they are now known and wishes to disband those offices and create a new, improved department for dealing with the defense of America. This new office will be known as the Department of Retaliation and Annexation. It would be the DRAs goal to kick the ass of any country or group who ever threatens the US or our interests and then take over that country or group and rule with an iron fist. The DRA’s first order of business would be to annex Canada and Mexico, rename them Hockey and Greater Texas respectively and then turn their attention towards the Middle East. It is our belief that after seeing what we’re willing to do to our allies and neighbors, those countries with a ‘beef’ against America will be properly frightened and do their very best not to piss us off. If that doesn’t work, we’ll simply send some Bloggers out there and let them decimate the countryside with their vitriolic verbosity. Pack your bags Michele and Sekimori, your country needs you.
• We acknowledge that health care in this country is horribly ineffective, so we will introduce bills to abolish the current health care system and create a brand new system in its place. First, any drug that treats the symptoms of a disease or illness must be made freely available to any and all patients, free of charge. Only those drugs or treatments that actively cure the disease or illness may be charged for by the drug companies. Secondly; all doctors must perform a certain number of free procedures or do a certain number of hours of community health service a year based on their yearly income. This is mandatory, so suck it up, Mr. Fancy Doctor with the brand new Porsche.
• The Geek Party also believes in saving the environment, which is why we will invest heavily in the space program. The sooner we build a space station or moon base and get all the humans off this planet, the better. Right, Mister Bigglesworth? Riiiiight.

If a specific issue that’s close to your heart hasn’t been addressed by the preceding list of the most common issues facing American voters, then please write us and we’ll do our best to ignore your question and entice you to donate to our party anyway. If you wish to join our new party then leave us a comment and a small donation of 33,529,999,999.75 Romania Lei via PayPal and we’ll be happy to keep the money.

Thank you for your support.