Thankful? For This?!

I need a vacation.

My Thanksgiving holiday was absolutely fabulous… except for the whole driving 660 miles to Ann Arbor in the rain on the very day that everyone else in the whole world was going there! Don’t get me wrong, spending time with my brother- and sister-in-law and their three kids is a whole lot of fun, especially because the two boys seem to really enjoy it when I beat the crap out of them, but the whole driving thing? Well, let’s just say I wish I owned a real Halo Warthog, complete with machinegun turret, for the drive.

Or maybe the Scorpion Tank…

Anywaste, after 11.5 hours of driving, we finally made it to their lovely abode where HoBiscuit finally woke up enough to get out of the car to go to bed and I got to relieve my bladder. The next day was spent indoors as the entire family helped prepare the Thanksgiving dinner, in-between challenging each other to Halo Deathmatches. Immediately after dinner my brother-in-law, henceforth to be known as PrairieDog, sequestered me to the back room of the house so we could “formulate a plan of attack” for Operation Black Friday.

Seriously. He has camouflage face paint and everything.

After searching online for specials and flipping through all the newspaper ads for the best deals, we had our target. Beast Bye, the blue and yellow mega-superstore. We knew our target would open its doors at 6am and so, with the knowledge and foresight of a seasoned Black Friday veteran, PrairieDog laid out our gear, set the alarm clocks for 0500, and ordered me to bed.

Not his, thankfully.

I thought he had been kidding when he said that other people were even more fanatical about this shopping day than he was. I might have even laughed as he instructed me on how to properly wear my elbow and kneepads to safely deflect old ladies and small children away from the display containing the last spindle of 100 DVD-R’s for $20. I mean seriously, this wasn’t a football game. No one was tailgating in the parking lot, offering up chilidogs and hot cocoa for all the rabid BF fans. I remember laughing to myself, right before I fell asleep, as I wondered how anyone in their right mind could ever justify waiting for hours and hours on line, outside in the frigid Ann Arbor morning air, just to get inside a store and buy something for a couple of bucks cheaper than it normally sold for.

Well, let me tell you that at 6:00am I was no longer laughing.

When we arrived at Beast Bye at 5:55am the line was already all the way down block and around the corner. As we walked to the back of the line we counted the people and I believe that at last count we concluded that every living soul in Michigan, Ohio, Indiana and possibly Pennsylvania was there. Ahead of us. As we waited to enter the store, employees in blue shirts would intermittently walk the line to inform us of all the wonderful items they had for sale that were no longer available because the greedy bums ahead of us had already bought them all. Each time this happened more and more people would leave the line with their cell phones to their ears, shouting instructions to other family members waiting in line at other stores, and dash to their cars to go wait in another line for another store for yet another sale.

It would’ve been funny if I weren’t freezing my butt off.

When we finally got into the store I was in for a shock. The aisles were all blocked by displays! You could only move through the store by following everyone else down one aisle and up the next. No free range of movement, no browsing the aisles for what you wanted and then quickly getting on the checkout line, no actual shopping. Instead, we had to shuffle down each aisle with the rest of humanity and hope and pray that there would still be something left for us when we reached the displays that carried what we wanted. News travels fast in an environment like that and at 7:15am, when the word came down the line that there were only 18 of the $189 17” LCD monitors left, we knew we were in trouble. Caught up in the moment, I did what I had sworn only moments earlier that I would never do, and called my mother back home in NY.

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are you at Staples’ big sale?”
“You know I am. Why, you need something?”
“Yeah. Do they have anymore of those $199 17” LCD’s left?”
“I think so.”
“Great. Uh… do you think you can get me one…”
[frantic waving and puppy dog eyes from PrairieDog]
“Ehrm… make that two?”
“Hold on, let me ask this nice salesboy…”
“…”
“He says that I already have two so he can’t give me four. But, my friend is here with me and she’s only buying one so she could get another one for you. But we can’t get two.”
“That’s alright Mom, just get me the one. Maybe we’ll get lucky here and get one of the last screens for PrairieDog.”
“OK. Bye.”
“Bye.”
[Beast Bye Blue Shirt hands the last LCD to girl directly in front of PrairieDog]
“That’s the last LCD people! If you wanted one, I’m sorry to tell you that we’re all out!”
[PrairieDog glares at girl and contemplates grand theft and/or murder]
“Easy PrairieDog! No need to kill her yourself, I think the other 5,000 people behind us will do it for you.”
“Girl, you better hope I don’t see you in the parking lot! You’re lucky he’s holding me back! That’s my screen, mine! I’ll swallow your soul, you little witch! Glargh!”
“Best. Thanksgiving. Ever.” /sarcasm

We didn’t get out of that madhouse until 9:30am and all we had to show for our 3.5 hours of hell were two DVDs, one CD, a spindle of DVD-R’s and a memory stick. We saved $40. Whoopie. Good thing we brought PrairieDog’s big truck or we might never have been able to carry all of our loot home. Once we did get home though, everyone piled into the car and we went to another mall to do more shopping. By the time we left for home at 9pm I was ready to run amok with a chainsaw if I had to walk into another store selling last years fashions or outdated electronics at 40%-60% off ‘regular’ store prices. But with all my whining and complaining about the crowds, falsely reduced prices and fake sales, I somehow still managed to buy a few things for myself. And for those who care, yes I did buy myself some new boxer-brief underwear.

And yeah, the boys are happy.

BTW, I need some help here.

Anyone know a way to automatically shut off comments on old posts? While I was away some of my older posts got hit pretty hard with comment spam and it’s taken me almost an hour to filter them all out, even with MT-Blacklist to help. If you have an idea, please email it to me. GeekMan at The Mighty Geek.

Dankashane.