St. Geekwhere

“Doctor, you have to come quickly, there’s a patient in dire need of medical attention!”

“Pardon me for a moment Mr. Davidson while I deal with this interruption.”

[Doctor turns from his patient to face Intern]

“You’re a first year intern, right?”

“I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but yes, I am.”

“Right. So intern, tell me what’s wrong with this patient you’re so worried about.”

“I don’t really know, doctor. He was wheeled in on a hand-truck by his wife.”

“Wait. He was admitted on a hand-truck?”

“Yes, doctor. By his wife.”

“That’s new. Must be a clever woman. Well, go on.”

“His wife says she found him standing in the middle of their apartment with all the color drained from his face and holding some papers. She says she thought he was just joking around until she realized he’d been standing immobile for most of the day. After a cursory check when she got here, I think he’s in some sort of massive shock.”

“Hmmm… I see. Continue.”

“Well, she said that he must have been screaming something fierce for most of the day because the neighbors complained to her about the noise when she got home. Even more frightening, you can tell he’s still trying to scream but nothing is coming out except the harsh sound of air coursing through ruined vocal cords.”

“Ah. That seems in line with the norm. But tell me, are there any other symptoms?”

“Yes doctor, there are a few other strange things about this patient. For one thing, his eyes.”

“His eyes?”

“Yes. His eyes are truly frightening. They scare me more than any other person I’ve ever met. Truth to tell they scare me spitless and I’ve been working the ER for almost nine months now.”

“Describe his eyes for me.”

“Well, they’re wide open and bloodshot with almost all of the whites showing. There’s also a little bit of dried, brownish colored crust under them, as if he’d been crying blood for hours before being found. If I didn’t know any better I would swear he came face to face with death itself.”

“I understand. Well, it’s nothing to really worry about. Give him a shot of testosterone and send him home.”

“What?! Doctor, this man is still in a catatonic state! You can’t possibly release him after only a single shot of testosterone! Especially when you haven’t even examined him!”

“Listen intern, I’ve been treating patients for over twenty years and believe me when I tell you that his condition is nothing abnormal. Especially at this time of the year.”

“What does the time of the year have to do with anything?”

“It’s April. The 15th to be exact.”

“So?”

“Sigh. So, he’s in shock because of the tremendous amount of money he needs to pay to the government, hence the catatonic state and the tears of blood. His eyes are showing their whites because he feels trapped due to his inability to discover a way out of paying so much money in one shot. By giving him 50cc’s of testosterone we’ll be helping him reassert his manhood, allowing him to remember that by paying his taxes he is free and clear for another year. That will lead him to wanting to drown his sorrows in video games and carbonated beverages, which will in turn lead to him being yelled at by his wife for being a lazy and wasteful husband. This will soon spiral out of control until, years from now, he will be admitted to the ER once again with traumatic head wounds in the shape of women’s shoes. Is that explanation sufficient, or shall I tell you again using smaller words and speaking slower?”

“No. I understand now.”

“Good.”

“…”

“Oh, for crying out loud. What is it?”

“You didn’t have to be so mean…”

“Sigh. OK, I’m sorry. How about we admit the catatonic loser and you can give him a rectal exam?”

“You mean it?! Really?!”

“Sure. Consider it my peace offering, ok?”

“Can I ‘forget’ to use the lubricant?”

“What lubricant?”

“You’re my favorite Doctor, ever!”

“I know. Hurry now, you wouldn’t want him to get away, would you?”

“No sir! See you after work! Bye!”

“Ah, it takes so little to amuse the interns. So, Mr. Davidson, where were we? Oh yes, you wanted a vasectomy…”

“No. I just came in to get some allergy medicine.”

“Right. A vasectomy and triple bypass it is. Nurse, prep the patient.”

“Noooo…”