Sneaking Around

I need new sneakers.

The sneakers I have now are so worn out and threadbare that lazy-eyed, pest-infested homeless people often stop me on the street and offer their shelter-donated 1978 Converse’s to me out of pity. The laces are so stretched out from constant tying and untying that they drag on the ground as I walk, even after double looping.

The treads are so worn down that I leave toe prints in mud.

I bought these sneakers over 14 months ago while I was in Puerto Rico. They’re old now and in need of retirement. If they had invested more wisely when they were new, then they might have been able to retire early with a nice pension. But did they? No.

Like most sneakers, they never thought of the future and now they’re paying for it.

You see, I’ve got my eye on a brand new pair. They’re hot. Colorful, sleek and sexy, they try to seduce me every time I pass by the Super-Sneaker-Store near my apartment. With their thick treads, bright colors and scuff-less outer leather shell they mock my worn out, beaten up, old, yet totally comfortable and reliable pair of sneaks. I find myself hating my old friends, this trusted pair of black & white with puke green accents Reeboks, just because they’re there. I blame them for every half-trip and stubbed toe in recent memory and sometimes even curse them in public. Loudly.

I even blame them when schoolgirls mock my Geeky walk to amuse their friends.

So now I find that I want those new sexy sneaks. Trade up, my inner self says. You deserve better. Sure, these old dogs were good once, they had bounce and style and panache. But what have they done for you lately, huh? Made you pratfall when you were trying to be cool for the cute girl behind the counter at Subway? Helped you feel like a wino-bum looking for a handout when you ran into your old Jr. High girlfriend, who’s now a successful CEO of a multi-billion dollar biotech company?

Don’t you deserve better?

Yes. Yes, I do. I deserve better and I’m going to prove it by buying new sneakers. It might not be much but maybe, just maybe, buying these sneakers will help turn my life around. Maybe I’ll find my niche, my own personal style. Perhaps all it will take is a brand new pair of sneaks to help me throw off this humble, Geeky outer shell and become the rock star, international super spy or Nobel Peace Prize winner that I’ve always known I could be. With those new sneaks I could be famous, I could be rich, and I could even be a contender!

Or, most likely, I’ll just be another Geek with a pair of ugly, overpriced sneakers. Whatever.