Roast Geek, Anyone?

I went to a family barbeque on Sunday. Here are some highlights lowlights.

Aunt Vodka: “Geek! How are you? How are the wedding plans coming along?”
GeekMan: “They’re coming along fine, Aunt Vodka. How are you?”
Aunt Vodka: “FABulous! You know we bought the new computer thing, right?”
GeekMan: “No. What did you get?”
Aunt Vodka: “A really good looking one! Oh, it’s just DARLING. All retro and futuristic at the same time. And it even has one of those flat televisions, too.”
GeekMan: “You mean an LCD monitor?”
Aunt Vodka: “What’s a monitor?”
GeekMan: “Lord, give me strength.”

Uncle Cigar: “Hey GeekMan, did your aunt tell you we bought the new computer?”
GeekMan: “Hi Uncle Cigar. Why, I’m just fine, by the way. Thanks for asking. And yes, she did.”
Uncle Cigar: “It’s a new IMAC. 17” screen. Looks great. Very slick.”
GeekMan: “That’s nice. I’m glad you both like the way it looks. But how’s it run? Does it do everything you want it to do?”
Uncle Cigar: “I don’t know.”
GeekMan: “You don’t know?”
Uncle Cigar: “Nope. We can’t get it to work yet. We’re waiting for you.”
GeekMan: “You’re waiting for me? For what!?”
Uncle Cigar: “What do you think? We need you to set it up and make it do the things we want it to do. So, when are you coming over?”
GeekMan: “So, this is Hell. Hmph. Nice furniture.”

Cousin BBQ: “GeekMan! How’s the wedding plans coming along?”
GeekMan: “Great, great. How are you doing with the new baby?”
Cousin BBQ: “She’s great.”
GeekMan: “She’s a cutie, too.”
Cousin BBQ: “Yep, she sure is.”
GeekMan: “…”
Cousin BBQ: “Ahem. So, could you take a look at our computer? It’s got a problem with AOL or something…”
GeekMan: “Wow! A whole 30 seconds! I think that’s a new record.”

Grampa: “GeekMan. Why don’t you visit?”
GeekMan: “Grandpa, I do visit. I was just over your house last week, wasn’t I?”
Grampa: “Last week doesn’t matter! I’m old! I could be dead in a week! You should visit every day.”
GeekMan: “I’ll try to come over more often, but it’s hard when I’m working, you know.”
Grampa: “Speaking of your work, you need to come over and fix our computer. There’s no sound anymore and we don’t like playing cribbage without the sound.”
GeekMan: “Shoot me. Now.”

Mom: “Hi GeekMan, how’s the wedding plans?”
GeekMan: “They’re fine mom, how are you?”
Mom: “I’m okay.”
GeekMan: “…”
Mom: “…”
GeekMan: “Mom, what’s wrong?”
Mom: “I want a new computer. And a printer and a scanner, too. But I don’t know anything about this computer stuff so you’ll have to do the research and tell me what to get. And set it up, of course.”
GeekMan: “…”
Mom: “What’s wrong, GeekMan?”
GeekMan: “Quiet! I’m trying to use my latent psychic abilities to cause my own brain to boil and thus kill myself.”
Mom: “Don’t be silly. And stop making those faces; you’ll give yourself an aneurism.”
GeekMan: “I was going for heart attack, but I guess aneurism will have to do.”

Happy Fathers Day.