Riddle Me This

Welcome to the first installment of Ask Geeky Bread!

Over the last two days my inbox has been deluged with a virtual rainstorm of questions from you, my loyal readership. Because of the huge amount of questions I’ve received, and also because I’m very tired and it’s very late, I’ve decided to hand over the whole operation to Bread and let him deal with all these wacky questions. I’m sorry to spring this on all of you like this, but Bread’s insisting that I let him do something around here or he’s going to make my life even more miserable than it is now.

And although I can’t imagine what he could do, he swears it won’t be pleasant.

Because he seems to think that he has some sort of life beyond this website, Bread’s also going to limit his answers to just two questions for this first installment of Ask Geeky Bread!. This weeks questions have been selected randomly from my inbox and if Bread’s answers should offend one of you, well… I don’t really think Bread cares.

So, without further delay, let’s get knowledgeable!

Sharon, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes;

Dear GeekMan Bread,
I love your site and am hoping that you can help me. I’ve been single for a long time and have prayed every night for a new man to come into my life and make me feel complete, but so far the Lord hasn’t answered me. Where can I find someone who will make me happy for the rest of my life?
Sharon
P.S. Please keep me anonymous.

Dear Loser Named Sharon,

I don’t usually play the matchmaker, especially for losers like you, but you know what, Sharon? I think I may have found the perfect man for you. He’s a loving, generous, caring and forgiving man who’s always been sympathetic to the needs of everyone around him with never a thought for himself. If you like to party, he’s always throwing big dinner soirées and doing simple magic tricks to keep his guests entertained between courses. And even though he was born in a barn and raised on a farm he still loves to walk the city streets and just hang out all night. If you think he might be the one for you, you can visit his website and contact him yourself, but be warned; his father can be a little intimidating to those he doesn’t like.

On the other hand Sharon, maybe you’re just too fricking ugly to ever find a man and should just give up and start looking outside your species. I’m not saying that I’d sleep with ya, but I know a guy who has a friend who works in a zoo and he says that the silver back gorillas ain’t too picky.

JadedJu asks;

Dear MightyMan MightyBread:
Should I pursue the woman who flirts mercilessly with me, although she lives with her partner of three years? Especially if I’m really attracted to her? Even if I know morally it’s wrong?
Love and Kisses,
The Jaded One

Dear Jaded One,

When faced with this confusing moral dilemma I usually tell people to remember that anyone who cheats in order to be with them now will probably be willing to cheat on them later. However, since you are obviously a desperate woman willing to sacrifice pride, self esteem and moral fortitude in order to finally end her Sahara-like sexual dry spell, I will instead educate you on the finer points of successfully stealing a lover without losing friends and still coming off as the innocent good-guy while the relationships around you dissolve into seething jealousy and vicious hatred. There are three steps to doing this and they are as follows:

1. First, seduce the partner of the person you actually want to be with. Male or female, straight or gay, once you’ve charmed them into doing so little as smile warmly at you from across a crowded room in full view of their lover they’re as good as gone.
2. Next, tell the person you want to be with that their lover has been coming on to you, or groping you, or visually raping you, or stealing into your home to wear your underwear, and that as a “friend” you thought they should know that their lover was a sicko, cheating, lying, dirty whore that didn’t deserve to be with such a wonderful, smart, exciting, hot and sexy person like themselves
3. Now, when the person you want to be with starts crying on your “friendly” and supportive shoulder over their horrible choice of lover, stick your tongue in their mouth and your hand down their pants and show them just how good a “friend” you can be in their time of need. In the morning, after they’ve had the best sex of their lives and have forgotten all about whatstherename, they’ll be thrilled to be your love slave forever and you shall never want for human companionship ever again.

Or you could just buy a companion and call it a day.

So there you have it, the first two questions ever answered for Ask Geeky Bread! Now all of you out there should be racking your empty, fricking brains trying to come up with other questions for me to answer or I’ll come over to your house and poop in your shoes. Don’t be shy and don’t delay, send those questions with the subject line “The Mighty Question” to the loser who runs this site, geekman at the mighty geek dot com and I’ll be sure to give you an answer you won’t never forget!

What’re you waiting for? Start asking!

BTW, thank you for all your well wishes. Mr. Hentai is doing fine.