Probing Questions

Cobblestones suck.

Over the holiday weekend, for the first time in over 15 years, I rode a bike. Oh, it was fun and invigorating and wonderful to be back on a bike of course, and I fully admit that I’m very glad HoBiscuit and I bought each other bikes as birthday presents. But there is one thing that I discovered after our first ride that I did not like at all.

My balls hurt.

Well, that’s not absolutely true. They didn’t hurt exactly, they just kind of questioned what was going on. Actually, it’s far more accurate to say that my nads tingled and throbbed as I rode my way down bumpy street after bumpy street perched upon that tiny triangle of torture called a seat. I don’t know why my nether regions reacted the way they did, sending probing shocks up my spine as if to ask, “What’s going on out there? Are we under attack or are we being fondled? We don’t know whether to be excited or scared, so please someone out there let us know what we should do, ok? Hello? Hello?”

It was a confusing time for all of me.

What I do know is that by hour two of that ride I couldn’t feel them anymore. And let me tell you that for a guy who spends as much alone time with his private parts as I do, not being able to feel them was a bit more than just disconcerting. At one point, after a particularly bumpy street, I had to stop and check to make sure they hadn’t fallen off and become the newest addition to some squirrels secret stash of midwinter snacks. I can just imagine the squirrel sitting by a warm fire in his burrow, sipping a nice Chianti and sharing fried GeekNuts with his lady friend as they laugh the cold winter away.

“Oh Penthorpe, these nuts are simply divine!”
“Why thank you, Lucinda. I’m ever so glad that you enjoyed them.”
“Are they chestnuts?”
“No my dear, they’re GeekNuts.”
“Oh! How astonishing! I didn’t know they were still in season.”
“They’re not. I kept them in a pile of manure all autumn so they would stay fresh for the winter. Just for you, my sweet.”
“Penthorpe, you’re so clever!”
“And the best part is the stupid Geek probably won’t even miss them!”
“Of course he won’t, my love. He’s a Geek, afterall!”
“Hahahahaha!”
“Hehehehehe!”

Damn, I hate squirrels.