Pick Me A Winner

Since I’ve been so busy over the last few months, it wasn’t until today that I finally found the time to go to the gym. It was the first time since March that I’ve exercised, and before long my muscles were letting me know just how unhappy they were. They creaked, groaned and burned. They screamed in agony and hemorrhaged under the stress of lifting 5lb. dumbbells.

I am Geek. Hear me whimper.

As I was doing my requisite “Oh Dear Lord Please Kill Me Now” stomach crunches, I noticed a fabulously beautiful woman sitting on a stationary bike across from me. She was staring straight ahead with such a look of intense concentration on her pretty face that I thought she was going to bend a spoon or spontaneously combust or something. I can’t be sure, but for a second I thought I saw a potted plant across the room move all by itself.

Of course, that could also have been my vision blurring as I completed my second stomach crunch.

At first, since I was attempting to do my third stomach crunch in a row without vomiting my liver onto the floor of the gym, I didn’t quite understand what she was doing, just sitting there with such an intense look of concentration on her face. Granted, I could barely see her face because one hand was covering it from the nose down while her other hand was underneath the first doing some strange dance. The ‘hand-jive’ seemed to involve lots of vigorous side to side movements and she seemed to be concentrating awfully hard on doing it right. Looking closer, it actually didn’t seem like a dance at all. In fact, it looked more like she was scraping, or digging, or…

Oh. Eeeewwwww!

After several minutes, yes minutes, of digging, she apparently found what she was looking for and removed the offensive clump of mucus from her nasal passageway. It’s a shame that I was so far away because after watching in fascination during her entire performance, my curiosity was piqued and I really wanted to know what it was that could cause such an otherwise attractive person to do something so unattractive in public.

Like a 7 car pileup on the interstate, I wanted to see the bodies.

Like most humans who have removed something weird and/or disgusting from their own body, she took a moment to inspected her prize. She held it up to the light and scrutinized the exorcised object with an almost scientific eye. I can’t say for certain, but she may have even sniffed it.

If she had tried to taste it, I would have puked.

Then, after what I can only assume was some great internal struggle weighing the pros and cons of actually keeping the gelatinous gob of mucus as a pet, she casually reached under the bike seat and wiped her finger clean! She then got up, grabbed her bottle of water from the floor and, without once making eye contact with anyone who had seen her heinous act, left the gym. I’ve never seen her before and I hope to god I never see her again.

Needless to say, I will never use that particular stationary bike again. Ever.