Excerpt From The 2002 M.I.N.I.’s Awards

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   1

“The king is dead, long live the king.”

“Not since the awe-inspiring McSalad Shaker from McDonalds has there been a more worthy recipient of the award for Most Innovative Non-Invention of the Year. This year’s competition was fierce, with Pledge’s Pledge Wipes making a strong showing against the hopeful newcomer Pasta Pronta’s Pasta Cooker With Stainless Steel Strainer Lid.”

“Strong contenders both, but ultimately they fell to the champ.”

“Today I am proud to announce the winner of 2002’s Most Innovative Non-Invention of the Year. This year’s winner has done what many of its fellow products have wished to do all year. By simply making a minor change in packaging, and without changing any other part of itself in the slightest (except for a meager increase in price, ha – ha), our winner has managed to fool the general public into believing that a monumental, earth-shattering, life-altering change has taken place.”

“Huey Lewis said it best. It certainly is ‘Hip to Be a Square’.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado please allow me to introduce the marketing genius we are all here to celebrate tonight. The winner of the brand new Mini Cooper and the all expense paid trip to Warwick, New Jersey… Ocean Spray’s New Square Bottle!”

[wild applause]

“Thank you. Thank you all. This is such an honor, even more so since my childhood hero, Mr. Pooper-Scooper himself, is presenting it. Oh dear lord, I’m going to cry. I have so many people to thank, so many who contributed to this award behind the scenes. Please bear with me and I’ll try to be brief. I just hope I don’t forget anyone.”

[paper rustles]

“I’d like to thank the Academy, the grocers, and all the people who drink cranberry juice. I’d also like to thank my bottler, Murray Chipowski. He’s a great guy and I wouldn’t be here if not for him. Brian, Jess, Helen and Javier in marketing for that wonderful introductory commercial, you guys rock! My agent Bill Jedburro and my manager Sid Venturo. Thanks guys, you really earned your 30%! Oh, and thank You God, because without His guidance through the year I would have quit long ago. He keeps me humble. Thank you, all of you. I love you all. Save the Whales!”

[leaves stage to thunderous applause]
[runs back]

“Oh crap! I almost forgot. Thank you to Venessa, my wife! Oh honey, I didn’t mean to forget you! Please let me back in the house? I promise to never ask you to do that for me again. I swear. And my kids! I love you guys, no matter what your grandmother tells you while I’m away. Don’t listen to her because you know she’s a nutcase. I’m taking counseling now, so I promise I won’t yell at you anymore. I’m getting better, I swear. Please. It’s cold in the shelter and I miss my family…”

[a sobbing Square Bottle is led offstage by beautiful handler]
[uncomfortable silence]

“Ahem… well, I guess it’s a good thing we gave him a Mini Cooper then, huh?”

[uproarious laughter from audience as Mr. Pooper-Scooper mugs for the crowd]
[sound of muffled gunshot from backstage]
[cut to commercial]

Throat Scabs

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   165

“What the heck?”

I stared at the tiny, hard, white and rubbery thing that I had just coughed up in consternation. I didn’t remember eating anything like what I was holding in my hand, and since the offending object had somehow managed to crawl up from the depths of my esophagus without my noticing it until it began its tickle torture on my uvula, I wanted to know what the hell it was before I smooshed it between my fingers and tossed it in the trash. What can I say? After being forced to watch Joe Millionaire last night I was feeling particularly vindictive.

Yeah, I’m petty. So what?

The offending object had the color of dirty milk and, by the way it had managed to ravage my throat as it made its escape from my windpipe, an outer shell made of equal parts sandpaper, old leather and ground glass. It was about the size of half a grain of rice, but squashed flat with a small lump in the center. Kind of like it’s nucleus, so to speak.

Rolling it between my fingers had no effect on its shape.

I started listing everything I had eaten in the last few days in my head trying to figure out what this alien embryo was made of. After about half an hour I found that I was making myself hungry but was still completely flabbergasted and no closer to identifying my mystery throat ejaculate than I had been before I began. Shrugging mentally, I flicked the offensive piece of detritus off my hand and continued on my way, determined to put it completely out of my mind.

But the little bastard was not to be gotten rid of so easily.

All day, no matter what I’ve been doing, thoughts of that unidentified piece of crap have been running through my head. I know I’m not the only person to ever have something like that come out of their mouth because I’ve actually asked people and it seems to have happened to almost everyone. Everyone seems to agree that they’re annoying but no one, and I mean no one, has any idea what the name of the damn things are, or what they’re made of.

Not even my doctor friends.

So, now that I’m unable to sleep because I’ve been too busy doing internet searches for ‘white thingie you cough up’ I figured I might as well ask my loyal readers if anyone else out there has ever had the misfortune of discovering one of these little bastards clinging to the back of their tongue. If so, what the hell was it and what do you think it was made of? Oh, and by the way, I’ve taken the liberty of naming them just so I can stop coming up with clever ways of saying ‘hard, white thingie I coughed up from my throat’. From this day forward these tiny minions of evil shall be known throughout the world as Throat Scabs.

Copyrighted and Trade Marked by The Mighty Geek. Patent Pending.

Just like Pinger©™®.
Continue reading →

Just Another Day

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   5

I’m tired.

Really, really tired. All I want to do is have a couple of days to sit and relax without the constant pressure of work bearing down on my shoulders. I need a break. A short yet continuous span of time during which I can actually relax and do as little as possible.

You know, like sleep.

The snowstorm helped a little yesterday; however I still had to work, even if it was from home. No sleep time, no relaxation time, not even time for a quick game of Halo. Sigh. Sometimes being a Geek is hard. No, really. It’s tougher than you think; see we Geeks are the universes whipping boys (and girls). Anytime we think we’re actually getting ahead in the world we are rudely, and often painfully, reminded how pathetic we really are.

Take yesterday afternoon for example.

I was hungry, so I went into the kitchen and decided to actually make my own lunch. Reaching deep into the depths of my soul, I reawakened my inner Neanderthal and went into ‘Hunter/Gatherer’ mode. Scrounging around the kitchen I came across all the ingredients I needed to create a luncheon meal worthy of the near-mythical Iron Chefs. Using the nearly forgotten cooking skills I learned during a long-ago 12 Step Easy-Bake-Oven class, I began to cook.

And when I was done I realized that I had created perfection.

Wanting to share my new creation with my beautiful fiancée I cried out for her to come to the kitchen and gaze upon what I had wrought. Standing proudly next to my meal as she entered the room I proclaimed at the top of my lungs, “BEHOLD! I have created The Mighty Lunch!” Giving me a look that sent a dagger of shame into my heart she replied;

“Wow. You put hot water in a Cup-O-Noodle container. You must be very proud.”

…
Uh…
…
Well, yeah. I was.

Dammit.

Travel Sick

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   1

I’m leaving tomorrow. Again.

This time I’m headed out to Phoenix, AZ and I’ll be there until next Friday. And I’m still sick from my last trip to Shanghai so I can only imagine what I’ll be like when I get home next week. Oh well, hopefully I’ll sleep more often than I did on the last few trips, but one never knows what the Gods of Employment have in store, now does one? With my luck, I bet my employers beat me as if I were an ancient Egyptian slave they had just recaptured after a failed attempt at freedom.

[whipping sounds]
“Infidel!”
“Hey, I just wanted a coffee break!”
“In Athens?”
“It’s the closest Starbucks!”
“Liar! Starbucks is everywhere. What do you think we’re building here, another pyramid?”
[more whipping sounds]

After I get back next week, I’ve got a wonderful two frickin days to relax before going right back to work. First in the Big City and then in San Diego, CA where I will once again be paid large sums of money to take the casual abuse of my employers as if I were a dime store hooker in need of my next Crack fix.

Ah, the blessed life of a freelancer. Ain’t it grand?

While I’m in Cali, perhaps I’ll be able to meet some Californian’s. I guess I won’t know unless I try so, if you live near San Diego and want to meet the most brain dead individual on the planet, send me an email.

If you’re really lucky, maybe I’ll even answer.

I’ll try to keep up the posts while I’m away, but I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you. The last time I tried to write for my personal enjoyment while on my employers’ time they cut of my left hand and made me eat it. Raw. At least they were nice enough to let me have my choice of toppings. Man, I just can’t get enough of that soy sauce, purple ketchup and Fluffer-Nutter combo. Mmm-mmm, good!

And remember, it goes great with mutilated human hand or refried kitten. Yum!

I Need Candy

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   2

I figured it out.

I have done the impossible and discovered the perfect way for people to lose weight. No fad diets, no strange foods and absolutely no exercise required. You won’t be bending over for a choco-latte enema or strapping on some battery operated abs-shocker contraption either. And unlike my last weight loss idea, this time there will be no Do-It-Yourself Liposuksational Hoover Weight Remover Kit to send away for.

And for the record, I still think that was a pretty good idea.

My idea stems from the observation that people are stupid. I believe that doctors, pharmacists and physical fitness trainers are going about weight loss in the wrong way. The stupid way. We don’t need to do more exercise to lose weight; we need to eat healthy things. But instead of treating the problem everyone is treating the symptoms.

This is where my idea comes in.

I think that what the world needs to lose weight is a new pill that will completely screw up the normal human perception of taste. Something that will make sugar taste like boogers and chocolate like kangaroo droppings. We need a drug that will make all those cardboard/Styrofoam rice cakes taste more like pizza. Anything with tofu or cauliflower will become as irresistible to people as a three flavor ice cream banana boat sundae. Want a snack? Try some of this raw spinach! Thanks to my new drug that spinach will taste just like steak! Water will taste like coffee! Orange juice will be the new beer! Asparagus, tomatoes, rocks, dirt! They’ll all taste frickin awesome!

Strangely, guacamole will still taste like crap, but no one will care.

I think it’s high time someone brought this important insight into weight loss to the public and luckily I’m just the guy to do it. And I’ll have you know that we here at Geek Labs are working day and night to concoct this new miracle drug because we hope to patent it and then sell it to a large pharmaceutical company for billions.

What can I say? I’m frickin greedy.

Saying What Can’t Be Said

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   1

I don’t have anything to say.

No, that’s not right. It’s not as if I don’t have anything to say tonight, not really. It’s just that even though I have a whole lot I want to say about my recent trips around the world, due to my personal rule to never openly discuss work on this site, I just can’t. Yeah, I know it’s crazy, but I like to keep my promises.

Even the stupid ones I make with myself.

So, ermmm… just what the hell can I say about my trip? Well, I was worked like a medieval peasant in the fabled Salt Mines of Pret-Zel until I nearly collapsed from exhaustion. I got to meet Solonor and his lovely wife on the one night I was allowed to roam the earth unshackled. Uh, I got to see big, cold, dark ballrooms in foreign cities. They looked much the same as our domestic-type ballrooms actually, so they weren’t all that impressive. Seen one fancy hotel ballroom and you’ve seen them all, I say. Well, I also say that space llamas from the planet Zyz’z-vortkl IV are roaming the earth in human guises stealing teeth in their grand master scheme to take over the universe, but does anyone listen?

Noooooo!

No one ever listens to me. Just because my Wizardly Robes of office happen to look a lot like a ratty, old flannel bathrobe and my membership card to the Order of the All Knowing Beholders of Mystical Mayhem and General Works of Wonderment is cleverly disguised as a Subway ‘Buy Six, Get One Free’ card people just don’t take me seriously. I mean, it’s not like I voted for the stupid robe colors or anything. And honestly, back in 1488 we thought they looked really cool.

Even the Stonemasons envied our keen sense of style.

Ahem. So, I can’t really tell you all about the work I did but I can talk about the one thing I got to do while I wandered in strange cities throughout the world. What would that be, you wonder? Well, wonder no more because I will tell you right now what I did with the few meager hours of free time I had instead of sleeping.

I went shopping!

Oh, yeah. I shopped like a damn fiend! I was a fricking shop-demon. The Mack Daddy of Blue Light Specials. Not only did I shop, I haggled! The prices I managed to get were so low, they were practically giving them all away! I bought myself a hand made silk suit and two matching silk shirts for under $450 American. I bought a name-label coat for less than 1/5th it’s US value. I bought remote controlled cars, dresses for HoBiscuit, hand carved stone dragons and hand made fans, jewelry & glass bottles. But the greatest treasure I brought back on my trip?

Mao pocket watches.

That’s right. Can you believe it? Mao pocket watches. It has got to be the coolest Geek toy I currently own. Not only is Mao on the watch, but he’s frickin waving in time to the ticking of the seconds going by! I’ll try to get a picture up tomorrow, but let me tell you, this is one cool watch. Now, whenever someone asks me what time it is, I’ll whip out the watch and ask, “What does Mao say?”

Sometimes I’m such a Geek I even scare myself.

No Rest For The Geeky

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Traveling •   7

I am tired.

Sick and tired. No, really. I’m sick and very, very tired. I just got back from Shanghai, after going to Barcelona and then Orlando, and all I want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep until the chorus line of 2 ton llamas behind my eyeballs decide to stop tap-dancing. Unfortunately for poor little old me, I don’t have time to rest since I have to go directly to another job today where I will most likely be shackled to my chair for long hours at a time and forced to create horrible, simplistic, menial graphic art for large sums of money.

Tragic, really.

So, as I sit here attempting to force my body to heal like some charlatan faith healer in Bumblefrick, Alabama, I thought I might as well update my web site in the off chance that someone out there was still reading it. Not that I actually think anyone ever did, it’s just that a guy needs goals, you know? Like being a fireman, or a world renowned athlete or a superhero.

Or in my case, an emotionally stunted, raving lunatic with a website. Whatever.

Anywaste, while I was away working last month I was getting calls for work all this month. And, as I am ever in need of more money, I was foolish enough to accept each and every bit of work thrown my way. In fact, my entire month of February, with the possible exception of the 15th and 16th, is booked solid.

This is a good thing.

Good because it means I might once again have money in the bank and will hopefully still have that money when my wedding rolls around and I find myself staring at the HUGE pile of bills that will be attacking me as soon as I say, “I do.” They’ll be there, hiding behind the altar or under the maid of honors’ dress, I just know it. Stalking me. Hunting me. Ready to pounce on me like a… like a… like a tiger. Like a tiger pouncing on a small and feeble forest fawn. A wounded fawn. With a broken leg. And no sense of smell. And… uh, blind. Yeah, blind. And deaf. Oh, and uh… asleep. On the ground. Uh… sleeping.

Yeah. Like that.

So, I’m going to go to bed now. I’ll be telling you all about my wild adventures in foreign lands throughout the week, but for right now all I want to do is rest. I’ve taken an Aleve Cold & Sinus tablet so I should be falling into a blissfully symptom-free sleep any second now. Yep, any second now I’ll be in dreamland.

…

Yep, just you watch. I’m going to be Slumberlands newest denizen faster than you can say, “Get well soon.”

…

Hmmm, this is taking a little longer than anticipated. But don’t you worry, I’m going to get a good night sleep if it’s the last thing I do.

…

[humming to self]

…

Dammit. I know I took the stupid pill. What does this box say? What?! NON-DROWSY!

Son of a… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

GeekMan, Shanghaied!

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   5

Twelve hours.

That’s all the time I have to see the lovely HoBiscuit before I fly out to Shanghai on the next, and last, leg of this work-trip. I’m busy packing right now, but I wanted to take a moment out of my busy schedule to ask a few questions and make some observations.

Observation #1 – Solonor and his wife are very nice people, even if they are from Florida.
Observation #2 – If you have a small child and are traveling on a plane and your little demon steals a strangers’ book right out of his hands, said stranger will only be appeased by the immediate disembowelment of your spawn on a sacrificial alter located under the center seat of the emergency exit row. The offer of a warm container of applesauce and a distracted, “Sorry. He’s just excited.” simply will not do.
Observation #3 – No matter how hungry you are, never eat half-cooked beans and rubbery squid on a bed of yellowish rice at 3am when in Barcelona. Don’t ask. Trust me.

Question #1 – Does three hours of sleep in a 72 hour period sound like enough to you?
Question #2 – If your internet service provider has the gall to name itself Worldnet, don’t you think they should have access numbers throughout the world? You know, like outside of the United States? Spain or Shanghai, maybe?
Question #3 – Why aren’t I in bed?

Goodnight everyone. See you when I get back on the 29th!

Airbus To Hell

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   9

“Sir, you’ll have to take off your shoes, too.”

The fantastically quick-witted and intelligent airport security guard took his hand from the center of my chest and looked me in the eyes to make sure I had not only heard his words, but also understood their meaning. I say he was smart only because his sloped forehead, jutting lower jaw, sparse body hair and ability to walk upright gave him away as an early Cro-Magnum and not a late period Neanderthal like his security brethren.

Also, he could speak.

As I was already standing there putting my coat, wallet, keys, cell phone, spare change, Clie, two computer notebooks, carry-on bag and belt onto the x-ray conveyer belt, I simply sighed and proceeded to remove my shoes. After placing them next to my other things on the Trundle of Total Uselessness, I stepped through the Awning of Metallic Detection and then began the tedious process of gathering up my possessions.

“Sir. I’ll have to ask you to move a little faster, there are other people behind you in line.”

I’m not quick to anger, but I could feel my blood beginning to rise. I mean, there I was, standing in a crowded airport holding my pants up with one hand and trying to put on my shoes with the other and this slow-witted rent-a-cop was trying to hurry me along? All my meager possessions were laid bare for the world to see and this mental midget was telling me I couldn’t take the two minutes I needed to essentially get dressed in front of perfect strangers and repack my precious gadgets?

Why, I was of a mind to chastise him.

However, as I was already running late I simple nodded my head and quickly herded my stuff to a convenient corner of the airport by kicking my shoes, wallet and very expensive, highly fragile electronic equipment across the dirty floor while holding up my pants with one hand and dragging my open bag behind me with the other like it was a reluctant dog.

Somewhere, Bread was laughing.

After getting dressed and repacking I hurriedly made my way to the terminal so I could make my flight down to Auschwitz, whoops! I meant, Orlando. Home of such Mecca’s of cultural significance as Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum, Mary – Queen Of The Universe, Epcot and, of course, Disney (Heil!). I made it to the plane, found my seat and got ready to read my book for the next three hours.

Unfortunately, the 3 billion brats on board had other ideas.

The sweet young girl sitting directly behind me first alerted me to my danger. Her incessant kicking of my chair was my first clue that I would not enjoy this flight. Another child, sitting a few rows in front of me, began to cry loudly as soon as we pulled away from the gate. His sister, who was herself happily screaming something that sounded a lot like,

“I’m going to see Mickey! I’ll swallow your soul! And Donald, too! I am evil. I’m the spawn of Satan! Pluto is my favorite!”

I believe her head then spun around while she vomited pea soup.

Some kids in the back began singing some vile Disney songs and then the person sitting next to me decided that the armrest wasn’t big enough for two people and he used his opposite hand to push my elbow off! That was all I thought I could take so I lowered my book and took a deep breath to tell this idiot off when I noticed something odd.

There was a child in the isle staring at me.

He was probably 6 or 7, wearing those silly baby jeans with the elastic waistband and a shirt with some cartoon character emblazoned across it like a badge of honor. He smiled up at me, because even sitting I was taller than he, and I couldn’t help but grin back. He looked so innocent, so sweet. So damn cute. He was just what I needed to calm myself down before I killed someone on the flight. I smiled at him with gratitude and said, “Hello young man. And what’s your name?”

And then the little bastard grabbed my book and ran screaming down the isle.

I frickin HATE kids.

We Interrupt This Silence For An Unimportant Update

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   2

Hola!

I’m back in the States after a very tiring seven days in Barcelona. In fact, at one point I managed to get only 3 hours of sleep in a 72 hour period. I was so tired I actually began giggling uncontrollably at the thought of llamas in pajamas breakdancing to old Hall & Oats tunes.

Don’t ask.

So, since I was so busy working, I only got to sightsee for 6 hours on Tuesday afternoon. I went to see Gaudi’s famous unfinished cathedral Sagrada Familia. The place was breathtakingly beautiful and I wish I could put up some pictures right now, but my poor camera died on me as I was wandering around inside the cathedral. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to climb to the top of the towers and take a picture of myself peeing off the side, but at the time it sounded like a really great idea. I guess the cathedral didn’t agree and used its mystical powers to cause my camera to break just as I was about to snap a picture of my personal, little, yellow rainbow.

Hey, I am the spawn of Satan, after all.

After I was given the requisite beating by the security guards and forcibly removed from the premises, I dusted myself off and headed back to the hotel to pack and eat dinner. It was then that I realized that most of my pictures were blurry beyond repair because of a malfunctioning zoom/focus mechanism within my camera. This morning I called Sony and was informed that it would cost me more than the cost of a new camera to get this one fixed.

Can anyone say, ‘GeekMan’s getting a new camera!’?

I’ll try to post some of these pictures later today, before I leave, but if I don’t get around to it don’t be angry with me. I’m very busy trying to do laundry, organize bills, make phone calls to clients and pack to spare time for editing photos right now.

Hey, something’s got to give, and photos of Barcelona might be the very thing that does.

Well, I’m off to Orlando, Florida today where I expect to be mentally and emotionally drawn and quartered by my workload. However, if you happen to live near Orlando and wish to Greet the Meat, er… Meet the Geek, then you should email me ASAP. I’m hoping to meet some fellow Bloggers while I’m there on Friday night and I’ll check my email tonight and tomorrow afternoon for anyone else who’s interested in meeting the man behind the Geek.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled silence…