Time Keeps On Slipping Into The Future

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

Allergies still suck.

Only a few more hours left for you to submit your entry into the big contest. I’ve got a whole lot of great sentences already, but don’t let that scare you off. I can always find a way to add in another paragraph or three if I come across a really good sentence.

Amazingly, not one person has mentioned llamas yet. [hint, hint]

If you’ve sent in a sentence and either don’t have or forgot to include your website, then I’ve decided to not include your entry in the story. I’m sorry, but even though there were a whole lot of really great sentences sent in by people without websites, I had to par the list down somehow, and since this is supposed to be showing people a little linky-love… Awwww, come on. Don’t look at me like that. I still love you. Really, I do. Oh, give it up! Stop pouting already.

Honestly, it makes you look like a goldfish. And a sick one, at that.

Lost At Sea

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Wedding •   2

The following conversation took place at 4am a few weeks ago. The entire conversation lasted less than one minute.

HoBiscuit: “Wake up, GeekMan!”

GeekMan: “What?! What?! Is the house on fire? Quick, grab the left front speaker of the VEHTS and I’ll grab the right!”

[holding back tears]
HoBiscuit: “How could you just leave me there? You let me drown! And you ran off with… with… her!”

GeekMan: “I what?”

HoBiscuit: “You know what you did!”

GeekMan: “I know I was sleeping…”

HoBiscuit: “How could you sleep after letting me die? You don’t really love me!”

GeekMan: “But honey, you’re not dead.”

HoBiscuit: “Don’t patronize me! You sound just like the captain.”

GeekMan: “Captain?”

HoBiscuit: “Of the ship! The one who performed the ceremony.”

GeekMan: “What ceremony?”

HoBiscuit: “It doesn’t matter now, I’m dead and you’re with the waitress with the big, fake boobies!”

[rubbing temples]
GeekMan: “Wait, I don’t understand. What happened?”

HoBiscuit: “You’re so stupid. I hope you’re happy.”
[HoBiscuit falls back to her pillow and is immediately asleep]

GeekMan: “Honey? Sweetie? What the hell was that all about?”

[HoBiscuit rolls over, snuggles up close and gives GeekMan a kiss on the cheek]
HoBiscuit: “I love you, too. Goodnight.”

GeekMan: “Holy crap, I’m marrying a psycho.”

GeekMan spends the next hour praying to every deity he’s ever heard of that HoBiscuit will not remember anything about her dream when she wakes up. He also mentally calculates how far away he could get if he should pawn the engagement ring and make a run for it. Sighing in resignation to his fate, he concludes that however far he gets, it will never be far enough. That night GeekMan dreams of being chased around a cruise ship by big, fake boobies with long, sharp, pointy teeth.

And HoBiscuit just laughs at him as she makes out with Captain Stubing.

Nice Tattoo

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   1

Friend of Geek:
“Hey guy’s, I’m thinking about getting a tattoo. Any ideas on what it should be?”

GeekMan:
“Sure! How about Sanskrit for Are You Legal?”

Scattered Thoughts

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   8

Allergies suck. Just thought you should know.

For those of you who’ve been waiting patiently for me to get back to discussing my research into a new laptop for myself, let me bring you up to date. When I went to the airport this weekend on my way to another job in another state, I came across a display/kiosk by none other than Intel wherein there were a dozen or so actual laptops from various manufacturers equipped with the new Centrino chipset.

Talk about your great timing.

Like a kid in a candy store I began to quickly fondle and stroke myself the computers since I knew I would probably never find a Dell 600m next to a Gateway 450x again in my life. It was amazing that each and every computer I had on my list was in evidence at this demo and FREE for me to play with.

My nipples are getting hard just thinking about it again.

So, to make this long and sexually charged story a little shorter, I have narrowed my list down to the following computers;

If you have any suggestions or comments on these computers, especially if you’ve actually handled them yourself, then please, please, PLEASE leave a comment or write me an email. If your favorite laptop manufacturer isn’t on this list then it probably means I’ve decided against buying it for some reason fathomable only to myself. Maybe that manufacturer doesn’t have a laptop with the Centrino chipset, maybe that computer was too heavy for frequent travel, maybe that manufacturer or that specific computer doesn’t have powerful enough graphics for my purposes.

Or, maybe having that laptop in my home would be bad Feng Shui.

Anywaste, there’s the computer laptop update, so now you’re all caught up on that part of my Geeky life. Isn’t that nice? I’m sure you’re all doing the happy dance in your chair to celebrate. Moving on to the big contest I mentioned on Friday, I’ve already received quite a few entries but I’m looking for even more. If you haven’t sent in your entry yet, what the heck are you waiting for? Remember to include your URL with your entry so I can send you all the linky-love you deserve.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, allergies can toss my frickin salad.

Show Me The Funny

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   2

Here’s your chance to get some Geeky Linky-Love.

I’m going to try a little experiment and you’re going to help. I want you to write a wacky, silly, strange or otherwise nonsensical sentence and then email it to me. I’ll use the top ten or twenty sentences I receive in a story, depending of course on the amount of entries I receive. I’ll post the story here next Friday and I’ll even link your sentence back to your website so everyone will know just how clever, witty and funny you really are.

Before you fire up your favorite word processor, here’s some simple ground rules.

The sentence you send should be in English and be no more than twenty words long, although those words can be of any length. The sentence can be about anything at all, but please no curse words. Any entries containing curse words will not be used and yes, that means you too, mom. You may send as many entries as you wish, but each entry must be in a separate email. Only one entry per website will be used in the final story. GeekMan reserves the right to not use your entry no matter how clever you might think it is. Even if it does involve llamas. Once submitted, all entries become the property of The Mighty Geek. All entries must be received by 11pm EST, Wednesday April 30, 2003.

Email your entries to: geekman at the mighty geek d0t c0m

That’s it. There’s no prize money or gifts being offered here, just the chance to see your words used in a weird and (hopefully) funny way. Well, that and perhaps the gift of a few meager click-throughs from the readership here at The Might Geek. Now dream up a few zany words and string them together so I can write something funny for you next week.

And don’t forget to spell check!

And That’s An Order, Mister

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   5

GeekMan enters a Wendi MacKing fast food restaurant.

Terminally Perky Cashier: “Hello and welcome to Wendi MacKing’s! May I take your order?”
Confident GeekMan: “Sure. This order is to go. I’d like a medium number three value meal, and for my drink I’ll have an iced tea, please.”
Concentrating Perky Cashier: “Would you like fries with that order?”
Surprised GeekMan: “I thought a value meal came with fries?”
Clueless Perky Cashier: “They do.”
Confused GeekMan: “Uh, I ordered a value meal… so…”
Chastising Perky Cashier: “Sir, you ordered a hamburger and a coke. If you wanted a value meal you should have ordered a value meal.”

GeekMan and stranger standing behind him on line share an amused, yet questioning look.

Forgiving GeekMan: “OK. How about we just change that order to what I thought I had asked for before?”
Frustrated Perky Cashier: “Fine.”
Saintly GeekMan: “I’d like a medium number three value meal, and for my drink I’ll have an iced tea. Please.”
Special Ed. Perky Cashier: “Would you like a Coke with your value meal?”
Flabbergasted GeekMan: “I thought I asked for an iced tea?”
Angry Perky Cashier: “Don’t yell at me, sir.”
Amazed GeekMan: “I didn’t yell.”
Bitchy Perky Cashier: “Sir, if you don’t calm down and give me your order, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
Martyr GeekMan: “OK. Fine. I’m not yelling. I would just like to have my number three value meal and my iced tea to go so I can get back to work. Please.”
Asking For It Perky Cashier: “And is this order to stay or to go?”
Giving It GeekMan: “You know, I think I just figured out the problem here. I think that you can’t understand what I’m saying because the flow of blood to your head has been cut off by your far-too-tightly-tied training bra in your futile effort to make those mosquito bites you call breasts more enticing to the acne-infested loser you call the ‘manager’ of this fine establishment and whom you’ve been giving hand jobs to in the managers office in the hopes of getting a raise, right? Right?”

Stranger behind GeekMan laughs out loud and moves to another line.

Wide-Eyed & Shocked Perky Cashier: “…”
Pissed-Off GeekMan: “Where’s my order?”
Frightened Perky Cashier: “Here’syourmediumnumberthreevaluemealsir. Andyouricedteatogosir. Thankyouandhaveaniceday!”
Smug & Happy GeekMan: “Damn right.”

GeekMan leaves Wendi MacKings to thunderous applause.

How Hackers Learn To Write

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   12

Hukt on Foniks iz thuh best!

Thanks too thuh gud peepuhl at Hukt on Foniks, I hav lernd to ryt reel well. After only three weeks, I haf improovd my ryting skilz so muhch that I no longer need to yooz Mycrowsoft Wordz spel cheker! I am so prowd uff myself fowr lerning how to ryt that I haf desided to tehl thuh world abowt it ryt heer on my vehrri own web syte. And, for thuh first tym evah, I’m not going to yooz thuh spel cheker befoor I pohst!

Ha! I bet yoo did naht even notiss thuh diffurrenss!

I wood lyk to giff uh big showt owt to awl thuh peepuhl who haff mayd this day posseebuhl for me. Brehd, for giffing me thuh kik in my ass that I needed to fynuhllee admit my prahblem and ehnroll in thuh Hukt on Foniks prohgrahm. Miz Ex-Bahks, for teeching me that in lyf there iz no reset buhttuhn. And, of coors, the luhvlee and beyootihfull HoBizkit. She wuhz my inspuhrayshun threwowt this hohl ordeal. She wuz my lyt, my guyding stahr and my rok. Withowt her by my syd I wood nehver haff mayd it throo thuh prohgrahm too becuhm thuh wonderfuhl ryter that I am tooday.

HoBizkit, I luhv yoo.

So, I hohp my cuhming forward will serff az an exahmpuhl too all uff yoo who may haff thuh saym prahblem I did. Doo naht bee skayrd too stahnd uhp and admit that yoo haff a prahblem. It iz nehver too layt too lern thuh ryt way too ryt. Yoo ahr nehver too ohld too lern how to spel! And won day, three weeks after yoo stahrt thuh prohgrahm, yoo too will bee prowd too say;

“Hukt on Foniks wurkt for ME!“

Sticky Situation

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   4

I’m in sticky note hell.

Sticky note on TV:
“Taping movies for my sister. Do NOT use TV.”

Sticky note on bed:
“Bed is made perfectly for family visit. Do NOT sleep.”

Sticky note on fridge:
“Saving food for family visit. Do NOT eat.”

Sticky note on bathroom:
“Bathroom has been cleaned for family visit. Do NOT dirty.”

Sticky note on laundry basket:
“Do laundry, or big trouble.”

So I can’t watch TV, eat, sleep, or use the bathroom in my own house. Well, thank the lord I can still do the frickin laundry! Oh, but my life wouldn’t be worth living if I couldn’t do the laundry and thus please my significant other! How else can your loyal servant please you, Your Highness? Shall I rub your feet, My Queen? Maybe I should just bend over and grab my ankles? Would you prefer KY, Crisco or no lubrication at all as you shove your royal foot up my…

Hey, what’s this? Hmmm, I guess I missed this note on the computer…

Sticky note on computer:
“Remember, I read your stupid Blog. Do NOT Blog this or you’re in BIG TROUBLE.”

Dammit.

My New Morning Ritual

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   6
  1. Wake up, scratch buttocks and fart.
  2. Go to the bathroom to shower.
  3. Look at face in the mirror, rub stubble and conclude that you will never, ever look like Harrison Ford.
  4. Cry softly.
  5. Lift left leg and fart again, just because.
  6. Shower.
  7. Sing an old Judy Garland tune while washing hair.
  8. Question your masculinity.
  9. Exit shower.
  10. Check out profile in mirror.
  11. Sob loudly at your pathetically flabby figure.
  12. Laugh as your love handles jiggle to the rhythm of your sobs.
  13. Cry again.
  14. Apply shaving cream to face.
  15. Make the obligatory ‘Rabid Dog’ face at reflection.
  16. Grrrrr. Mad dog! Mad dog! Grrrrr!
  17. Pick up razor blade and begin shaving.
  18. Fall to floor, screaming in pain and grasping your severely bleeding face.
  19. While lying in the slowly spreading puddle of your own blood, come to the realization that someone has been using your razor to shave their legs and underarms while you were away.
  20. Sob to yourself as you finally understand the full implications of living with a member of the opposite sex.
  21. Allow the darkness that is sweet unconsciousness come to take you away from all the pain.
  22. Fart.

It’s That Time Again

• by GeekMan • In Poetry, Quickie, Traveling •   3

I am very tired.

I’m headed to the airport in a few hours to catch a plane down to Boca Raton, FL where I’ll be subjected to all sorts of client whims and fancies as I do my little freelancer song and dance for another paycheck. Since I don’t know if I’ll have the time to update while I’m away, I thought it would be nice for me to leave you a warning about the probable lack of content until Thursday of next week.

And, uh… I’ve done that now so…

…

Ahem. Soooo…

…

Hey, why the hell are you still reading this? What? You’re waiting for me to get to the funny? What funny? I have no funny. There’s no funny to read here. Move along now. Go on! Run along home! Go ahead. Beat it kid, ya bother me. Scram! Get lost. Shoo.

…

Dammit. You’re still here.

Well, if you’re that starved for entertainment, let me try scaring you away with some of my Horrible Self-Serving Haiku (Patent Pending).

Notebook conundrum
A decision must be made
I await your thoughts

I’ll be back Thursday
Don’t forget to leave a tip
Thank you and goodnight