Act 2, Scene 3 – The Interrogation
Fade in.
Agent Bread:
“As you can see, we’ve had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Mann. It seems that you’ve been living two lives. In one life, you’re Geek T. Mann, graphic designer for a pathetically small home business, you have a social security number, you pay your taxes, and you help your fiancé do her laundry. Taking extra-special care with her tiny, thong underwear that you enjoy trying on before washing.”
GeekMan:
“What?! How did you..? Uh… I mean, I never do that! Never!”
Agent Bread:
“Mr. Mann, you’re wearing a pair right now. Are you not?”
GeekMan:
“…”
Agent Bread:
“…”
GeekMan:
“Bastard.”
Agent Bread:
“Indeed. As I was saying Mr. Mann, you’ve been living two lives. That was one. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the idiotic alias ‘GeekMan’ and are guilty of writing the worst, most unfunny drivel ever to be vomited upon the poor, unsuspecting denizens of the internet. You do this while at the same time breaking virtually every rule for good writing that we have a rule for.”
GeekMan:
“That’s not true! I haven’t broken every rule!”
Agent Bread [raising eyebrow]:
“Indeed, Mr. Mann?”
GeekMan:
“In-frickin-deed, you Gestapo bastard. I, uh, can spel good so’s my word usages be’eth corekt and spelt rite, I don’t, uh, use, erm, excessive… uh, commas, or, uh… sound effects as, ahhh, words, neither do I ever have changed tenses mid sentence or used much more than all the necessary words to have a sentence completed without the use of excessive or redundant words within the sentence since I also haven’t ever created run-on sentences for the sake of cramming as much info into the one sentence as inhumanly possible or ever used excessive exclamation points!!!”
Agent Bread:
“Riiiiiight.”
GeekMan:
“Damn straight.”
Agent Bread:
“As I was saying Mr. Mann, one of those lives has a future, and one of them does not. I’m going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. GeekMan. You’re here because we need your help. We know that you’ve been slacking in your regular updates lately. Now whatever you think you may need, time off, a break, a vacation, is irrelevant. Your feelings in this matter are irrelevant. Your sanity is irrelevant.”
GeekMan:
“Well, if I’m so frickin irrelevant, then what is relevant?”
Agent Bread:
“Updates.”
GeekMan:
“Updates?”
Agent Bread:
“Yes, Updates. My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you but I believe that you wish to do the right thing. We’re willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start and all that we’re asking in return is your cooperation in this small matter.”
GeekMan:
“Yeah. Wow, that sound like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one. How about I give you the finger… and you give me my life back.”
Agent Bread:
“Mr. Mann. You disappoint me.”
GeekMan:
“Watch me cry. You can’t scare me with this Gestapo crap. You’re not real. This web site isn’t real. None of this is real. I had a life once and I want it back.”
Agent Bread [ugly smile]:
“Tell me, Mr. Mann. What good is having a life if we won’t let you live it?”
GeekMan:
“You wouldn’t!”
Agents advance on GeekMan.
Agent Bread:
“You’re going to write for us, Mr. Mann, whether you want to or not.”
GeekMan:
“No. No! NNNNOOOOOooooo!”
Cut to GeekMan’s apartment. He is rudely awakened by the buzzing of his alarm clock. Shaking his head in disbelief, he heads to the bathroom to wash up. He looks at his reflection in the mirror and does the world’s worst Neo impersonation.
GeekMan:
“Woah. I know Code-Fu.”
Bread:
“Show me.”
Massive bullet-time, slapping, screeching, sissy fight ending with GeekMan’s bloody and beaten remains lying, face down, in the bathtub.
Bread:
“Now quit slacking off and start updating your frickin site again, ya loser!”
GeekMan:
“Yessir. Right away sir.”
Bread:
“Good. You’re beginning to believe.”
Bread leaves.
GeekMan [crying softly to himself]:
“‘There is no spoon’ my frickin ass.”
Fade to black.