Well, I’m back. There will be no apologies made for my lack of posting while I was away because I had no internet connection while on board the ship. Even worse, after my last post from Puerto Rico the cruise only stopped at one more island (St. Thomas). That’s right, I didn’t get to see St. Maarten or Bermuda due to another hurricane (Dean). So all in all, I didn’t get to go where I wanted to go and I didn’t get to go where I didn’t want to go either.

Sometimes life can be really cruel.

We were stuck on the ship so long that my girlfriend actually got a shuffleboard-related injury. She insists that her left buttock is in considerable pain due to too much shuffleboard. Don’t let the innocent almost slow-motion-like movements fool you. Shuffleboard is a full contact sport only to be played by professionals or the very elderly.

She is soooooo out of shape. And I am sooooo dead.

I’ll be posting a full story complete with pictures about my Cruise From Hell later today or tomorrow. Some highlights will be finding out our itinerary had changed, things to do while stuck on board a ship, pictures of fabulous water ripples and don’t miss the mutiny on board by unhappy passengers. Yes, there was an actual ”mutiny” of about 500 passengers who were even more upset than I was about the horrible cruise. By the last day they were talking about calling their lawyers and some were even talking about calling the media.

As if the media doesn’t have anything better to do with their time than listen to a bunch of overwieght, buffet-loving old ladies and trailer-trash bitch and moan because they didn’t enjoy their cruise. I can understand being upset about the situation, but some of these people needed to relax and get a life that doesn’t include Jerry Springer or Cheeto’s. Getting riled up while still on board is only going to make a bad situation worse.

Until I post the full story later, let me sum up my experience on board the ship by saying that if it wasn’t for the wonderful people my girlfriend and I sat with at our dinner table, the entire cruise would have been a complete waste of time and money. Don’t get me wrong, every other cruise I’ve been on has been wonderful to the extreme. This one just seemed to be bad from the moment we set foot on board.

You know, I should have known it would be bad when we got on board and I saw rats with little suitcases and worried expressions getting off.

Now that that’s over with, let me tell you about the lovely head cold I’ve developed. I’m leaking fluids from every orifice, my ears are stuffed with cotton and my bones ache so badly I think I’d start crying if I so much as farted. Right now I’m going to take some drugs, go lie down on my Comfy-Couch of Super-Sleep and think mean and spiteful things about everyone in the cruise line business.

Who knows, I might even feel well enough later to post something funny.

Tomorrow I am leaving on a well-deserved vacation. I’ll soon be lying in the sun on Lido Deck, sipping the Cruise Special Drink whilst vestigial virgins massage my tired feet. Yes, dear reader, The Geek is going on a cruise. Pay no heed to the fact that it’s the height of hurricane season and that I might wind up like Leo. Nevermind that the Weather Channel thinks a tropical storm is headed directly towards my travel route. Forget that I could wind up as the main course in Feast of the Giant Sharks. This is my first vacation in four years and I’m not going to let a few minor annoyances like weather or death deter me from enjoying myself. I’m going to soak in hot water till my muscles ooze off my body and form puddles of super-relaxed goo at my feet. I’m gonna bet the deed to my llama on a single roll of the dice at Mr. Evil Casino’s Crap Game of Shame and Destitution. And I’m going to eat my own body weight in lard at the midnight buffet.

I might die, but I’ll die happy dammit.

I’ve begun packing the essentials (One bottle Insta-Tan Lotion. Check. One muscle T-shirt to show off ‘bod’. Check. One pair Danger Flip-Flops. Check) and tidying up my apartment in preparation for my exodus to the Vacationland of Fun and Relaxation. For me, leaving on a vacation is very different from leaving on a business trip. Packing wise, on a business trip I know exactly what I’ll need. Warm, long-sleeve shirts and dress pants. Even if I’m going to be in Brazil during July, I’ll still need warm clothes because all I’ll ever see is the inside of a dark and FREEZING COLD ballroom. That’s right, no sun for our favorite Geek when he’s working. Hell, I’m lucky if I get to eat twice a day with some of these people. But when I’m packing for a vacation, which I haven’t done in years, I find myself looking over a huge pile of clothes and muttering things like,

“You know, I don’t think I’ll need four suits for a 7 day cruise. Maybe I’ll just take three.”

“Do black socks go with sandals?”

“I wonder if I’ll actually wear shorts this time? Maybe I should pack an extra pair of pants, just in case.”

“Will my girlfriend find my tighty-whities sexy, or should I pack my thongs too?”

“Waitaminute! How will I check my email?!?”

At least I know I’ll be able to get the internet while I’m on board. I’m bringing Gunm (my favorite laptop) with me and I’ll have a satellite connection from my stateroom. Of course, that means I’ll be posting from the ship, which I think will be really cool. How many people out there can say they’ve posted an entry from 150 miles out at sea? And if the storm gets me, how many could say they’ve posted from the stomach of a shark?

Now it’s time to get back to packing. I have to be at the airport at 4:45am tomorrow because I’m out of my frigging mind. Why would any sane person choose to leave at that ungodly hour unless it was some kind of life or death emergency? No one, that’s who.

I must really need this vacation.

Samurai Jack is a very cool show. I’m so impressed by the artistic skill needed to create every aspect of the show that I want to create a shrine to Genndy Tartakovsky, where I’ll burn Crayola Candles and sacrifice bootleg copies of PhotoShop in the hopes of gaining his favor. Everything from the character design to the sound effects to the voice acting is phenomenal. Hell, even the backgrounds are more impressive than almost any other cartoon I’ve seen lately. In it’s own way, Samurai Jack impresses me more than Final Fantasy or Shrek did when I saw them in the theater.

Since it impressed me so much I decided to create a desktop wallpaper design that would commemorate my induction into the Samurai Jack Loser Fan Club of the Greater North Eastern Section of The Land Mass Known as ‘Merica. The wallpaper can be found here. If you’ll look to the right of your screen there’s a good chance you’ll see a brand new link in the ‘Mighty Media’ column called coincidentally enough, Wallpaper. It is my plan to add new wallpaper to my site every month, but when you’re busy like I am it’s hard to make the time for these fun little side projects. And just in case you’re wondering, whether I’m busy or not, I can always find a good reason not to do something. It doesn’t even matter if it’s something I want to do, I’ll still find some way to not do it.

It’s a skill I’ve been developing since I was but a wee child and I’ve gotten good at it. Very Good.

Right now, I’m attempting to perfect my abilities as a loser by watching Automan on SciFi. If you don’t remember this little gem of early eighties crap television then you are very, very fortunate. It sucked then and it sucks now. In fact, it sucks even more now because I’m older and know the difference between your average sucky TV show like Dawson’s Creek and a complete suckfest like Automan. If anyone should ever ask you to name the most sucky TV show ever made the first thing to come to your mind should be Automan.

My god, it sucks.

On a lighter note, I had a great Saturday of shopping at an outlet mall with my girlfriend and then going to my friend Sleepy’s rooftop party. Here’s a little tip for all the city drivers out there, when going shopping in another state do your best to leave the mall early. Doing so will help you avoid traffic that can make even the calmest of Geeks cranky and lead to saying bad things to your girlfriend that will cause a marked decrease in your Sweet Lovin’ quotient.

Note to Self :: When girlfriend asks whether an article of clothing makes her look fat, do not reply with “I don’t think it’s the clothes, honey.”

The party that night was great. A whole bunch of people showed up and we all danced the night away on Sleepy’s roof that just happens to have a terrific, beautiful and completely unobstructed view of the city. My girlfriend would leave me in a flash if she could get that view. I know, she told me. All friggen night. Hell, it’s all good cause I’d sell her for a chance of having that view.

She knows, I told her.

Here’s a little tip from the Geek to you. Remember that when at a party, babies and dogs should be kept far away from the party dip. I never knew this but babies seem to be notorious for putting their slimy, dirty, filthy little hands into anything that even looks like it might be soft and mushy, and dogs just follow the little brats around eating everything they drop. At one point in the party, I looked down and saw the dog standing on top of one of the little snack tables eating a slice of pizza someone had left there. The kid was spooning tiny handfuls of dip onto the pizza as encouragement for the mutt. If I had my camera at that point I would have taken a picture, but I was too busy shaking my groove thing on the dance floor.

Oh yeah, baby. Travolta, eat your heart out.

When I was young (before the wheel, but after fire) my brother and I had some of the coolest toys on the planet. I’m talking about Micronauts here. As in “The interchangeable world of”. We used to sit and play for hours with these things, shooting each other with the little, tiny, choking hazard missiles. Trust me, they were choking hazards. Ask my brother about the Star Wars Falcon in the Cave Reenactment Fiasco of 78′ and watch his eyes go very round and white. Of course, this was before the warnings were put on the boxes so no one thought twice about handing toys with small plastic pieces that could be shot with great force at the press of a button to kids.

Anyway, it was my birthday a while ago and my bro finally gave me my presents last night. Yeah, he’s a little slow sometimes. Anywaste, somehow, somewhere he found the ORIGINAL figures for Giant Acroyear and the Micronaut Battle Cruiser in the ORIGINAL boxes! The figures even had the original stickers, still un-applied, in the box. I’m a collector of silly and stupid things so to say I was happy is a slight understatement. I almost stopped the Magic: The Gathering game I was playing to put them together and play with them. Then I thought better of it and carefully put them back in their boxes and have since stored them in a cool, dry place out of direct sunlight. What can I say? I’m a Geek.

But for today at least, my brother is very cool.