The Missing Link

Mmmm, tastes just like chicken.

Not only did this idiot cut off his one-eyed wonder worm with his own hand, but he even managed to ignore the immense pain of self mutilation long enough to fry it up and eat it!

Now what’s he gonna do when he needs to pee? Swallow a sponge?

At this point most people would leave this story alone and move on, but not me. That’s because I’ve got a question running through my head that’s driving me crazy. You see, I’m wondering if this schmuck sat down at the table and used a knife and fork to eat his tallywacker, or if he ate it out of the frying pan over the sink like a real man?

You know, in his wife-beater and tighty whities reddies.

And what spices does one use in preparing a sexual organ for consumption? I’m sure there’s salt, pepper and garlic in there, but what about paprika and thyme? Also, what does one serve with schlong? Peas and carrots? Chickpea melody? Homefries? What?

Dammit, this is going to keep me up at night. I can tell.

I Know You’re Smiling Now

Do you have an anger management problem?

Do you find yourself getting into verbal, or even physical, fights with other people who disagree with your obviously intellectually superior and far more morally correct opinions? Does the mere mention of ‘comment troll’ cause your middle finger to twitch into an upright & fully extended position? Do your friends actually enjoy bringing up politics or religion when you’re around just so they can place bets on when that pulsating vein on your left temple will actually burst?

Do you hate your friends?

Well lucky for you, we at The Mighty Geek Laboratories have discovered the world’s greatest method of meditation and relaxation. It’s called The Mighty Geek Gregorian Chant of Relaxation and Meditation. It is guaranteed to help you calm down in any situation where you might find yourself becoming murderously angry at those who have the audacity to disagree with you. There are no seminars to attend, no products to buy and certainly no money you need to part with. All you need is a clear place to sit and 10 minutes to follow our instructions.

Ready? Good.

The first thing you’ll need to do is sit down. Anywhere will do, but preferably a clear spot on the floor where you can cross your legs in the classic ‘meditation’ position. Now, once you are sitting down, you should place your hands on your knees and begin breathing slowly, taking 7 seconds to breathe in and another 7 seconds to breathe out.

Are you breathing? Good.

Now, on your next exhalation, you should say the first part of our Gregorian chant, which you will find below. It should be said in a monotone voice and for the entire 7 seconds it takes for you to exhale. Remember to take an additional 7 seconds to inhale after every repetition of the word.

The first word is Owah.

Go ahead, say the word right now; this will help you memorize it for later. After you’ve said this word five times, taking the full 7 seconds to say the word each time, it’s time to move on to the next word.

Tahjer

You should also say this word five times, remembering to take a full 7 seconds to say it each time. When you’ve finished, you can then move on to the next and final word of our Gregorian chant.

Kiam

Again, you should say this word five times while breathing properly. By this time you should be feeling more relaxed than when we began and you’ll be ready to move on to the next and final stage of our meditation.

It’s time to chant.

We will now begin using all the words together in a single Gregorian chant of relaxation and meditation. You should say each word as a single 7 second breath, taking 7 seconds to inhale after each word. 7 in and 7 out.

Remember, 7 is the magic number.

After repeating the chant for a while, I’m sure that you will begin to see the light and not only will you have calmed down, but you might even find yourself laughing. If you find that the chant isn’t working for you, try repeating it a little faster. Trust us, The Mighty Geek Gregorian Chant of Relaxation and Meditation has yet to fail.

Owah tahjer kiam.

Safety Alert

Men, listen up.

Jumping rope can be a great way to exercise as it gives you a total body aerobics workout without the need for cluttering up your home with large, overpriced, celebrity-endorsed equipment. You’ll certainly work up a sweat if you jump rope for as little as 15 minutes a day and doing it gives your legs (calves & thighs), abdomen, chest, shoulders, back & arms a wonderful workout.

Feel the burn, baby.

However, when jumping rope all men should keep in mind that safety comes first. And no matter how convenient it might seem at the time, you should always remember to wear the proper clothing when doing your workout. Remember men, jumping rope in the nude is never a good idea. Especially when you’ve just woken up and Mr. Winky is still ‘excited’ to start a brand new day.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need some Neosporin, a flesh colored band-aid and a bucket of ice.

She’s So Crabby

“Chewie,” said her boyfriend Kung-Fu. “Haven’t you had enough yet?”

distortion, his girlfriend, HoBiscuit, and I perked up our ears to listen in on the conversation between our friends as we all sat on the docks. It was midnight on Saturday and we’re all there trying to catch some fish, even though we knew there was a better chance of peace spontaneously breaking out in the Middle East than there was of us catching anything other than the West Nile virus. And believe me, there were maybe a bazillion mosquitoes out there and they all wanted a piece of the GeekMan to take home to the kids.

I honestly believe I ‘donated’ a pint of blood to those little bastards.

Anyway, while we were all used to fishing using poles and hooks and worms and stuff, Kung-Fu had decided to try a different sort of ‘fishing’. When we were getting ready to leave for the docks, he had insisted that in addition to the other fishing stuff, we also bring along a big ball of twine and a package of very cheap, frozen chicken legs. “Gonna catch me a crab.” was all he would say when asked what the twine and chicken were for. Sometimes he would even wink and add, “Crabs just love chicken. That’s what ‘they’ say and I believe them.”

‘They’ being the international knowledge society of all things crab related, of course.

When we arrived at the docks, Kung-Fu took out one of the now thawed chicken legs, securely tied some twine around it and then dumped it over the side of the docks. When asked how this would capture a wily and devious crab, he would only say, “Crabs are stupid. They love chicken and when I start pulling them up, they’ll just hold on and keep right on eating. You’ll see, they’ll hold on all the way to the top and before they know it they’ll be covered in butter and breadcrumbs. Just you wait and see.”

Three hours later, we were still waiting to see.

However, in the interim it was Chewie, and not Kung-Fu, who had become obsessed with capturing one of the little bottom dwelling devils. While Kung-Fu had been content to simply dump his leg over the side and haul it up once every 30 minutes, Chewie had been ‘casting’ hers and retrieving it consistently every five minutes, to the second, since we arrived. And unlike her boyfriends’ completely whole and noticeably uneaten chicken leg, Chewie’s leg was being attacked as if it were the last potato latke at an all-you-can-eat Ethiopian Bar Mitzvah.

And the look of tortured anger on Chewie’s face was beginning to frighten us.

“No Kung-Fu, I have NOT had enough! The little bastard is down there eating my leg and I’m not leaving until I catch him and torture him like he’s been torturing me! I’m going to pull off his little antennae, break his claws, rip out his legs one by one and then poke his eyestalks with a burning match! He will rue the day he messed with Chewie. Oh yes, he will rue the day!”

Like I said, frightening.

Two hours later, at two in the morning, everyone had had enough of fishing for the night. Even Chewie was willing to concede defeat and, with a somber salute to her victorious but unseen enemy, she cut her mangled piece of chicken free of the twine and let it drop into the water below.

“Eat up, you little Frick. I hope you choke on a bone and none of your little crabby friends knows the Heimlich.”

Seeing how distraught she was over the fact that a creature with the brain the size of a grain of sand had been able to outwit a woman who was only a year away from earning her law degree, Kung-Fu put his arm around Chewie and gave her a big hug.

“Don’t be sad Chewie. My chicken leg is still in the water over there, so why don’t you pull it up while we pack up the rest of this stuff? Who knows, you might actually catch him and then you won’t be so pissed off.”

He wisely did not add, “And when you’re pissed, I don’t get lucky.”

Accepting Kung-Fu’s pity-chicken with grace, Chewie began to stealthily pull up the last remaining chicken leg from the watery depths below. And while we were all packing our stuff up and lamenting the fact that we had all failed to catch even a single fish, Chewie was slowly but surely reeling in what was to be the one and only story of success for the entire 4 hours we spent on that dock.

That’s right. Chewie finally got crabs.

I guess they really were right after all. Don’t worry, we didn’t eat him.  We threw him back.

ID4

Beaches, barbeques and boats.

It’s a holiday weekend so I’m going on holiday. I’ll be back Monday. Try not to get into too much trouble while I’m away but if you do happen to get into trouble, don’t call me.

You see, I’ll be on holiday. So I won’t really care, now will I?

A Day Late And A Dollar Short

Whoops!

I forgot to post this on Monday. For those of you who can’t guess which Saturday morning cartoon classic song I’m parodying, here’s the original. It’s a WAV file which can be played directly in internet explorer or, if you want to download it, right click (control+click) and select ‘Save Target As’.

Enjoy!

Sodomy, sodomy,
Gay men shout “Anal Privacy!”
Sins ahead? That’s all lies
Supreme Court says, “Fudge packin’ time!”
Look out! Here comes the sodomy!

Is it wrong? Listen you
Try it once you’ll go anal, too
Can his thing fill his spread?
Take a look on the bed
Hey There! There goes the sodomy!

From the far, far Right it was seen as a crime
But the Court had sight, victory just in time!

Sodomy, sodomy
Anal intercourse, sodomy
Gay or straight, saint or whore
Love’s the same, that’s for sure
To them,
Life is a Great Gang-Bang-up
Wherever there’s a hang-up,
You’ll find The Sodomy!

What It’s Like

Dear Readership,

In an effort to show the world what it would be like without The Mighty Geek and the sophomoric humor published here on an almost daily basis, I am going to substitute all things humorous in this post with the words ‘Pop-A-Wheelie’. I’m doing this because all of the services I provide, for free, to the world at large mean nothing if I’m not being shown any appreciation for Popping-A-Wheelie. And doing that is far more dangerous than Popping-A-Wheelie

But not quite so bad as Popping-A-Wheelie

So I’m shutting down the humor now, to give me time to Pop-A-Wheelie, and to give all of you a taste of what it would be like if I wasn’t here every day to show you how to properly Pop-A-Wheelie. You can’t imagine what it’s like to have so many people laughing at you without ever letting you know that they think you’re funnier than Popping- Wheelies.

It’s inhuman, especially considering I don’t get paid to Pop-Wheelies.

Give it a thought. This is what it would be like without the humor of The Mighty Geek. The lack of support for my continued self abuse, even by those who consider themselves my friends, has got me thinking that maybe some people will believe that this is a ‘real’ post and not a joke and then they will send me email begging me to ‘return’ or else the terrorists have Popped-A-Wheelie.

And that would be stupid.

So, what’s it worth to you for me to keep this going? Not in monetary terms, but in terms of showing me support? Simply put, I’m not willing to go on without more Popped-Wheelies.

Best wishes,
GeekMan

P.S. Pop-Wheelies!

P.P.S. Pop-A-Wheelie.

In no particular order, the words replaced by Pop-A-Wheelie are:

  • Wearing a meat suit and diving headfirst into a colony of driver ants.
  • Get my butt kicked by Bread in The Matrix on Miss Ex-Boxx.
  • Shaving my nostrils with a rusty straight razor and snorting salt.
  • Eat raw crack. You know, just because.
  • Now I’m more pathetic than Wil Wheaton, aren’t I?
  • Watching a cage full of starving lions try to catch and eat acrophobic monkeys covered in Tabasco sauce.
  • Pictures of nekkid boobies. Dear lord, let me receive pictures of nekkid boobies.
  • Grandma before she’s taken her medication but after she’s had a fifth of vodka.
  • Raped the llamas and ridden off on the women in victory.
  • If I get boobies, you get links!
  • Remove your own spine and replace it with HoBiscuit branded Silly Putty.

No Good Can Come Of This

My grandpa will be the death of me.

GeekMan:
“HoBiscuit, have a piece of my cake. It’s really good.”

HoBiscuit:
“No thanks. I think I’ve had enough for tonight. I’m trying to slim down for the wedding, you know.”

Grandpa:
“You know, I have noticed that your ass is getting big.”

[HoBiscuit punches Geekman. HARD.]

In other news. Happy birthday to me.

Ain’t What I Used To Be

Here’s a poser.

At what age, exactly, does the human body become unable to get up from a seated position without making some sort of grunting noise? You know what I’m talking about. The “Uuunghfff!” sound that escapes unwillingly from your lips as you ponderously extract your tectonically expanding butt from the seat cushion you’ve spent the last 3 hours turning into an ass-shaped Jello mold while you were watching Trading Spaces and eating cheesy-poofs.

I mean, I can’t be that old, can I?