9-11-01
Ping Ponging For Yen
Or, ‘Those Wacky Japanese Gameshows’.
I don’t post links here very often, but today I make an exception. This must be some kind of Japanese game show, but I can’t really understand what’s going on aside from the fact that everyone seems to be enjoying themselves immensely. Can anyone out there translate this and explain it to me? I’m just dying to know what these clips are for. My favorite, and the one I keep watching over and over again, is the one with the two guys playing ping pong.
I’m in awe of the ‘Super High Jump’.
Anywaste, since I’m so busy right now with Wedding Stuff and actual work-type stuff, I’m sorry to say that these short and quick posts will continue for the foreseeable future. I can’t see me returning to my ‘normal’ schedule until October, but if you bear with me and stick around I promise that I’ll be funny again then. No, really I will. Don’t give me that look, and don’t try the old, ‘You were funny?’ line either. I was funny once. Once.
Oh, stop rolling your eyes like that, they’ll just fall out.
Puppet Porno
~ “The Internet is for porn!” ~
So sings Trekkie Monster in what has to be the absolute BEST musical on or off Broadway that I have ever seen. Avenue Q is so fricking funny that I almost busted a gut laughing, especially when two of the puppets had sex while ‘Gary Coleman’ sang a song about how you can never be too loud when making love.
Holy crap, it was funny.
If you are ever in NY and are in the least, littlest bit curious about what puppets might look like when they have sex, both oral AND anal, you really must see Avenue Q.
Consider it your purpose in life.
And now, back to Wedding Stuff.
Groomzilla : Part I
I’ve become a monster.
At what point does an otherwise normal man, with the typical dismissive male attitude towards his own wedding, suddenly become so infatuated with a stupid and trivial wedding decision, the invitation font choice and color for example, that he is willing to throttle his own mother rather than back down from his font of choice? Holy crap, we haven’t even started haggling over the invite list yet!
I just hope my mother doesn’t kick me in the nuts again.
Warning Signals
There ought to be a Law.
Women should have to go through life with a rattle. And I don’t mean some sort of baby rattle that they shake when they want something brought to them by the studly Cabana Boy at their weekend country club, either. I’m talking about a scary rattle, not unlike that of a cornered rattlesnake. A rattle so frightening that the instant you hear it you’ll break out in a sweat so cold that you’re almost thankful for the spreading warmth of your suddenly soiled undergarments.
Now isn’t that a delightful image?
Women should be made to shake this rattle every time they say something that sounds reasonable and calm, but is actually dangerous and insane. Shall I give you an example?
GeekMan: “Hey Honey, I’m going out to see the guys tonight for dinner. I’ll be back around 11pm, k?”
HoBiscuit [angry]: “What? But we were supposed to be spending tonight together! I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks!”
GeekMan: “Oh Honey, I forgot! I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I forgot about that, but the guys have tickets to (something) and you know how much I like (something)… Would you like me to call the guys and tell them I can’t go? I could do that, or I could make it up to you tomorrow.”
HoBiscuit [angrier]: “You forgot?! About me?!”
GeekMan: “No HoBiscuit, I didn’t forget about you. I only forgot that we were going to stay in tonight because the guys told me about (something) and I got all excited to see (something). I’ll call them and cancel, it’s not a problem and they’ll understand. If you let me go though, I promise to make it up to you tomorrow, ok?”
HoBiscuit [suddenly very calm and understanding]: “Fine. You go out with the guys and I’ll stay home tonight.”
GeekMan [wary]: “Are you sure, because I could always tell the guys I can’t make it. I know what tonight meant to you and I have no problem ditching the guys. You’re MUCH more important to me than they are.”
HoBiscuit [nonchalant]: “No. You go out and have a good time. I’ll be just fine. Really.”
[rattle]
See? SEE?! That rattle sound would have saved my fricking life!
Design Of A Decade
I’m going fricking nuts.
This week is all about the Mighty Wedding Invitations, so I have almost no time whatsoever for anything HoBiscuit considers unnecessary or off-topic. You know, things like eating, sleeping or breathing all take a backseat to the construction of the perfect wedding invitation, especially when we (read: I) need to finish them before the end of the month. In fact, the only way I’ve been able to get on the web at all has been by secretly tapping into my previously latent psychic abilities and warping the time/space continuum in such a way as to halt time long enough to properly wordsmith this missive without letting HoBiscuit find out what I was doing.
So if anyone tells HoBiscuit that I Blogged today, I’m a dead man.
BTW, anyone know any good love poems and/or travel poems that are wedding invitation worthy? I’ve come up with a great design for the invitations but I need a love poem about marriage and a love poem about travel for it, and I can’t seem to find any good ones anywhere on the web.
Excuse me while I use this spoon to pop my left eyeball out of my skull and then squash it in my own fist.
Also, if you are a hairy man in need of sleep, do not attempt to light your farts to impress your mate and/or friends. Explaining the four alarm fire engulfing your entire neighborhood to the fire marshal is neither a fun, nor an enjoyable, experience, no matter how loud the laughter is from your so-called ‘friends’. It is especially un-fun when you are completely covered in third degree burns and every hair on your body has melted into the top layer of your skin making you look like a giant talking mound of flesh-colored wax.
And technically, you were working with flammable materials in a confined area so when the fire marshal gives you a ticket, don’t act so surprised.
Don’t ask. Just trust me on this one, k?
All Things Old Are New Again
I’m back.
There are still a few problems that I haven’t worked out yet, the most glaring of which is that this site now looks like crap on a Mac, but on the whole I’m pretty happy with my new design. Why don’t you take a quick look around and tell me about all the bugs I’m sure you’ll find in my horrendous code.
Hey, I’m a designer. Not a hacker.
Anywaste, since my hacking skills are so pathetically stunted that fourth graders regularily mock me as I walk the streets in my blue silk bathrobe while reading “HTML For Schmucks” and mumbling to myself, I’d like to take this opportunity to beg for some help. If anyone out there is willing to help me out, I’d really appreciate it.
My problems are twofold.
The first, and most important problem, is that I can’t seem to get this page to render correctly on the Mac. I don’t know why because as far as I can tell it looks fine to everyone on a PC. The way it’s supposed to look is like this;
The problem is that the top blue bar seems to be missing when viewed on a Mac and the little corner icons of my side bar aren’t in their proper place. They’re coming in one line below making everything ugly.
The second problem is not so big. If you’re using IE 5.5 or above, then the scroll bar should be a light grey like the background of my content boxes. But on the main page it isn’t, even though if you look at my “About” page it is grey. And before you ask, yes the code is EXACTLY the same on the About page and my home page.
So, to sum up; “Won’t someone help a brother out?”
*** Update: Another problem is that one can no longer highlight text properly. Damn, I suck at coding. ***
Winds Of Change
For there’s a change in the weather, there’s a change in the sea,
So from now on there’ll be a change in me
My walk will be different, my talk and my name,
Nothing about me is going to be the same
I’m going to change my way of living if that ain’t enough,
Then I’ll change the way I strut my stuff
Cause nobody wants you when you’re old and gray
There’ll be some changes made today,
There’ll be some changes made
For there’s a change in the fashions, ask the feminine folks,
Even Jack Benny has been changing jokes,
I must make some changes from old to the new,
I must do some things the same as others do
I’m going to change my long tall Mama for a little short fat,
Going to change the number where I live at
I must have some loving or I’ll fade away
There’ll be some changes made today
Oh, there’ll be some changes made
Continue reading
Blackout Blogging
This couldn’t be happening.
[click]
My Aeron chair let out a slight squeak in the darkness as I sat in front of my dark computer screen in my dark house on my dark street in the dark city. Moisture from my sweat covered body dripped down my hunched back and gathered in the crack of my anus as I feverishly pressed the power button of my computer for the millionth time in the hopes that some miracle would occur. That someway, somehow my computer would magically turn on without electricity.
[click]
Dammit.
After seven hours of this impulsive/compulsive behavior, I reluctantly concluded that without electricity even my computer could not function. As I lifted myself out of my chair (making the ssshhhhlllip noise of sweaty skin being peeled away from vynil) I noticed that HoBiscuit had managed to find her way home.
“Hey Sweetie. I think we blew a fuse or something.”
“You’re an idiot. The power’s out in the whole city and I had to walk home!”
“Wow. Midtown to Brooklyn? Isn’t that, like, far?”
“It took me three hours, you insensitive jerk! I walked forever! In flip-flops!”
“Oh. Well, you did say you wanted to get some exercise, right? So let’s go get some traditional NY Blackout dinner and look at the stars.”
“But my feet hurt! And what’s traditional NY Blackout food?”
“Pizza, of course.”
This morning we still had no power, so we decided to go out and walk in the park. Meeting up with another friend of ours, we spent a delightful day sitting in the shade of Prospect Park and watching all the other powerless people frolicking on the grass. We then went out for dinner (pizza again) and then walked our way back home.
[click]
Hazzah! Our power had returned!
So, after a beautiful day in the park with my beautiful woman in my arms, what do you think I’m doing with my newfound power?
[click]
That’s right. I’m watching preseason football on tv with all the lights on in my frigidly air-conditioned house as my popcorn cooks in the microwave.
Screw nature. Give me my climate control and cable or I’ll kill you.
Continue reading
No Time
Time to write, I have not.
Much busy am I. Writing time-suckage allowed not. Back when allowed to write I am. Meanwhile, questions for you I have. The following in comments answer please.
- Were you affected by the MSBlast worm/virus in the past few days? If so, how were you affected? I only ask because it completely passed me by, but I hear it caused some major grief for others.
- When you shower, do you shampoo or soap up first? Why?
- Why is it that the posts I think are my best bits garner the fewest comments while my quick and dirty posts get the most? Does anyone out there actually read my longer posts?
- If you gave up a seat on the bus or train for someone would you be pissed off if they didn’t even thank you for it?
- Why the hell are people treating this post of mine as if it were actually some sort of medical message board? It has more comments on it than anything else I’ve ever written, but I made the whole thing up! It was a joke people! A joke!
All that is. Go I must. Later see you will I.