Look At Me, I’m Gift Giving

• by GeekMan • In Poetry •   4

Look at me, I’m gift giving
Lousy with my brown nosing
Won’t go to bed till the Geek links the Ren,
I bought him Fountainhead!
Sent it, hey, from far away
From Australia, crickey mate!
Don’t get all cross ’cause this Aussie’s the boss
So get out of my way

I don’t think you dare, to even touch my hair
I feel ill for poor HoBiscuit
Keep your shonky paws off my Sheila drawers
Or she’ll kick your crack, wanna bet?

As for you pathetic fool
I know what you wanna do
You’ve got no crust Bread’s my object of lust
He’s just so buttery!

GeekMan, GeekMan! Let me be!
Keep your drivel far from me
Just link me fool, ’cause you’re stupid, it’s true
Hey, fungu, I’m Spree Girlie
Continue reading →

Yawn

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   2

I’m tired.

I think I’m going to go back to bed and try to restart the dream I was just having. It was a good one, too. It involved Salma Hayek, Lucy Lui, Beyoncé, Jessica Alba and me. If I remember correctly, we were at some kind of private party and the ladies had been drinking a little and decided that what they really needed as a nightcap was a GeekMan sundae.

Who was I to argue?

So into the hot tub I went, followed by 20 gallons of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry ice cream and about 10 pounds of whipped cream. All of this was fine and dandy, but I knew things weren’t going to end well when Lucy announced that she was allergic to nuts and Jessica told her that it just wasn’t a GeekMan sundae without the nuts. With Beyoncé backing Jessica and Salma egging Lucy on, a catfight was inevitable.

Who was I to stop it?

Just as Jessica ripped Lucy’s shirt open to reveal her black, lacy bra and Lucy retaliated by tearing Jessica’s skirt from her luscious body, I was rudely awakened by the sound of a ringing telephone. And now, all I want to do is go back into this dream to see how it ends because call me curious, but I really want to know who could kick who’s ass; Lucy Lui or Jessica Alba. More importantly, since I’m the damn prize, I want to know how I’m going to ‘reward’ the winner and/or console the ‘loser’.

Who am I to choose?
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Stupid Telemarketer, Tricks Are For Kids

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   6

[ringing telephone – the clock says 8:43am]

GeekMan:
[groggily]
“Hello?”

Telemarketer:
“HELLO Mr. GeekMan! My name is Jackhole and I’m calling to offer you an EXCITING opportunity to have The New York Times DELIVERED TO YOUR HOME for the low, low price of only $3.99 for the first 8 weeks!!! And that INCLUDES the Sunday edition! Doesn’t that sound WONDERFUL, Mr. GeekMan?!”

GeekMan:
[thinking fast]
“Wait a moment… Jackhole, right?”

Jackhole:
“Yes sir, that’s my name! Jackhole!!!”

GeekMan:
“Well Jackhole, first off let me say I’m glad you called because the other day I was reading the paper and thought how nice it would be to have it delivered instead of having to go out and buy it every other day.”

Jackhole:
[audibly salivating]
“Well sir, that’s just GREAT!!!!!! Will you be paying with a credit card today, OR would you like us to bill you later?!”

GeekMan:
[smiling to himself]
“Woah… Slow down there, Jackhole. Not so fast. I want to hear about the other options first. You know; like if I only want the Sunday paper and not the other days’ papers delivered, or something like that. But more importantly, I’d like to know what it’s going to cost me if I continue to get the paper delivered past the 8 week introductory period.”

Jackhole:
[shooting his wad at the thought of such an easy sale]
“WELL Mr. GeekMan, I’d be HAPPY to tell you all about our delivery options!! Firstly, you can have the ENTIRE WEEK’S PAPERS delivered…”

GeekMan:
[barely able to hold back his laughter]
“Wait a second there, Jackhole! I can’t remember all this so I’m going to need to write it down. Can you hold on for a second while I go get a pen and paper?”

Jackhole:
[having a second orgasm at the thought of today’s commission check]
“Absolutely, sir!!!”

GeekMan:
“You hold on then, I found some paper here but I still need a pen. I’m going to get a pen and I’ll be right back, ok?”

Jackhole:
[probably wiping himself off with a tissue]
“OK sir! You GO GET THAT PEN and I’ll be here when you get back!!!!!”

GeekMan:
“Ok Jackhole. Don’t you hang up now, I’ll be right back. I promise.”

[GeekMan puts the phone on mute and goes back to sleep]

They’re Baaaaack!

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   11

I just couldn’t resist.

I was standing in the checkout line at Rite Aid when a blast from the past caught my eye and demanded that I purchase it, take it home, scan it in and then post it on the web so that all might see and understand my joy.

   It's Brittney Spears as Brittney SPEWS! Get it?! Get it?! This is fricking GOLD HUMOR people! Fricking GOLD!

Damn, but I’ve missed these little buggers.
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Name That Tune

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   6

The 80’s strike back.

Write the song title and artist name in the comments before you do the inevitable Google search for the correct answers. Then, after you’ve finished searching for the songs and going “Holy crap! I remember that one!” tell the world how many of these songs you used to love/still love and make excuses as to why you didn’t guess them in the first place. If someone can actually guess all of these songs correctly I might even buy them something from the Geek Shop. I just have no idea how someone could possibly prove that they didn’t cheat.

Oh well, here’s the lyrics. Have fun!

  1. I just freeze everytime you see through me
  2. Baby, baby, when I lay wit’ you there’s no place I’d rather be
  3. Don’t wait so long to offer assistance and don’t give up on your existence
  4. I can see your face still shining through the window on the other side
  5. Your sweet nature darling was too hard to swallow
  6. Ever since you’ve been far away I’ve been wanting to fly
  7. Because the way you move was so self-assured you knew I would surrender
  8. Flaccid ego in your hand
  9. What’s your reputation? Ecstasy!
  10. I feed you, I drink you, my day and my night
  11. Will you turn me away or touch me deep inside
  12. It’s like trying to touch the sky but overlook the sun
  13. Empty dreams can only disappoint in a room behind your smile
  14. So you say I got a funny face I got no worries
  15. I see a ship in the harbor I can and shall obey
  16. There’s a room where the light won’t find you
  17. We bite and scratch and scream all night
  18. End up lying on my face going ringy dingy ding dong
  19. They say hey little boy you can’t go where the others go
  20. Mental wounds not healing, life’s a bitter shame
  21. While the stinky food’s steamin’, your mind starts to dreamin’
  22. What good is a love affair when you can’t see eye to eye
  23. You know she likes the lights at nights on the neon Broadway signs
  24. There’s nothin’ left to talk about unless it’s horizontally
  25. And I can make you every promise that has ever been made
  26. I bought a ticket to the world, but now I’ve come back again
  27. I socialize with X-ray eyes, and ladies think it’s sweet
  28. We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears that we cry until dawn
  29. The night I needed you the most my cries fell on deaf ears
  30. I look at your pants and I need I need a kiss

Correct answers will be posted when I return on Wednesday.

Note To Self #9264

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   7

Dear Self,

The next time you feel the urge to forcibly squeeze out that reluctant fart you feel hiding in your anal passageway, make damn sure it’s actually a fart before you ecstatically, and perhaps a tad over-enthusiastically, begin tensing your sphincter muscles.

Remember, you cannot ‘CTRL+Z’ in real life.

Supplemental reminder; Always carry a small package of tissues with you at all times. That and clean underwear will ensure that there will never be a repeat of “The Horrifying Elevator Fiasco Of ‘03” ever again.

Head, meet oven. Oven, this is my head.

Gift Giver Extraordinaire

• by GeekMan • In Wedding •   4

Some people are so fricking gullible nice!

This installment of The Mighty Geek’s WNPWBSFOPTDKG Award goes to a kind and generous student who, instead of buying instant Ramen noodles so he would have something to eat this week, decided to buy HoBiscuit and me this book off of our wedding registry. This is such a stupid sweet thing to do for a strange stranger like myself, that I thought I’d make fun of him today and hopefully send some linky-love his way.

You know what they say, no such thing as bad press, right?

Firstly, the gift-givers name is Jeremy and he’s a sucker kind and generous soul with the face of an angel and the body of Adonis. So all you sexy ladies should be emailing him your boobie shots right now so as to get a jump on all the models and movie stars who are sure to flood his in-basket the moment they realize he’s the answer to their wildest fantasies. And, according to the women’s bathroom stall in the campus library, he’s “hung like a racehorse!” Three separate women seem to have written that they agree, with only one dissenting voice who scribbled, “More like My Little Pony! But still, I wish he returned my calls.”

He also likes sunsets and long walks on the beach.

According to the personal ad cleverly disguised as an email that Jeremy sent me, he’s a young student of graphic design living somewhere in Canada. Now before I continue, let me take a moment to offer this piece of sage advice to the hopeful young designer;

Switch Majors! What the frick are you thinking?! Graphic designers are fricking insane! Don’t you know this yet? Look at my site, you idiot! I talk to pastry and video game consoles! I’m certifiable! Be smart and become an accountant, or a coal miner. Something, anything, but a graphic designer. Trust me; you’re much better off as a one legged high school janitor than as a graphic designer.

You all know he’ll thank me for that later.

Anywaste, not that I care, but Jeremy also claims to have spent three years studying under Master Sven Vergenstud earning a PhD in Orgasm Inducing Sensual Swedish Massages for Women. His specialty is something involving scented oils and a small egg-shaped object that vibrates, but he won’t say anything more claiming that to tell me would guarantee that I met with a horribly drawn out and torturous death involving glass rods, sea salt and my anal cavity.

Shudder.

So to sum up, do the lad a favor and shower him with kisses for his stupidity thoughtful and selfless act of charity. He has not one, but two web sites not because he’s a big show off, but because he’s just all that and a side of curly fries to boot. So check him out at GeekStrike and Czernobog’s Journal and let him know that GeekMan sent you. And ladies, I’m not kidding about that horse thing. It’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple.

I swear.

Scary Lop-Stars

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories •   6

The following is a real telephone conversation with my mother.

“GeekMan, I was reading your blob yesterday…”
“Mom, it’s a Blog, not a blob. Please try to get it right, ok?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Well, considering that one is a soft, amorphous mass akin to vanilla pudding and the other is a well designed, intelligent, witty and humorous collection of essays by your son, I would hope that it would matter to you.”
“You really think you’re funny, don’t you?”
“I don’t have to think it mom, I know it.”

[crickets]

“Whatever. Anyway, I was reading your BLOG yesterday and I don’t remember the whole hot chocolate incident you wrote about. I do however remember the Lobster Incident™ and I’m really surprised you didn’t write about it, too.”
“Lobster Incident?”
“You remember, don’t you?
“Uh, no. should I?”
“Yes! You were six and your father brought home four huge lobsters and they escaped when I opened the fridge. I spent about an hour chasing them around the house with the broom because I was scared they were going to claw me to death and you kept screaming ‘The Scary Lop-Stars are gonna eat me!’ while hiding in the hallway closet!”
“OMG. Scary Lop-Stars? Really?”
“Oh my, yes. It was so bad that I had to call in our neighbor to help me catch them. You wouldn’t come out of the closet until I swore that all the Scary Lop-Stars were gone. And when we finally put them in the pot to cook them they screamed and screamed and screamed. I know all that screaming upset me, but for some reason I think I remember you sitting on a stool next to the pot rubbing your hands together and smiling. Isn’t that weird?”
“I can’t believe I hid in the closet from Scary Lop-Stars.”
“Well, you were a very… ‘delicate’ child.”
“Girlie-wimp, mom. The proper description is ‘girlie-wimp.”
“At least you didn’t wet yourself again. That’s something, isn’t it?”
“Mom, I have to go put my head in the oven now. I’ll talk to you later, ok?”
“Ok, honey. Give HoBiscuit my love.”
“Sure thing. I’ll put it in the note. Bye.”
“Bye.”

Holy crap, I was the Swedish Chef as a child. Bork, bork, bork!

Return Of Moldy Bastard

• by GeekMan • In Bread, Geek Life, Wedding •   2

It was supposed to be a nice day today.

I was sitting at my home office computer doing some work for a client when I caught a whiff of something foul. At first I thought that perhaps it was the off-white, yellowish-brown clump of fuzz I had just picked from my belly-button, but upon bringing it to my nose for a quick sniff I realized that it was actually odorless. Putting it away for later study into the special box labeled “Curious Things Removed From My Body”, I quickly scanned the room. At first I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, but when I felt something warm and slimy touch my leg I nearly jumped out of my skin in surprise.
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Complete Geek Alert

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   2

Blisters suck.

For the first time since I was eight and spent 12 straight hours playing Space Invaders on my Atari 2600, I’m suffering from a video game related injury. I guess it’s my own fault too, since I’m the idiot who just spent 5 hours trying to learn all of the special moves for Hayabusa in Dead Or Alive 3.

And you know what? After all that time, I still suck.

I don’t know how the hell people can possibly do the “Izuna-Otoshi” attack without having a third thumb, but apparently every human being under the age of 16 can do it six times in a row during a single round of combat while I’m left with my face stuck in the floor. That really pisses me off to no end, especially when they’re doing all of these cool special moves and all I can manage to do is “punch+punch+kick+punch”.

Dammit, I fricking suck at this game.

Oh well, at least I can still watch the sexy girl characters scamper about on the screen in their skimpy outfits. And if you watch closely, once in a while they even show panties! It’s like an indecent, decadent slice of heaven just for me. Joy!

Oh man, Kasumi versus Lei Fang. I think I just wet myself.