The Purple Putz

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, PhotoBloggery •   8

Sometimes words alone aren’t enough to describe a horrible injustice in the world.

Below is a picture of me from before I learned how to defend myself. It’s a picture of a time when I was under the power of a cruel and ruthless dictator known as Mother, who took great pleasure in dressing me in the latest fresh-from-the-bins-at-Woolworths fashions. Notice the perfect color coordination of my spiffy outfit, how it follows the contourlessness of my stick-like body. Don’t overlook the gayness of the wide, sharply pointed collar to accentuate the foppish color scheme of the pants that virtually scream, “Kick me, I’m a loser!”. And did you happen notice that the shirt is four sizes too large while the pants are two sizes two small? No? Well my gonads did, and they weren’t happy.

They weren’t happy at all.
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Fish Story #1

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, Geek Life •   3

The year is 1984.

Fishman:
“Please… Please, let me back inside. I’m cured. I swear. Please? I promise, I won’t tell mom.”

GeekMan:
“I don’t know. You don’t seem cured yet. Our remedy for your ailment might not have worked fully.”

Fishman:
“It worked. I swear, it worked.”

GeekMan:
“I’m still not convinced. What do you think, Mr. Hentai?”

Mr. Hentai:
“Nah, he still looks a little green around the gills. Maybe if we pushed a little farther..?”

GeekMan:
“Sounds like a plan.”

Fishman:
[incoherent screaming]

GeekMan:
“I’m sorry; we couldn’t make out words in that screech of terror. What did you say?”

Fishman:
*sobbing*

Mr. Hentai:
“Oh. Look. He’s crying. That’s not a good sign.”

GeekMan:
“I concur, Mr. Hentai. It’s not a good sign at all. You see Fishman, a good sign would have been if you didn’t cry. That would have meant our methods of curing you had worked and then we could’ve ended the treatment, but since you’re crying I feel that we need to continue…”

Fishman:
“Oh, god no! Please no more! I swear I’ll never bother you guys again! I swear it! I swear!”

Mr. Hentai:
“Fishman, bothering us when we’re playing Dungeons & Dragons isn’t the problem. Painting all our dice black so we can’t read the numbers isn’t the problem. Barging into the room when we’re playing ‘live action’ D&D with the two cute girls from down the block and then threatening to tell your mother what we were doing isn’t even the problem.”

GeekMan:
“That’s right, Fishman. The real problem is your mental block and we, being aspiring psychologists and psychiatrists, are merely trying to help you overcome your fears. Trust us, one day you’ll thank us for doing this.”

Fishman:
“You guys are crazy! Crazy! I’m telling mom about this and she’ll fix you good!”

Mr. Hentai:
“You will?”

Fishman:
“Yes! And she’s going to kill you both so I won’t ever have to thank you for this! You hear me?! I’ll never thank you. Never!”

GeekMan:
“Oh, I think you will. Mr. Hentai, let’s put him back outside for a few more minutes.”

Fishman:
“AAAGH! NOOOoooooo!!! I’m going to kill you both! AAaahhh!”

Mr. Hentai:
“Sigh. He certainly doesn’t sound cured of his fear of heights, does he GeekMan?”

GeekMan:
“He sure doesn’t, Mr. Hentai. It would appear that our remedy of hanging him face down out of a window by his ankles six floors from the ground just isn’t doing the trick. Maybe we should try a higher floor?”

Mr. Hentai:
“How about the roof?”

GeekMan:
“Mr. Hentai, I like your thinking.”

Fishman:
“Oh god, I think I’m going to be sick…”

To this day Fishman is still afraid of heights. And open windows.

One Of Those

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   5

Overheard conversation of the decade.

Father:
“You’re not doing well in math because you don’t apply yourself.”

Son:
“But dad…”

Father:
“Don’t ‘But dad’ me. If you don’t do well in math you’ll never get anywhere in life. Don’t you want to be smart like your dad?”

Son:
“I guess.”

Father:
“Listen to me son, because I know what I’m talking about. There are only three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can’t. Don’t be one of those, OK? OK?!”

Son:
“OK, dad. I promise.”

He promised? Promised what? Huh?! What?! What did he promise?!! What! Did! He! Promise?!?!?!?! ARGH!

*pop*

Ow. Somebody get me an aspirin and a mop please, my head exploded.

Plane Funny

• by GeekMan • In Quickie •   3

Want a neat practical joke for long plane flights?

You know those hard, plastic cups the flight attendants give you for your drinks on the plane? Well, when you’re sitting next to a kid, or even a college-age person, try this bit of fun. Take the empty cup and place it in your armpit without your seatmate seeing you do it. Then, complain loudly that your neck is killing you and ask if it would be alright for you to crack it. Without waiting for an answer, twist your neck as far as you can and, just as you reach the point that it would look painful to your seatmate, crush the cup in your armpit by squeezing your arm to your side and then fall over going completely limp.

Trust me, it will look and sound EXACTLY as if you just broke your own neck.

Air Sickness

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Traveling •   Comments Off on Air Sickness

“Excuse me, sir. Would you mind if I sat next to you?”

Putting my book down on my lap, I looked up at the woman standing in the aisle. She was dressed in a typical business woman’s suit, light grey with a cream colored blouse or shirt under the jacket, and she was looking longingly at the open window seat next to me. I had just been congratulating myself for being lucky enough to get a seat without any neighbors so I could stretch out and relax for the 5 hour flight, but of course the Gods Of Aviation could never let that happen.

Sometimes I truly hated the gods’ sense of humor.
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Jet Pain

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   6

Yes, it is true, I’m leaving you again.

I’m headed to Vegas for work tomorrow and will probably be gone for about a week. And because I am such a self-abusive loser, I will once again expose my fragile ego to the masses and invite everyone who wants to meet me to come on out to Vegas for lunch or dinner. And of course, once again I will have no takers.

Come on people! I may be a Geek, but I’ve still got feelings!

Honestly, I don’t know why I keep trying. I mean, it’s just like back in third grade when nobody wanted me to sit with them during lunch and I had to sit on the floor next to the bathrooms and eat my FlufferNutter and bananas sandwich all alone. Crying at how cruel the world was and making empty vows of revenge on all the cool kids. And all they ever did was point at me and laugh… and laugh… and laugh…

*sob*

Oh man, see what you did? Now I’m crying! That’s it, I hate you all! I’m taking my toys and going home and I’m not going to talk to you for at least a week! So there! Are you happy now, Poopie-faces? Huh?! Are you happy?!

*sniffle*
Somebody get me a tissue.

Dig Your Own Hole

• by GeekMan • In Experiments, Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   6

Let the games begin.

HoBiscuit and GeekMan are sitting in the house, she’s reading and he’s working on the computer while listening to randomly shuffled MP3s when Pat Benatar’s “Love Is A Battlefield” comes on. Halfway through the song HoBiscuit, The Mighty Wife, turns to GeekMan with a mischievous look in her eyes.

HoBiscuit [being cute and coy]:
“Honey, you know I love you, right?”

GeekMan [not really listening]:
“Uh-huh.”

HoBiscuit [unhappy with GeekMan’s inattention]:
“Do you love me?”

GeekMan [unheeding of the warning signs, still not listening]:
“Uh-huh.”

HoBiscuit [eyes angry slits and lower lip pouting]:
“Do you know that our love is a battlefield?”

GeekMan [oblivious]:
“Mmm-hmmm.”

HoBiscuit [angry in an adorably cute way]:
“Well, do you know that I’m winning?”

GeekMan [finally waking up to the fact that he’s in danger]:
“Huh? What? I don’t… you… what?”

HoBiscuit goes back to reading her magazine with a very, very satisfied smile. For the rest of the day GeekMan is so confused and frightened that he actually does the laundry and vacuums without being asked.

Game – Set – Match : HoBiscuit.

Circus Phreak

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   4

I’ve got animal crackers in my underwear.

They’re the vanilla animal crackers you get in a big teddy-bear tub from Costco or BJs. There’s an elephant, a lion, a llama, a seal on a ball and a monkey. The monkey is my favorite. He’s the only one not leaving crumbs in my crotch. I think I’ll call him Howard. Howard the Circus Monkey, because he’s in the animal cracker circus. And to show him how much I like him I’m going to eat Howard last.

Hey, anyone out there want a nice, warm animal cracker?

Amazing Stories

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   3

There are eight of us in the restaurant.

One of our friends is telling a us the story of how she came home late one night, a little drunk, to find her boyfriend unconscious and bleeding from his head on the floor of their apartment after he had spent the night at a bachelor party.

No, not mine.
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Guys And Dolls

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   4

Even toys mock me.

Well ain’t this a kick in the nads? It seems that I’m going to be an action figure, except that it looks nothing like me and I’m not making a penny off of any of the sales. And what’s with the lousy super powers? ‘Opposite Sex Repulsion’ I can understand but ‘Less Than Ideal Personal Hygiene Routine’? Puh-LEASE! I shower once a week like any other decent human being, thankyouverymuch.

I even use soap twice a month, so put that in your pipe and smoke it.
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