Not dead
Busy
Back soon
Promise
Till then
Patience
Good bye
GeekMan
Busy
Back soon
Promise
Till then
Patience
Good bye
GeekMan
Poor In Reign
I was like a god, once.
Long ago and far away, in a place known as ‘Jr. High School’, I was something of a living legend. I walked the halls with an easy smile on my face and a swagger in my step that proclaimed for all who saw me that I was a somebody. I wasn’t just another student, your average bookworm with his fair share of charm and good looks. No, I was so much more than that.
I was my school’s GUY.
You know, THAT guy. The one everyone in school knew, even if just by sight. Every school has a That Guy, and in my school I was he. I was the guy all the other kids wanted to know, the dude they would clear a spot for at even the most crowded of lunch tables, the one they picked first in gym class. I was the student all the female teachers just knew would be a heartbreaker, the troublemaker the principal would always let off with a warning and a smile, the dude the other boys wanted to be.
And the boy all the cute girls whispered about in study hall.
Past ‘nice’, beyond the border of ‘cool’ and forging ahead into the realm of ‘popular’, I moved through the hallowed halls of my school like a king amongst his subjects. I was the one who everyone said hi to, whether they really knew me or not, simply to be able to brag to their friends after school that they ‘knew’ me. Like a medieval Lord touring his countryside domain, the denizens of the school would stop their daily activities as I wandered past to smile at me, touch my hands or bask in my glory in the hopes I would acknowledge their pitiful existence and thus give meaning to their otherwise horrid and worthless lives.
And with but a nod and a smile, I would make their life complete.
Walking those halls, my fellow students would part to let me pass through the crowds as if I were Moses and they the Red…
“Oooff!”
“Hey, watch where you’re going tard-breath! If you weren’t so busy staring off into space with that dumb smile on your face you wouldn’t have bumped into me like the dumbass that you are and dropped all your stupid books.”
“mumble…”
“What did you say?”
“Sorry.”
“You bet your skinny little ass you’re sorry, skidmark. Hey, what’ve you got there, nerd?”
“mumble, mumble…”
“Holy crap, I don’t believe it! Of all the new dorks here today, you must be the biggest! Hey everybody, look at the new kid! He’s got a dorky Dungeon Master’s Guide! Haha! I bet he even carries his dice in a gay felt sack tied closed with a string, the gay farthead!”
*sniffle*
“Awww, look everyone, the little D&D nerd’s going to cry! Cry dweeb-face, cry! Run home to your momma and cry! Hahahahaha!”
Sigh. I was like a god, once…
I Feel Like Suicide
OK, so how many of you thought I was dead?
Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not dead yet. In fact, I’m alive and kicking despite the best laid plans of my clients and their nigh impossible demands upon my mind, body and soul. My physical health may be in tatters, my mental stability may be fraying at the edges and my emotional well being may be spiraling down the crapper of personal self hatred, but I want all of you to know that YOU were first and foremost in my mind during the last month and all I’ve thought about was getting back to you so I could brighten your day with my daily writings about my pathetic life.
So, let me catch you up on my life… using convenient bullet list format!
- Not counting NY, I have visited four cities so far this year for work. All four are now under quarantine or have been declared national disaster areas by the US Department of Anti-Geekiness.
- A close friend had a baby boy on January 7th. Congratulations V & A!
- After living in our apartment for 6 whole months, HoBiscuit and I can finally unpack our belongings this weekend. Just in time for the SuperBowl.
- Despite Mother Nature’s greatest attempts to the contrary, I survived the Great Winter Snowstorm of 2005 without once succumbing to the urge to kill, skin and devour my neighbors children to stave off starvation. However, little Timmy’s dog Kiki will be sorely missed.
- I caught the flu not once, but twice in three weeks. Currently, my white blood cells are on strike until I find a way to pay them all the overtime they accrued as I lay praying for death in various hotel rooms across the country. And hey, if you were sick this month and aren’t sure how you caught your cold, feel free to blame me for your agony. HoBiscuit sure does.
So, now you know how crappy my month has been. How was yours?
I Give Up
Goodbye cruel world.
This is going to be one very busy month for me, so instead of worrying about my website while I’m working, or trying to be funny during my 60 second lunch break when I haven’t slept in two days, I’m just going to close up shop here until my schedule once again allows me the free time to write more posts. I know you’re upset but I’ll be back as soon…
What the…?
You’re laughing? At me? You think my leaving is funny? What kind of person are you? Oh no, don’t go dabbing at your eyes and making the ‘frowning-almost-crying’ face at me, you faking faker! I know how you really feel now, so let’s be honest and stop with all the acting because now we all know that you don’t really care, right? Right?!
Oh man, that is so cold.
Damn. I mean… damn. Oh man, that hurts. Really. It feels like you just put a fricking salt-water-and-lemon-juice icicle in my eye, you know? I mean, you could have pretended. You could have lied to me and told me you cared and only laughed at me after I was gone. But noooo, you had to rip out my damn heart right here in public, didn’t you? Right in front of all your friends so you’d look all macho and stuff, huh? Well guess what?! You aren’t macho! You’re not even cool! And I hate you!
Hate you! Hate you! Hate you!!!
[wiping tears]
*sniff*
Get that tissue out of my face.
*sniff*
I’m not listening to you. You’re a liar.
*sniffle*
Well, I want to believe you…
[blowing nose]
You mean it? You promise? You’re not pulling my chain, right? Really? Really?! Oh wow! I never thought you ever felt that way! What are you doing…? Oh! Oh. My. God. It’s beautiful! OMG! I don’t know what to say! Oh! Yes! YES! Oh wow, I’ve got to call my mom…
Hey, do I need to change my last name?
Happy New Year To You
And happy trails to me.
As is usual for me this time of year I am going to be doing a lot of traveling for work. So, over the next few months updates here will be a little sparse as I flitter hither and yon to grant graphics wishes to my unrelentingly demanding clients all over the world. To show their gratitude for my services, at the end of each project my clients are always happy to use their final wish to wish me free of the iron yoke of my lamp so that I may once again return home to my sweet and loving HoBiscuit. Who will promptly whore me out to another client so I can make her more money so she can buy more shoes.
Ah, marital bliss. Shoot me now.
To make this particular excursion even more excruciating, I happen to be leaving on January 2nd, which just happens to be our one year wedding anniversary. Oh, did I forget to mention that I’ll be headed to sunny San Diego for a week? And that I’ll also be going to San Francisco and New Orleans all in the next three weeks? And HoBiscuit won’t? She’ll be stuck here in New York, unpacking all of our belongings into our new closets, which are being conveniently installed during my absence. And for those of you who may have lost track of certain facts during the last year, let me remind you that HoBiscuit and I have still not gone on a honeymoon!
Oh yeah, I’m a dead man.
Anywaste, since I’m going to be fairly hectic with work and/or funeral arrangements for myself over the next month or so, I hope you’ll be a tad forgiving should updates here at The Mighty Geek become a bit sporadic. I’ll do my best to post whenever I can, but I make no promises. In the meantime, I wish all of you a happy new year and please try not to make New Years Resolutions because we all know you’ll never keep them. Unless of course, your resolution is to visit this site more often and shower me with love.
That one I’d make you keep.
Worst Of
Yeah, I know it’s lame, but I don’t care.
I figured that if everyone else could get away with a stupid list of all the posts that they liked best on their own site, I could too. So, here are the entries I posted in the last year that I think are so bad that everyone should be subjected to them once again just to remind themselves as to how awful this site truly is. I tried to keep it to one entry per month, but sometimes the horror could not be contained to just one post. I’ve also broken them down by month so you can follow my southward, spiraling suckiness through the year and wince in pain as you realize that even though scientists have theorized that these levels of suckiness have existed, no one has actually proven it until now.
May god have mercy on us all.
January
You May Think It’s Funny, But It’s Not
February
Writing Without Thinking
March
Medically Induced Epiphany #79834
The Purple Putz
April
An Army Of Dumb
May
A Sad, Sad Day
June
Grandfather’s Big Day
Where’s My Cane?
July
Oh Boy
Fat Bastard
August
Aneurisms Are Hard
September
September was a bad month. It has been removed from my calendar. Let us never speak of it again.
October
Bad Medicine
Emasculation Proclamation
November
The Mighty Kitchen
Dear Diary
New Arrival
Mind Over Matters
QOTD
If I changed the look of this site, would anyone care?
Chocolaty Goodness
I love Cocoa Pebbles.
I’m not kidding. If Cocoa Pebbles was a woman I’d have pictures of her all over my bedroom and a ‘special’ magazine in the bathroom comprised of sexy shots of her in lingerie, thongs and bikinis. Mmmm… bikinis… Ahem, as I was saying, I just can’t get enough of my Cocoa Pebbles. I’d say I’m addicted except that the word ‘addict’ doesn’t do this level of compulsive need justice.
Cocoa Pebbles, oh how I love thee.
To help you understand my feelings for this cereal, let me tell you what I did for breakfast this morning. Knowing that I was going to eat a delicious bowl of heaven in the form of crunchy, flakey, chocolaty goodness, I went to the cabinet in search of a bowl. Not just any bowl would do, you understand. What I searched for was a Mighty Bowl, a bowl large enough to contain roughly half of an entire box of Cocoa Pebbles cereal and the quarter gallon of milk necessary to make my breakfast complete. Oh, and I also needed a small glass for my orange juice, of course.
Hey, everyone needs vitamins. Even Cocoa Pebbles freaks like me.
So, I searched and searched until I came to the oversized mixing bowls in the bottom of the hardest to reach kitchen cabinet because we never have need of bowls that large unless we’re serving salad to the entire population of Brazil. I stared at them for a few seconds trying to understand what in the world we had them for. I mean, honestly. Who in the world would ever need mixing bowls that could double as baby baths? Throw in an oversized salad spoon and you could probably row some of the bowls across the Hudson River as makeshift rafts! These bowls were huge! They must have been made as soup bowls for giants, or maybe as contact lenses for whales. Any way you looked at it, they were much too large for normal person use.
But they were perfect for my Cocoa Pebbles.
I filled the bowl with half a box of Pebbles and some milk, plopped myself in front of the TV and then spent 20 minutes working my way through it while watching Spike TV’s 007 Days of Bond. It was heaven. And the best part? HoBiscuit was nowhere in sight to admonish me for eating that much crap for breakfast.
Mmmm… admonishment-free sugar high. [drool]
Public Shame
I talk too much.
I’ve got to learn when to keep my big mouth shut. Sometimes I’m lucky enough to hold my tongue when not speaking is the right thing to do, but more often than not I wind up yapping away about the wrong subject and at the worst possible moment in a conversation. This usually leads to public ridicule and derisive laughter, or worse yet, uncomfortable silences. VERY uncomfortable silences.
I’ll give you a quick example;
Coworker #1
“I really hate these clients. No matter what we do, they just keep coming back with more changes. They’re never happy.”Coworker #2
“Yeah. They’re like roaches. No matter what you try they keep coming back to annoy you.”Coworker #3
“Or like a fungus.”GeekMan
“Yeah! Yeah! They’re like dingleberries!”Coworkers #1, 2 & 3
“…”GeekMan
“You know? Dingleberries? The little balls of lint-like fuzz that… ah, get stuck… in your… uhm, butt hair?”[crickets]
GeekMan [hanging head in shame]
“Can I get a do-over? Please?”Coworkers #1, 2 & 3
“Idiot.”
I need a Control-Z for real life, dammit.
All I Want For Christmas Is Views
Merry fricking Christmas.
It’s Christmas Eve and I’m getting ready to go out for dinner with some friends so I’m going to be quick about this. But before I start handing out the prizes to the winners, let’s take a moment to acknowledge all of those who entered but lost. In other words;
Let’s talk LOSERS!
The Biggest Loser Award, of course, goes to my lifelong friend Mr. Hentai. Not only is he a loser for knowing me in real life for over 25 years, but he also can’t seem to follow simple contest instructions like my rule number three which clearly states that he needed to leave “a link to my award on your site.” By simply leaving a link to his site in general, poor Mr. Hentai gets nothing but coal in his stocking this Christmas. Schmuck.
The Runner-Up Loser Award is… a tie!
NeverSwallows, a curious moniker which I’ve been told means that she gets all her nourishment through an IV, didn’t win for the same reason Mr. Hentai didn’t. You see, just like Mr. Hentai, she can’t seem to follow directions. Awwww, poor baby.
FatDude, or FatGuy, or whatever he calls himself nowadays, is a Runner-Up Loser because he tried to enter the contest after the end of the submission time period. By email. With sad-faced emoticons, puppy-eyed begging and everything. For being too lazy to actually submit to my whims and pump my ego by giving me an award in time for my contest, I bequeath unto FatDude the Runner-Up Loser Award and a swift kick to his immense and grotesque arse. And this time I’m leaving my galoshes in there, too. Maybe it’ll teach him a lesson. Then again, maybe not.
Next we have the… uhhhh, the uhmm…
The Nominated But Still Not A Winner Awards!
This award goes to everyone who, ahhh… entered but didn’t win. Any resemblance to a pity link in the hopes of not actually alienating those who took the time to enter this contest is purely coincidental. This is an actual award and should not be looked upon as a last minute addition to appease my readers who may or may not be mentally unstable lifetime members of the NRA and able to find Brooklyn on a map.
I’m not kidding. Stop rolling your eyes.
Anywaste, the Nominated But Still Not a Winner Award goes to the following Bloggers, all of whom aren’t only non-winners, they’re non-losers, too!
But enough about the losers non-winners, let’s get to the meat and potatoes. Speaking of which, I’m damn hungry, so without further ado, let’s talk winners!
The Miss Congeniality Award is a wonderful award to win. Usually, nobody wants to be Miss Congeniality because all it means is that you lost the real prize, but not this time. No, in my stupid Christmas contest the Miss Congeniality winner will receive any item they choose from The Mighty Shop!
Oh yeah, I can smell the jealousy.
May I have the envelope, please? And The Mighty Geek Miss Congeniality Award goes to…
It’s a TIE!
Well, the judges are obviously on crack or have been bribed in some way because we all know that those two didn’t deserve this award. But, rules are rules, so JadedJu and SpreeGirl, if you’ll be so kind as to email me accepting your reward for giving me an award, I’ll send you your award reward.
Did that make sense? Ah, who cares? Let’s get to the next Award!
The Runner-Up Suck-Up Award winner will receive $25 in PayPal money OR any item off of their Amazon wishlist worth $25 or less. This is a nice prize and it should be going to a worthy person who has done something truly wonderful… but instead it will go to…
Jen of Random Gestures!
Jen, send me an email accepting your reward and we’ll set up the awarding of the reward. It’s a pity that we’ll have to do some sort of currency exchange in order for you to get your prize, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to use the ¤2,847,902.11 Drachma you’ll receive after the exchanger takes his 95% cut. Maybe you’ll buy a piece of Canadian candy or whatever it is you foreign people like to eat. Damn Canadians.
But enough about those rotten foreigners, let’s get to the true main event!
The 2004 Mighty Geek Super-Ultra Brown-Nosing Suck-Up Award winner is…
Not only did he give me an award on his site, he gave me EVERY award on his site! That level of brown nosing for a cash reward is rare indeed and all of you would be suck-up’s should go grovel at Solonors feet and devote your entire life to emulating his brown-nosing expertise. As the winner of The 2004 Mighty Geek Super-Ultra Brown-Nosing Suck-Up Award, Solonor will receive $40 in PayPal money OR any item off of his Amazon wishlist worth $40 or less. Sol, send me an email telling me how much you love me and I’ll make you $40 richer.
I hope you’re all happy. Now, if you’re reading this on Christmas, I have a special message just for you;
Get a life!
Merry Christmas. Every won.