Return Of Moldy Bastard

• by GeekMan • In Bread, Geek Life, Wedding •   2

It was supposed to be a nice day today.

I was sitting at my home office computer doing some work for a client when I caught a whiff of something foul. At first I thought that perhaps it was the off-white, yellowish-brown clump of fuzz I had just picked from my belly-button, but upon bringing it to my nose for a quick sniff I realized that it was actually odorless. Putting it away for later study into the special box labeled “Curious Things Removed From My Body”, I quickly scanned the room. At first I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, but when I felt something warm and slimy touch my leg I nearly jumped out of my skin in surprise.
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Complete Geek Alert

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   2

Blisters suck.

For the first time since I was eight and spent 12 straight hours playing Space Invaders on my Atari 2600, I’m suffering from a video game related injury. I guess it’s my own fault too, since I’m the idiot who just spent 5 hours trying to learn all of the special moves for Hayabusa in Dead Or Alive 3.

And you know what? After all that time, I still suck.

I don’t know how the hell people can possibly do the “Izuna-Otoshi” attack without having a third thumb, but apparently every human being under the age of 16 can do it six times in a row during a single round of combat while I’m left with my face stuck in the floor. That really pisses me off to no end, especially when they’re doing all of these cool special moves and all I can manage to do is “punch+punch+kick+punch”.

Dammit, I fricking suck at this game.

Oh well, at least I can still watch the sexy girl characters scamper about on the screen in their skimpy outfits. And if you watch closely, once in a while they even show panties! It’s like an indecent, decadent slice of heaven just for me. Joy!

Oh man, Kasumi versus Lei Fang. I think I just wet myself.

Want To Hire Me?

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   3

GeekMan
Basement of Fiery Death and Wedding Preparation
666 6th Avenue
Hells Kitchen, NY 10110
geekman at the mighty geek.com

OBJECTIVE:
To contribute to your personal and professional success through the use of my devilish charm, god-like sexual prowess, amazing good looks, biting wit, venomous sarcasm, superior intelligence, exceptional customer service and other various skills in a permanent position as the primary organizer, manager, administrator and God-Like Supreme Overlord of your pitiful life. Hire me, or I will be forced to kill this cute and fuzzy bunny.

EXPERIENCE:
Wedding Slave – New York, 2003-Forever
Visualized, assembled and delivered over 150 wedding invitations. Used creative juices to slowly roast my own brain while cutting, pasting and printing said invitations. Upon project completion, will congratulate myself by placing my penis in the waffle iron.

Blogger Supreme – The Internet, 2001-2003
Conceptualized, produced, edited, managed and updated a stupid web site no one’s ever heard of. Used sophomoric humor and a retarded kindergartener’s idea of satire to avoid the reality of my pathetically sad and lonely life.

Senior Hairstylist – Long Island, NY, 1972-2001
Consulted with clients with reference to new styles and colors, providing experienced guidance without once stabbing the noisome old hags in their eyes. Managed and maintained a large client base consisting of 100+ victims personal clients. Handled dangerous electronic devices and sharp objects with dexterity and finesse, even while running after fleeing “clients”.

Wandering Minstrel – The World, 1544-1972
Experienced in the ancient art of cavorting while wearing pink and blue tights and a hat with little bells. Wait. On second thought, let us ignore this chapter of my life and never speak of it again.

High Inquisitor & Lordship General – Spain, 1523-1544
Used the power of my office to hunt down, torture and kill anyone who didn’t like me in high school. Created the word ‘heretic’ and defined it as, “Anyone who questions what I say, doesn’t do what I want them to do or who I even think doesn’t think like I want them to think.” This definition was later co-opted by women for their own use and ‘heretic’ was redefined as “Someone I want to beat up.”

Creator of Nazrebash – Fifth Circle of the Lower Pits of Hell
June 30th, 45BC from 4:21pm to 5:15pm
Used powers magical to conceptualize, create, populate and summarily destroy an entire plane of existence, including but not limited to, the heavens, the earth and all that once lived.

EDUCATION:
Masters in Blogging When Completely Uninspired – Midvale School for the Gifted, 2003
Masters in Fear Mongering and Despotism in the 21st Century – NYU, 1999
Masters in Undead Zombie Creation – Harvard, 1921
B.A. in Theater – City College, Nome Alaska, 1874

My Preciousss

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories •   16

I love hot chocolate.

Really, I do. It’s so tasty, with its chocolaty goodness, that even the smell of it can send an ecstatic shiver of excitement up and down my spine. Since it was cold out yesterday I made myself my first cup of the season of my favorite brand of instant hot chocolate, Swiss Miss (with extra marshmallows).

And god help me, I nearly wet myself in ecstasy.

As I sat there sipping the blessed nectar of the gods and watching Survivor on TV, I was transported back in time to one of the most horrific moments of my young life. I remember it like it was yesterday…
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A Mighty Surprise

• by GeekMan • In Fans •   2

Yesterday I got the shock of my life.

I was sitting here surfing the highly pornographic educational internet after my much beloved cable repair man left yesterday afternoon, when the doorbell rang. Fully expecting the cable guy to have returned to take me up on my offer of, “a much more personal thank you for a job well done” I opened the door and was amazed to find that it wasn’t the cable guy at all.
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Life’s A Beach

• by GeekMan • In Traveling •   5

And then it’s October.

I’ll be in Florida for the next six days, but I’ll be back on the first of October which is also the day the cable company says it will be fixing my internet connection. Be evil, mean and nasty amongst yourselves until I return, at which point I shall spank you all and send you to your rooms without supper.

But you can still have Sumpoosie. Because I’m just that kind of guy.

Mocca Chocolata Ya Ya

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   8

Coffeehouses suck giraffe penis.

Since I don’t drink coffee but need to be inside this café in order to access the internet I felt it would only be fair for me to actually purchase something from this House of Stinky Liquids. It took me a few minutes of perusing the menu bolted to the wall behind the counter before I found something I thought might be palatable, and then I stepped up to the terminally bored 15-going-on-50 year-old cashier.
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Nanotechnology Saves The World

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   5

And no, this doesn’t have anything to do with curing cancer.

Don’t get me wrong, curing cancer (or The Cancer, as my grandparents call it) is probably the noblest reason for creating nanotechnology one could ever ask for. Using tiny, microscopic robots to attack and destroy anything is super-freaky cool in and of itself. But having a one nanometer tall Techno-Godzilla beating the crap out of a cancer cell in your colon would be so cool that I think they should film it for a new Fox TV series called, ‘Micro Monster Deathmatch: LIVE!’. Ha! Imagine tiny, humanoid cancer cells pointing at the sky and screaming in fear as they run from their burning Cancer City before the might of the NanoMonsters.

“Godzirrah! Godzirrah! AHHhhhh!!!”
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We Love You

• by GeekMan • In Wedding •   10

Do you still love us?

HoBiscuit and I are still doing a lot of work getting ready for our upcoming wedding, so things will continue to be a little slow around here for at least the next two weeks. We’re doing pretty well crossing things off our list of ‘things necessary to do in order to get married’. We’ve got the Dress, the place, the flowers, the DJ, the food, the invitations and almost everything else. You could say we’ve got just about everything we need for this wedding, so what could we possibly be doing that’s taking up all of our precious internet time?

Well, you see, we haven’t found anyone to perform the ceremony yet.

I know, I know. We are stupid. Yes, yes, I understand that we seem to have plenty of time to find someone to marry us, but I can assure you that we do not, especially since I will be traveling for the next two weeks. That means we need to book someone before I leave or we’ll really be up a poo creek without a T.P. boat in October. With evil, little fishes made of corn chunks with sharp, pointy teeth circling us as we sink into the stinky sludge.

Ew.

So, as I get ready to loose my mind trying to please four different parental units with two different religious beliefs at one wedding event, I would appreciate any show of support you might want to express to my future wife and I. A comment here would be nice, or an email, if you’re feeling eloquent, would be even nicer. But to truly show your support and love for us, you might do something even better! Now, you might be asking yourself, “What could possibly be better than an email of love?!” and on any other day I’d be hard pressed to give you a good answer.

But this is not any other day.

So from today, and until our happy wedding day on January 2nd, if you really want to show HoBiscuit and I just how much you love us, you can buy us a little something from our brand spanking new Wedding Registry! Personally, I’d think you were a cheap llama-loving loser if you didn’t buy us the new Sony Clie, or at least the complete Ranma ½ Digital Dojo collection. But that’s just me. HoBiscuit says she’d be thrilled to get even a single CD or book from someone, but I don’t think she’ll really be happy without The Complete Monty Python’s Flying Circus Megaset to go with it.

And Half-Life 2. We must not forget Half-Life 2.

BTW, if you actually know us in real life then ignore the GeekMan & HoBiscuit registry since we’ve set up other registries under our real names for our family and friends. So, if you actually thought you could get off easy by buying us a DVD for $15 and calling it a day, you’ve got another think coming. That’s right, grandma. Can we say “Wüsthof”? How about “All-Clad”?

And Mr. Hentai; if I see even ONE gravy boat I will kill you. Dead.