Paradise Lost

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   Comments Off on Paradise Lost

“Hmmm. I think I need some new anime DVDs.”

Taking another look at my vast collection of anime I nodded in satisfaction. There I was, standing in front of shelf after shelf of anime DVDs, each of which I had watched at least once on my Very Expensive Home Theater System. I puffed out my chest with pride knowing that I was truly a master of all I surveyed.

A sad and pathetic master, but still, a Master.

Since it was a little late in the day for a trip to my favorite anime shoppe, I decided to check there website to find out their business hours before making the long and arduous journey. But when I got there I received the shock of my week.

“They’re closed?!”

I sat there in disbelief for about ten minutes. How could they do this to me? How could they close their doors without even a going out of business sale? Where was the big 50% off super sale? Did they not have a liquidation bonanza? Holy crap, where was I going to buy the entire series of Eureka 7 for $40 instead of having to spend $30 per DVD at Amazon?! Now that they’re gone, where am I supposed to get my anime fix?!

Dammit. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep.

For Future Reference

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   Comments Off on For Future Reference

Just so you know.

Eating an entire pint of vanilla Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream right after downing 64 ounces of very sugary raspberry iced tea and then walking in the hot afternoon sun for two hours is NEVER a good idea.

Not even when the ice cream is free.

Warning Signs

• by GeekMan • In Bread •   1

I was starving.

Last night, as I wandered the city streets window shopping for new gizmos and gadgets to add to my collection, I decided that I would eat something bad for me. I don’t really know why I had a craving for bad food, but I’m sure you’ll all agree that when the desire for fatty, salty, horrible-for-your-body food strikes you, you must satisfy it or die in the attempt.

And man, was I ever Jonesin’ for a burger.

It just so happens that the street I was walking down had one of my favorite bad fast food places on it and, like a good little crave-fulfilling drone, I headed right to it. Upon entering the King McWendies, I was assaulted by the smell of fry grease and burger fat and my mouth went into drool overdrive. It had been months since my last King McWendies fix and after a full day of window shopping I couldn’t imagine a more fitting meal for my dinner than a big, fat, bacon cheeseburger, a side of fries and a swimming pool filled with the carbonated beverage of my choice.

It would be like having heaven in a greasy paper wrapper.

I quickly stepped up to the counter and placed my order. Moments later I was sitting down at a table with my food displayed before me like a mini-shrine to human consumption, the burger dripping with secret sauces, bacon fat and grease, the fries covered in salt and more grease and the humongous soda standing above the rest, tall and proud like an idol of Vessence the Goddess Of Carbonation.

It brought a single tear of joy to my eyes.

Carefully, almost reverently, I picked up my burger and took my first bite. Oh the meaty juiciness, the bacony deliciousness of the King McWendies bacon burger. It was everything I remembered, everything I had hoped. It was juicy, it was hot and it was…

Tangy?

Wait a minute. This wasn’t right! This was wrong! Horribly, horribly wrong! My burger shouldn’t taste tangy, like good-for-you orange juice. It should taste fresh and greasy, like something really bad for you. What the frick was going on here?

I took another bite just to make sure.

Hmmm… I could taste the meat itself, hot and juicy and bad for me. That seemed to be fine. What else was there? Hmmm… pickles, check. Lettuce, check. Onions, check. Cheese, check. Secret sauces and ketchup, check and check. Well, there doesn’t seem to be anything amiss with the ingredients in the burger, maybe I should visually inspect it for discrepancies…

And that’s when I saw the mold.

Not a tiny spot of mold, no. The entire bottom part of the bun was covered in green mold. Green, furry mold. To say I was taken aback by this discovery would be somewhat misleading since what I was actually feeling was more like amazingly disgusted rage.

Immediately followed by nearly overpowering nausea.

Knowing full well that the worker bees at King McWendies would be of no help whatsoever, and also knowing that there was no way I would be eating anything more from King McWendies… EVER… I decided that the best course of action was to quietly demand my money back, leave King McWendies and eat somewhere else.

Preferably someplace that didn’t serve bread.

After getting my money back I made my way to my favorite restaurant. A place where the owner knows me and the chef always gives me a little something extra for free. I ordered my favorite dish, took a sip of water and got ready to enjoy my meal. And then it hit me. Moldy bread? At King McWendies? Suddenly I knew it hadn’t been a random mistake, the moldy bread had been planted. Somebody wanted to send me a message… a message only I would comprehend. And following close on the heels of that revelation came the perpetrators name; Bread.

I began to sweat.

Taking another sip of water I tried to calm myself down. It couldn’t possibly be Bread, he was gone. History. He had left long ago and said he wouldn’t be coming back because I was far too lame for someone as cool as himself. He wasn’t back. He couldn’t be back. Could he?

I sweated even more.

Suddenly very thirsty, I lifted my water to my mouth for another sip. Glancing down I discovered a dead fly floating right below where my lips would have been on the glass had I tried to drink. Looking closer, I saw that there was a tiny knife stuck in the flies back and a note that read, “Hi Bub. See you soon.”

Holy crap, I’m a dead man.

Weekend Thought

• by GeekMan • In Experiments •   3

Just a little something to occupy your mind over the weekend.

It seems that people are never satisfied with time. When they’re young they always look to the future and when they’re old they revel in the past. Young people are always in a rush with nowhere really important to go but desperately trying to get there in time, while older people take their time moving around even though they know they have far less time than their younger counterparts.

With that in mind, here’s the question.

At what age do you believe you were, or will be, happy with your here and now? And what were you, or will you be, doing?

The Password Is…

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life •   1

OK, new rule.

If you ever see me walking down the street and you think I’m in a good mood because I’m whistling to myself, you would be wrong. Not because I’m always in a bad mood when I’m out walking around on a glorious spring day, quite the opposite. I’m usually in a really wonderful mood, enjoying not only the sunshine and birdsong, but it might also be possible I’ve just been told some good news, like I’m going to India and Copenhagen for work, or some other nonsense.

Which, you must admit, would be fricking cool.

So you see, it’s not my mood about which you would be mistaken. It would be something else. And should you ever think I’m whistling happily to myself as I walk about, you should immediately stop me and say, “Boris says hello.” It doesn’t matter if you know me or not, just shout it out as if you did and you had just seen Boris and he wanted me to call him immediately.

Remember, “Boris says hello.” Write it down.

It’s a code phrase, you understand. A secretive and subtle method of alerting me to danger. I am depending on you, my loyal minions, to use this code phrase in order to warn me of my imminent peril. You see, there is no Boris. Boris does not exist. He is a figment of my imagination, a convenient construct that, thanks to your whispered remark, will let me know that I need to run, not walk, to the nearest private area and take care of something vital to my social survival.

In other words, I need to groom my nose hair.

Remember back at the beginning of this post when I mentioned how if I were walking down the street whistling it didn’t mean that I was in a good mood? The reason for that statement is that I don’t whistle when I’m in a good mood. In fact, I don’t whistle. At all. Ever. But you know what? The foot-long hair sticking out of my nose does.

And the bastard loves the Macarena.

It’s About Time

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   1

I’m a big, fat, lazy, pathetic idiot.

For the last week I’ve been sitting around on my butt wallowing in pitiful “woe-is-me” mode as I pine for inspiration and motivation to do something, or anything, with my suddenly very free time. But instead of getting up and doing all the things I promised myself I’d do when I had the time (like redesigning this site, creating a photoblog, taking a class on Flash design or even just reading a fricking book) I’ve been lying about in my undies on the couch watching some of the worst home improvement shows I can find. Oh sure, I may have learned how to re-tile my kitchen floor using broken plates or how to turn an old salad bowl into a decorative birdbath, but some things truly are not worth knowing. Like how certain How To hosts can really freak you out with their ugly sweaters, Sammy Davis Jr. eyes and over-emphasized head-bobbing.

Oh yeah! I’m talking to you, Suzanne Whang!

It all came to a head last night. After I finished watching another riveting installment of Buy Me on HGTV and right after I got winded attempting to get my expanding butt off the couch so I could eat another pound of raspberry Jell-O while standing over the sink and crying softly to myself, I realized just how low I had sunk. I mean, I had just spent three hours of my life watching reruns of really bad Fix-It shows I had already seen that very afternoon and all I wanted to do was eat another pound of Jell-O and find out how I could increase the value of my apartment by making my own cheap throw pillows and rearranging the furniture.

It was obvious I needed an intervention.

So I decided that enough was enough. I needed to get back into the swing of things and be creative or I would simply fade away and die. The very first thing that was going to change was I would get back on the horse and start writing here again. Every weekday that I am home, no excuses. Second, I’m going to take a class on something. I don’t know what yet, but I will learn something this summer or die trying. Third, and right now most important, I’m going to stop eating raspberry Jell-O by the pound.

Whoever said “There’s always room for Jell-O” must have had a tapeworm.

Also, I’ve redesigned the site but I’ve run into a problem that I cannot for the life of me fix. So until I come up with a solution it’s going to stay under wraps. However, if you’re interested in seeing a rough of it and giving me feedback or technical help, shoot me an email and I’ll send you the link to the über-secret redesign page. Then you can show off and tell all your friends in math class that you saw the redesign before anyone else.

You hot and sexy Geek, you.

Lastly, it’s my Bloggerversary. The Mighty Geek is five years old today. Huzzah. In the past I’ve written songs for my Bloggerversary, asked for linky-love from my minions and even tried to become famous by insulting famous bloggers with short fuses. This year I think I’ll try something different and pretend that I’m too old for silly pranks and stupid parties and just say Happy Bloggerversary to me and leave it at that.

Besides, I don’t have enough TP for everyone’s house.

Lucas Redeemed

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News •   2

Han Solo shoots first. Again.

That was the battle cry of every true Star Wars fan ever since 1997’s 20th anniversary edition of the original movies were released with content that had been ‘edited for your viewing pleasure.’ What did that mean? Well, due to George Lucas’ inability to leave well enough alone, he had digitally enhanced the movies (which I’ll be the first to admit was a Very Good Thing) and then messed up the whole story by digitally adding character and even whole scenes to the movie. And the most heinous of offenses he perpetrated on his adoring fans?

He made Greedo shoot first.

For the three of you in existence who have no idea what I’m talking about let me bring you up to speed. In the original Star Wars movie Luke and Obi-Wan go to the Cantina to procure a spaceship so they can get off planet and thus help save Princess Leia. In the Cantina they meet Han Solo and Chewbacca and, after a bit of haggling over price, Han Solo agrees to help them. After Luke and Obi-Wan leave the Cantina, and after Chewbacca also leaves to prepare the ship, Han Solo is confronted by a bounty hunter named Greedo who has been sent by Jabba to collect either the money Han owes Jabba, or else Han’s dead body.

And then, without any warning, Han shoots Greedo.

To my mind, this was the defining moment of Han’s character in the movies. He was a rogue, a scoundrel and not the kind of guy anybody with half a mind would ever trust and yet, by the end of the movie he has a change of heart and does the right thing by helping Luke when he had absolutely nothing to gain and everything to lose. That’s what made Han Solo such a cool character and it’s also why, after seeing the 1997 re-release of Star Wars, I swore off anything and everything Star Wars related. I promised myself that I would never give George Lucas another penny of my money until he finally admitted that he had been wrong to tamper with what was for millions of fans a classic movie and released an unedited version of the movies along with his newer “re-imaginings”.

And now my prayers have been answered.

In September Lucas will release a new DVD package of the three original movies (Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back & Return of the Jedi) which will contain the original theatrical releases on DVD, sans re-imaginings, and the newer, digitally tweaked 2004 editions in which George added even MORE characters and scenes and changed the Cantina scene yet again so that both Greedo and Han Solo fire at each other simultaneously.

Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

Anywaste, now that he’s finally realized the error of his ways and is going to release the originals as they were meant to be seen I can finally buy a DVD version of three of my favoritist movies ever. I only hope that those of you who know Star Wars only through the three newer movies (Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones & Revenge of the Sith) and the digitally re-imagined originals will buy the originals now so you can finally understand why they mean so much to those of us who grew up with them. Plus, it’s just one more excuse to see Princess Leia in that slave bikini in sloooooowwww motttionnnn.

Oh man, I know what HoBiscuit’s wearing for Halloween! Boo-Ya!

Funny Go Bye-Bye

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   1

What the heck’s happened to me?

I used to sit down in front of my computer and, an hour later, have a 700 word piece of comical genius ready to be posted here. Nowadays, when I actually have the time to sit down here, I find myself struggling to string three sentences together and the best joke I can come up with is, “I just farted.”

Heh. And it smells like rotten eggs.

I know it’s not really my normal modus operandi, but lately I’ve been so preoccupied with allergies, work, allergies, my apartment(s) and allergies that writing funny stories here has been pretty low on my priority list of things to do. I know you’re all crushed to hear that, but the truth of the matter is that it’s allergy season and right now all of my willpower is focused on breathing without swallowing gallons and gallons of mucus. It might sound disgusting, but this morning I woke up, rolled over in bed and had about half a cup of mucus pour out of my left nostril and onto my pillow.

The yellowish-green, semi-solid kind of mucus, too. Ewww.

I would love to be funny right now. You have no idea how lovely it would be for me to be funny right now. That’s because being funny would mean that I was feeling good, or at least better than I have been lately. Unfortunately, I’m not feeling so great right now and I can’t even imagine feeling better except in the most abstract and ethereal way.

You know, like The Ghost Of Healthiness Past.

Instead I’m going to go back to laying down on the couch, popping my allergy medication as often as possible and moaning to the walls about how unfair it is that I have to suffer this way when HoBiscuit, the love of my life who is supposed to care for me and understand my pain, insists that we go to the botanical gardens or the park because it’s such a beautiful day outside and how can I possibly want to stay indoors with the lights off, curtains closed and the air purifiers blasting in my face? And believe you me, when I answer her with, “Because otherwise I’ll die.” I never get any sympathy. All I get is a scornful look of disdain, that sucking in air over teeth sound, a toss of her head and two sentences that show just how clueless she is when it comes to my suffering. “Why don’t you just grow up and take it like a man? Don’t be such a baby all the time!” And then she stabs me in the heart with the most hurtful thing she can possibly say when I’m this low. “It’s not like you’re really sick. I mean, honestly, it’s just allergies!”

And now you know why she hides the knives.

Wanted: Savior

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   1

My nose is bleeding.

Not because I’ve been in a fight, or am up on some super-high mountain or anything. No, my nose is bleeding because I’ve blown it over 1,000,000,000 times in the last hour and its innards are so raw and cracked that even looking at it in the mirror causes blood to flow from it like a waterfall. What I need now isn’t another allergy pill, or a softer tissue, or even sympathy. What I really need right now is someone to cure my allergies because I’m about ready to run amok with a gun on the city streets until someone finally puts me out of my misery. My allergies are so bad right now that I’d rather eat sand and poop glass than blow my nose just one more time. It’s so bad, really, that I am going to go to my room, stick tissues in my nostrils, cover my bloodshot eyes with a wet towel and cry myself to sleep.

Somebody save me, please?