Thumbing It

My cell phone sucks.

Today I am once again Blogging from the road using my cell phone. Normally this would warrant a “This is so COOL!” statement, but not from me. I guess I’m just not the kind of person who’s cut out for the “convenience” of using these stupid little keys for typing out anything longer than, “c u l8r 4 dinner?”

Know what I mean?

Anywaste, I just wanted to let everyone know that if you’re in the market for a new phone and are thinking of buying the T-Mobile MDA, don’t. Well, I should mention that the MDA is awesome for being a pda, for surfing the web, connecting to your Outlook contacts or almost any other pda-like task you could ever hope for your phone to do. Why do I hate it then?

Because it sucks as a phone.

It doesn’t hold signal at all, dialing is a study in frustration and the accidental cheek-pressing-button factor is extremely high. All in all, I wouldn’t recommend the MDA to anyone who relies on their cell phone for voice communication. Because it truly does suck for making or receiving calls.

And now I’m going to soak my thumbs in ice water.

Geek In Crisis

Ever lose your life?

Well, I have. In fact, not only did I lose my life, I lost a whole lot of HoBiscuit’s life, too. You see, being a Geek, I keep most of my important documents, client billing information, treasured photographs, music, movies and a whole bunch of other valuable things on my computer. Which means that if something bad should happen to my computer, oh, let’s just say a hard drive meltdown for example, it could devastate me.

And why do I bring this up?

Well, you might have noticed that it’s been a little quiet around here lately. And, upon noticing the deafening silence, you might have asked yourself if something might have happened to poor GeekMan that would keep him away from you for so long. And then you’d probably shrug your shoulders and think, “Oh well, another idiot Blogger bites the dust. There’s plenty where that schmuck came from and to tell the truth I never really thought he was that funny, anyway.”

You heartless bastard.

Well, I haven’t bitten the dust, as it were. But, one of my external hard drives did. This was the drive I called “Silver” because it had a cool silver metal casing and could hold 250GBs of my important pr0n … ahem, I mean work documents. Silver contained all my digital photographs, all my digitized music, my movies (no pr0n), my web designs and even the backups for some of my work files. All that stuff, all of that important-to-me stuff which came out to over 140GBs worth of data, POOF! Gone. Just like that.

But there is a bright side.

You see, just last week I was thinking to myself that it would probably be a smart thing to do some kind of massive backup of all my important files. “Self,” I said to myself. “It would be horrible if you were to wake up one day and find that your external hard drives were dead and that the last time you had made backups of the files was in August of 2004. Why don’t we get ourselves one of those network attached storage thingamabobs and make daily backups so that we can avoid any unpleasant occurrences?”

And to my credit, I agreed with myself.

So I went and ordered one of these from Amazon. It arrived a couple of days later and I set it up to backup EVERYTHING on both of my external hard drives because I didn’t want to risk losing anything. And then, just ONE DAY after doing this backup, Silver rode off into the sunset for the last time.

Moral? I am the most prescient Geek alive.

So now I’m almost back to normal. I’ll tell you all about the last two weeks of my life starting on Monday when I hope everything’s calmed down enough that I can finally get back to some sort of “normal” Blogging schedule. But in the meantime, why don’t you do yourself a big favor and get a backup drive so you can backup all the important, and not so important, crap you’ve got on your computer? You’ll thank me in the morning.

And yes, that includes your prized collection of Japanese bukake pr0n.

Haiku-alicious

When life gives you lemons wear goggles.

I know most of you, heck ALL of you, don’t really care about my real life, but I’m going to tell you a little about my week so far just because it’s driving me crazy so I might as well bring you along for the ride. And you know what? Just because I’m going a bit crazy, I think I’ll tell you using Haiku!

New PhotoBlog site
CSS, HTML
Soon to be revealed

Must buy new laptops
Money flows and disappears
Like flushing toilet

Work, work, work, work, work
Interfering with my life
Yet without, I cry

Searching for or not
Brother, best friend and trouble
Always together

Grandpa hospital
Anxious worry, hopeless fear
Better soon, we hope

I’ll be back as soon as I can.

Stupid, Stupid CSS

Somebody help me… please?

I’m running into a CSS problem that I can’t seem to solve even after almost 10 hours of futzing around with it. So, if you know CSS and want to help me out before I paint the walls red using my own face as a paintbrush, drop me an email or IM me (MightyBoredGeeK). I think there’s a simple solution to my problem but dagnabbit, it’s driving me crazy!

Boogie, boogie, boogie, boo!

Product Of The Century

You never know when inspiration will strike.

Last weekend, while sitting in a restaurant eating brunch, I overheard two young ladies discussing the sorry state of their dating lives. Now, by the way these two ladies were describing their sex lives, you’ll forgive me for first assuming they were auditioning for a new “Sex & The City” spinoff or something because between the two of them they appeared to be dating about 20 men at the same time. And yet, no matter how many men they dated in a month, they couldn’t seem to find Mr. Right. Even when they slept with their date’s roommate or brother.

Awwww… pity.

At some point the loud and increasingly annoying conversation suddenly turned into a discussion of the possible gayness of the men these ladies wanted to date, but as of yet had not. One lady would throw out a name to the other who would then voice her opinion on that mans possible gayness factor and then she would throw another name back at the first lady and etc., etc., etc.

Which got me thinking.

There are plenty of guys out there who seem very effeminate but who aren’t homosexual at all, and then there are the guys who are homosexuals but seem very heterosexual in their demeanor. I’m sure that right this very second, each and every one of you reading this are thinking of someone you know who has this problem, someone who seems to be sending out signals that don’t match with their claimed sexual orientation. And now you’re wondering how anyone will ever be able to tell unless someone is rude enough to simply walk up to the guy and ask him if he’s gay.

Luckily, I have developed a better way.

Through the miracle of science and CafePress, I have invented a method that will now and forever answer the age old question of a mans sexual orientation without the embarrassment one would face by actually asking. Quite simply, by using what I have been so clever to invent no one will ever question a man’s sexual orientation ever again. So, without further ado, I introduce to you The Wearable Gaydar Validators!

The Flaming Tee and the Manly-Man Tee!

So, if you or someone you know is a very effeminate but heterosexual man, they should buy (or you should purchase for them) the Manly-Man Tee. If they are a very masculine seeming gay man, they should buy (or, again, you should purchase for them) The Flaming Tee. Buy as many as you can afford, because it is up to you to help end the plight of all the mis-categorized men the world over. These poor, unfortunate guys are unable to fend for themselves and need your help to survive in the cutthroat world of the modern dating scene. Without these shirts, men the world over might spend the rest of their lives in their clean, minimalist and impeccably furnished apartments, or sitting in front of a TV on a stained black leather couch while eating pizza out of the cardboard box, wondering why they just can’t find their soulmate.

And that would be sad.

Danger! Danger! Danger!

I thought he was brilliant.

For those of you who don’t know yet, Steve Irwin – The Crocodile Hunter, died over the weekend when a stingray stabbed him through the heart with its poisonous, barbed tail. According to the investigators Steve wasn’t doing anything to antagonize the stingray, which is weird because I’ve swam with stingrays myself and even though there was a large group of humans taking their picture and touching them as they swam by they never seemed to be upset enough to stab someone through the heart. But then again, the investigators have the actual footage that was being shot that day which shows the whole gruesome thing, so I guess they would know.

I wonder if Steve said “Danger, danger!” before he got stabbed.

I remember the first time I ever saw him on TV. He was slogging through the mud somewhere in the middle of Australia looking for a monster croc that he needed to capture and relocate further away from a small town. His over-the-top Australianishness made me burst out laughing almost immediately and when he did finally find the croc I began screaming at the TV for him to run the heck away!

The thing was fricking HUGE!

But to my utter amazement, armed with nothing more than a sturdy rope and a bath towel, Steve not only captured the croc, he did it without getting hurt in the slightest. From that moment on I was a fan and since then I’ve watched almost everything he’s done. And yes, that even includes his stupendously bad movie, Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course.

Ew. Just thinking about that movie makes me want to puke.

I’ve watched in amazement as Steve would pick up some of the most poisonous snakes in the world with no protection but a pair of cheap sunglasses. I saw the time a giant croc attacked and destroyed Steve’s lawnmower while Steve was trying to mow the grass in its pen at Steve’s Australian zoo. I’ve watched Steve save some crocs and other animals from mistreatment, and ultimately death, at a horrible, horrible Philippine zoo. I’ve seen him swim with sharks, hold a scorpion in his hands and even wave his tiny newborn baby over a crocs head and every time I held my breath thinking that this time he would go too far. That this was the moment he would get hurt or maimed or even die.

But he always proved me wrong.

Steve never really pushed too far; he tried not to ever antagonized or deliberately upset an animal. And, after watching his shows for a little while, I began to understand that his overacting was what made everything he was doing seem so dangerous, and not the animals. It was him and his crew that were in control of the situation and any time they felt it was getting out of control, or that the animals were becoming annoyed, they simply backed off and left the animals alone. Which makes it even more amazingly sad to me that it wasn’t a giant croc, or a poisonous snake, or even a shark that finally did Steve in, it was just a pissed off stingray with really good aim.

I really thought Steve would wind up croc food one day. Go figure.

Anywaste, Steve was a good man who made learning about animals really fun and exciting for me and for that I salute him. Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie! Oi, oi, oi!

Crikey, I’m going to miss him.

What Happened To GeekMan?

Wow, have I been busy.

Many things have conspired this week to keep me from you, my loyal minions. Doctor appointments, new websites, family members in trouble, social gatherings and even the finale of Who Wants To Be A Super Hero, have all done their best to keep me from writing here, but fear not! They have all failed and I am still here for you!

What do you mean you’re all on vacation today?

Well, in the off chance that someone out there checks this website sometime during this holiday weekend let me just say, “You suck.” Not one person wrote to me this week to find out if I was ok, or to offer their help with my WordPress woes, or even just to say hi. And this saddens me. It makes me sad because it means that my readers who I know check this site regularly for updates, are a bunch of heartless, uncaring, Bread-worshipping, poopy-heads.

Yeah, I’m looking at you too, Jules.

Sigh. Well I guess that’s too be expected, what with my on again, off again Blogging schedule of late. In my defense it is summertime and I’ve been doing other things with my time during these hot summer months, but I know you don’t care. You just want me to bring on the funny, don’t you? To you I’m just a clown, a fricking comedian who is only here on the earth to bring a little humor to your day. OK, then. I’ve got your humor, jackhole.

I’ve got it right here!

Take that! Ha!

Huh? What do you mean, “It looks like you’re holding a broken pencil?!” I’m insulting you by holding my crotch, stupid. Aren’t you insulted? What was that? A pencil’s eraser?! Hey! You’re not supposed to insult me! I’m insulting you with my gangsta pose and attitude!

Uhm… beyatch.

…

Oh crap. Now I think I’m going to cry.

Pressed For Words

I’m starting a new PhotoBlog.

Wow, just writing that for the entire world to see is exciting in a “major loser coming out of the nerd-boy closet” kind of way. I’m actually tingling all over in awe of my own Geekiness. And right this very second, as I type these words out, I’m smiling in a cheesy consolation-prize-winning-game-show-contestant way. I could be wrong, but I also think my nipples are hard.

Yep. Hard like little, hot, pink diamonds.

Anywaste, in order to do this new site justice, I’ve gone out and designed a brand new website, complete with its own URL and all the other Geeky stuff that you don’t really care about. However, since I didn’t want to use MovableType as the main Blogging tool for this new PhotoBlog, I decided to give WordPress a try and installed it on this new site of mine.

Because I’m so cutting edge like that, yo.

Now, here’s the thing. I don’t know diddly about WordPress. I’ve read all the info on it and it seems pretty straight-forward when it comes to designing templates and themes and everything, but I can’t seem to wrap my tired mind around the conceptual discussions about WordPress themes that I’m reading on the web. Which is basically my way of saying that I understand, in theory, what I’m supposed to do to make WordPress look the way I want, but I don’t seem to be able to implement the design properly in practice.

Which is where YOU come in.

I’m looking for someone who can explain to me by example how to make my PhotoBlog design into a WordPress theme so that I can then create other themes in the future. I’m not looking for a tutorial about WordPress themes on the web (read them), or for a technical jargon infused dissertation about how the guts of WordPress works (read those, too). I just want someone who can look at my design and then explain to me, through email and/or IM sessions, how to take that design and make it into a WordPress theme, without my having to learn PHP. I want to learn how to create WP themes so that I can make them available for EVERYONE to use whether they understand the inner workings of WordPress, PHP, HTML, CSS or not.

I know people are doing this, I just need to learn how.

And, as a reward for helping me learn the proper way to create WP themes, I would then create for you a WP theme for your Blog. That’s right, help me and I’ll try to make your site look pretty… or prettier. Or not so Blogger-template ugly. Whatever. Hey, it’s a free site redesign by a guy who makes a nice living doing graphic design work for big companies. Who knows? You might even like the new design enough to use it! So, if you’re interested in giving me a hand please email me at geekman(at-symbol)themightygeek.com.

So, who wants to help me out?

Easy Days

I’m being lazy today.

I’m just sitting around the house, playing Halo, surfing the web and napping. All in all, a completely lazy in a good way day. So, instead of writing another long, convoluted story here today I thought I might just ask you a question instead. And you can answer in the comments if you want. Or just ignore me and click over to something you find more entertaining. So, since I want to get back to playing Halo ASAP, here is the Mighty Question of the Day.

What is the dumbest lie you ever tried to get away with telling?