One Of The Heroes

I’m on TV again.

Yesterday, HoBiscuit and I were part of the live studio audience watching a taping of the Colbert Report. We were lucky enough to get seats right in the front row and I even got to give Stephen a high-five twice while he was mugging for the crowd.

Oh, happy day.

When we were shown our seats I happened to notice that a couple of rows behind us in the audience was the plush, leather chair that Stephen had been “saving” for soon-to-be ex-Senator Joe Lieberman. This discovery caused butterflies to gather in my stomach because I knew that I had a very good chance of getting on TV if they showed a wide angle audience shot of the chair during the show. Now, it wasn’t the thought of being on TV that made the butterflies swarm, but rather the knowledge that not knowing I might actually be on TV that morning I happened to have dressed for comfort instead of dressing as if I were going to a job interview.

So of course I’m in the shot.

Which means that I am now forever immortalized as “That Guy On The Colbert Report Who Dressed Like A Retarded, Color-Blind Golfer.” Let this be a lesson to you, boys and girls. If you’re going to leave the house, for any reason whatsoever, always, always dress as if you’re going to interview for a job as the new CEO of Berkshire Hathaway. In fact, today I’m going to my local Men’s Warehouse and ordering 8 fancy suits for myself. Why 8? One for every day of the week and a spare, of course!

I’m gonna like the way I look, they guarantee it.

For those who watched the Colbert Report last night, you might have seen me on the lower right-hand side of your TV set at the very beginning of the audience sweep to Lieberman’s chair. I’m looking off camera (to your right, my left) at Stephen who was very funny even off camera. He’s also taller than HoBiscuit thought he would be, which makes it easier to understand why she has such a crush on him. It might also help explain why she handed me divorce papers right after the show citing my “irrefutably inferior breeding stock,” the “obvious fact that the plaintiff should be with a real man with huge balls like Stephen Colbert instead of a pathetic, balless Geek like the defendant” and also the “impossibility of continuing the farce of pretending to be in love with someone as undeniably stupid as the defendant no matter how much he pays.” Plus, she claims my account is in arrears.

But hey, I’m on TV!