Oh Boy

Have I got a weekend full of stories to share with you!

This Saturday I helped my in-laws throw a garage sale which, contrary to all common sense, they decided NOT to advertise in the local papers. Then, just to tease the gods of fate even more, they only posted ONE sign for passing cars to see and so entice them to come and buy things at the garage sale. Where did they post the sign, you ask?

Would you believe on the corner of a dead end street?!

But enough about the Great Garage Fiasco of ’04, let’s move on to the Hilariously Shameful Car Ride of ’04. On Sunday I went to a family barbecue where I needed to drive 2 hours to the middle of nowhere Long Island with my grandma and grandpa, who have not gone that long without a bathroom break in about six years. As we’re driving up there my grandpa kept up a constant barrage of complaints that were broken only by his attempts to dislodge the world’s largest clump of phlegm from deep down in his gullet. It was the sound I imagine a sick dog coughing up a wet cat coughing up a giant hairball would make.

No, I take that back. This sound was wetter.

At one point grandpa stopped complaining long enough to toss out this little gem that will live with me forever, “You know, I’m only talking to keep myself alive.” I laughed so hard I cried, and then I laughed some more. The barbeque was wonderful, but it was the ride home I was dreading, and for good reason. On the way home, poor grandpa couldn’t hold his water for the whole trip and thus commanded my grandmother to hand him “The Cup”.

Oh yeah, he did. And my car has leather seats.

So, here I am barreling down the Long Island Expressway at 85mph and in my head is the following prayer;

Oh, Lords of Sky and Earth, please hear my plea. Let the road be smooth and his aim be true because if he misses and pees on my car I’m going to kill him.

So, of course, we hit a bump.

Grandpa:
“Whoa! Wow, I didn’t see that one coming.”

GeekMan:
“Oh, no. Please god, no…”

Grandpa:
“Oh boy, that’s warm. Wow, I don’t think my pants have been this wet since I was a baby.”

Grandma:
“Shut up! You don’t have to say anything! They wouldn’t know if you kept your big mouth shut!”

Grandpa:
“What? You think they won’t smell it when it’s all over the back of HoBiscuit’s seat?”

HoBiscuit:
“Oh, no. Please god, no…”

Grandma:
“Shut up, you idiot! I would have wiped it off before they knew! You and your big mouth!”

Grandpa:
“I don’t hide my mistakes! How can I when I’m seen in public with you?!”

Grandma:
“You drive me crazy. Why haven’t you put that thing away yet?”

Grandpa:
“I think I’ve got to go again. Give me back The Cup.”

Grandma:
“With how you treat me, it would serve you right if I just let you piss yourself…”

GeekMan & HoBiscuit:
“Give him the cup! GIVE HIM THE CUP!!!”

Everyone:
“…”

Grandpa:
“Oh boy, that’s warm…”