Of Reunions and Weddings

My family is insane.

No. You don’t understand. Each and every member of my family should be strapped down to a bed in a white padded room under constant, fully armed observation at a mental institution. Then they should be heavily medicated to the point where they are unable to do anything but drool, which would necessitate the use of anti-tongue-swallowing mouth guards and Depends adult diapers. You may think your family is crazy, but my family will take on all comers in a Cage of Rage Worldwide Wrestling Federation Family Smackdown. We’ll even let you have the breakaway chairs.

It’s a matter of pride for us, be-yeetch.

This year my trip to the Fright Fantastic that I call a ‘reunion’ was for the celebration of my Grandpa’s one-millionth birthday. Now, my Grandma and Grandpa are lovable, sweet and charming people but they are quite insane. They’ve been married for about 1,000 years and are constantly bickering over everything and anything ever read, seen, heard, spoken of, listened to, done together, done apart, invented or discovered since someone said, “Let there be Light”. Grandma and Grandpa are always easy to find at any gathering because they’re usually shouting each other’s name loud enough to register on the Richter scale. This is usually followed by some amazingly quick, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it argument like the following gem;

“Where’s my glasses?”

“How should I know!”

“You should know! They were right here!”

“Idiot! They’re on your head!”

“Oh. Who put my glasses on my head?”

“Your Grandfather, he’s driving me crazy!”

“Your Grandmother, she’s driven me crazy!”

On another note, I’m headed to Massachusetts for a wedding this weekend so the Candlelight Vigil pictures will have to wait until I get back. I know you’re heartbroken but try to hold back the tears for a few days, ok? The people getting married are friends of HoBiscuit my girlfriend and I don’t know them very well, but that doesn’t really matter since this is all just one big excuse for me to go fishing.

That’s right, The Mighty Geek likes to fish.

Well, actually I don’t just like fishing, I love it, which is really strange since I hate fish. Fish smell, they’re slimey, they’re ugly and they always look so reproachful when they’re sitting on your plate. It’s like they can’t believe anyone would ever do something so barbaric as rip off their scales, hold them over an open flame, cover them with white sauce and eat them. Their big, film-covered eyes searching your soul for a shred of pity as you sit there salivating. Gaping, open mouths frozen in a silent scream of agony while you carefully remove all of their teeny, tiny bones so you don’t choke.

Now doesn’t that sound just yummy?

I just like to catch fish. There’s something about sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean or a lake or stream catching fish that I just really, truly enjoy. It’s not only the sport of catching them that I like either because throwing them back afterwards can be even more fun than catching them. It’s not for any humane reasons that I like throwing them back. Quite the opposite since I actually feel like I’m messing with their tiny, fishy minds. Can you imagine what it must be like for the fish to be captured, photographed and released? It must be similar to what an abductee feels like after being dropped back on earth. Try to picture the conversation (if fish actually talk to each other) the fish would have when he gets back to his school and tries to tell all his friends what happened.

“Dave! You’ll never believe what just happened to me! I was abducted by an alien!”

“Sure, Frank. Have you been drinking the fresh water again?”

“No! Dave I’m telling you I was abducted by an Unidentified Floating Object! One minute I’m trying to eat this delicious looking fluorescent yellow worm and the next I’m being pulled by some unseen force into the sky! There were these huge alien creatures that performed strange and painful experiments on me. They stuck sharp metal objects into me, they flashed bright lights at me, they measured and weighed me and then they put me back here! And the whole time I was with them I couldn’t even breathe!”

“Right, Frank. And where’s this UFO now?”

“Well, uh, I can’t remember. We fish don’t have a good memory, y’know.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oooo! Look over there! A delicious looking fluorescent yellow worm!”

“I call dibs!”

Hey, everyone needs a hobby.