New Arrival

“Hey Bub, ain’t you gonna introduce me?”

Looking over at Bread, I realized that I had been sitting on the floor staring off into space for about four hours without saying a word. Snapping back to reality caused me an almost physical pain, especially when said reality included a slimy piece of moldy toast peeking over my shoulder and insistently tugging on my shirt.

“Bread, you… ah, you might want to sit down for this.”
“What’re ya talking about, Bub? Why would I need ta sit down just to meet this loser?”

Wiping the drool from my face, I gave my new friend a quick gesture for him to keep his silence and I pulled Bread over to the side. Luckily, our new guest had noticed another member of the family and was busy giving her his best smoldering gaze of predatory lust.

Interestingly enough, she seemed to be enjoying it.

“Bread, listen. I wanted to tell you earlier, but you disappeared on me and I couldn’t seem to contact you on your cell phone.”
“Well, Bub. Since you wuz having all the trouble with your kitchen and all, I thought it would be a good thing for me to skedaddle until the whole thing blew over, y’know?”

He must have seen the disbelief in my eyes because he looked down at the ground and became a little sheepish when he next opened his mouth.

“Well, I also was laying low after the whole Grouting The Underwear fiasco…”
“I still can’t believe you put grout, and GREY grout at that, in HoBiscuits underwear. What were you thinking?”
“Listen, Bub. After your whole post about having holey underwear I just thought I would be helping you out. And it’s not my fault if Her and your underwear looks the same! I mean, ain’t ladies supposed to wear sexy thongs and such?”
“Wherever would you get that idea?”
“Uh… PlayButter?”

I put my head in my hands and groaned.

“But that’s neither here nor there, Bub. Wassup with this new guy?”
“Bread…”
“Yeah, Bub?”

I knew this was going to hurt him, and even though part of me relished the idea of causing Bread pain, another, larger, part had grown to almost like him. And that made what I had to say all the harder to do.

“Bread, there’s no easy way to say this, but… That’s Miss Ex-Boxx’s future husband.”

For the first time ever, Bread lost his toasty-brown coloring and went white from shock.

“But, but… but…”
“I know this is hard for you, especially seeing as how you and she were getting a little close, but she told me she wanted to date within her species and…”

Bread turned away from the pair of game machines and looked up at me.

“Bub, I’m trying to understand and all, but a couple of things bug me.”

Giving him my full attention and a look of sympathy, I asked;

“Like what, Bread?”
“First of all, I thought all of those machines were girls.”
“Well, he’s been… modified.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. And apparently when they get modified they go from female to male. I don’t really understand it myself but I think it has something to do with getting a 250GB hard drive and a few thousand games pre-installed that makes them all masculine and suave, y’know?”
“Right. I can see that.”

Following Bread’s gaze I saw our newest guest sitting next to Miss Ex-Boxx whispering something in her ear that was making her blush and giggle like a teenager on her first date. He was also stroking her Ethernet port.

“Hey! I’ll have none of that in my house, do you two understand me?! I know you guys like each other, and you want to get to know each other better, but I will NOT have the two of you Connecting until AFTER I’ve made sure you, and I’m looking at YOU Mister, are in proper working order. Do you understand me?”

They both sheepishly mumbled something that sounded vaguely affirmative so I let it go and turned back to Bread. He was pretending that there was something in his eye, but we both knew there wasn’t. I felt myself actually feeling sorry for him.

“Ok Bub, I get the picture. It’s alright though, I’ll live. Plenty of fish in the sea, y’know?”
“I know buddy. I know.”
“Don’t never tell her I got this way over her or I’ll kill you, capeesh?”
“Sure. Will you be alright?”
“Give me a second…”
“Would it help make you feel better if I told you he came with Halo pre-installed?”

That did the trick.

“What?! He’s got the best fricking game in the whole fricking on his fricking hard-drive?! For real?”
“Oh yeah! And the best part is, we can hook them together and play against each other in separate rooms!”
“Holy crap, I am SO going to kick your anus!”
“Well then, let me introduce you to Mr. ModChip and we can get started!”

Smiling wide, we both turned to welcome him to the family.