Nanotechnology Saves The World

And no, this doesn’t have anything to do with curing cancer.

Don’t get me wrong, curing cancer (or The Cancer, as my grandparents call it) is probably the noblest reason for creating nanotechnology one could ever ask for. Using tiny, microscopic robots to attack and destroy anything is super-freaky cool in and of itself. But having a one nanometer tall Techno-Godzilla beating the crap out of a cancer cell in your colon would be so cool that I think they should film it for a new Fox TV series called, ‘Micro Monster Deathmatch: LIVE!’. Ha! Imagine tiny, humanoid cancer cells pointing at the sky and screaming in fear as they run from their burning Cancer City before the might of the NanoMonsters.

“Godzirrah! Godzirrah! AHHhhhh!!!”

Anywaste, although disease-fighting Godzilloids would be great, that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about today. Because, even though NanoMonsters curing diseases would be awesome, I truly believe it will actually take a very long time before nanotechnology and biology are able to cure, or even begin to combat, the many ailments of the human body.

And that brings me to my (dull) point.

I believe that we should all have Godzilloids injected into us the moment they are invented if, and only if, they are able to perfectly emulate diseases, ailments or even ‘normal’ human bodily discomforts without actually being deadly to the human host. Because, of course, I don’t really want to kill people with this stuff. I just want to torture them for a little while, is all.

Death bad. Torture… not quite as bad. I guess.

Hey! You know what? I was just thinking back on my earlier point about NanoMonsters and was thinking that we could get even more creative with these guys. We could even make a NanoKong, or even a NanoVoltron where five lion-like NanoMonsters combine to fight ever more deadly diseases, like AIDS or MonkeyPox! They could even have a Sword of Medicine with which to deliver the final blow that dispatches the Uber-disease cell! And the NanoVoltron could live in a NanoCastle with a NanoMoat and…

Hey, where are you going?

Wait, don’t leave. Just stay with me on this and I promise you, you’ll be nodding your head in agreement in no time. Seriously! Where are you going? Come back! Trust me, this is good!

[door slamming]

…

Fine. I’ll just talk to this here plant and pretend someone out there cares about the things I say. Who needs you? Not me, that’s who.

Jackhole.

As I was saying, imagine the possibilities plant… uh, I mean ‘people’. Godzilloids running amok in your body, lying dormant until one day you open your mouth and say something so stupid, so completely asinine, that your significant other feels fully justified in reaching over to the remote control, dialing in ‘Menstrual Cramps’, and watching you convulse on the floor in anguish for the next 7 days.

See, the women are smiling now.

You might be wondering, “How did he ever come up with such a clever idea?” Or, “What great cosmic event transpired to cause the Muse of Inspiration to smack GeekMan so hard with her WiffleBall Bat of Cleverness-ness that he would dream the impossible dream?”

Well, I’m very glad you asked my leafy friend. Very glad, indeed

Imagine that you’re out shopping with your wife-to-be on a beautiful, late summer’s day when suddenly you have a severe and powerful allergy attack. As you stand on a crowded street corner sneezing up your left nut as your eyes simultaneously become as dry and coarse as desert sand while tearing up like Niagara Falls during a monsoon, you turn to your lovely, caring, and understanding fiancé with a look of pure agony on your face and a pleading look for help in your bloodshot eyes.

And about a foot of goopy snot dripping from your nose.

Expecting to see a look of concern from her, or at least a sympathetic frown, you are completely taken aback by the anger and frustration you find there instead. As she violently hands you a tissue from her bag, you manage to find the strength to ask her why she’s so angry when it’s you who are suffering so. Throwing up her hands in disgust, she manages to sum up her thoughts about allergies and allergy sufferers in one heartless moment.

“This allergy crap is just ruining my day! I don’t understand you people! It’s a fricking beautiful day! It’s just a little sneezing, for Pete’s sake! It’s all in your mind! Just suck it up and be a man, already. It’s just stupid allergies, you pansy! It’s not like your really sick or anything, you know?!”

Shhhhh… If you listen closely, you can almost hear my remote-controlled Godzilloids roaring with battle-lust as they invade her sinuses. Take that Miss Beautiful Day. Ha! Just some stupid allergies, huh? Suck it up, hmmm?

Feel the wrath of my Godzilloids, bee-yatch. Feel. The. Wrath.