Lump

I checked into my hotel room at 11pm.

Doesn’t sound ominous, does it? If I were in a movie however, that sentence would be accompanied by an extreme close-up of my frightened eyes and some scary music because what happened to me when I opened my hotel room door was very scary indeed.

I saw a man in my room.

That in and of itself is usually a little scary because, you know, finding a stranger in a room you thought would be empty can be a disconcerting to almost anyone. But it wasn’t just that I saw someone in my room when I thought it would be empty that sent me screaming from that wretched place, vomiting up my own bile-covered lower intestines in disgust. No. It wasn’t even the fact that said man was overweight and out of shape. Nope. It wasn’t even that he happened to be asleep, snoring like a rusty chainsaw on the only bed in the room, completely covered in sweaty body hair and nothing else that caused my eyes to spontaneously burst of their own accord like giant, overripe, festering boils. What was it then, that caused such a violent reaction from moi, The Mighty Geek?

The fat, ugly naked man was sleeping on top of the hotel bedspread!

Oh god, just writing this for you is conjuring images in my mind that are close to overpowering my gag reflex. I should have doused the poor man in gasoline and set him ablaze to put him out of my his misery. Obviously the poor man was mentally impaired, or emotionally unstable, to have even touched one of those wretched, disease infected things and I would have been doing the world a favor by removing him from the gene pool. Instead, I quickly closed the door, went back down to the front desk and asked for another room. When the attendant asked me what was wrong with my current room we had the following conversation;

Hotel Clerk:
“I’m terribly sorry sir, but the computer says the room is unoccupied. Are you sure there was someone already in that room?”
GeekMan:
“Well, miss. Either there was someone in there already, or this hotel has a massive roach problem. Which one would you prefer it to be when I write about my stay here on the internet?”
Hotel Clerk:
“I see. Allow me to give you one of our suites to compensate you for the inconvenience of finding another human being already occupying your room.”
GeekMan:
“That’s what I’m talking about.”

See people? With the right motivation, communicating with lower life forms is possible!