Keep behind me. There’s no sense in getting killed by a plant.

Here at Nerd Central there are a few things that we do very well. Then there are those that we avoid like the plague. (We don’t really avoid the plague. It’s just that it never has nice things to say when it visits, so we don’t call it over for dinner like we used to.)

Anyway, one of those things is yard work. Yes, it’s true. I suck at yard work. I suck so bad that the kids in the neighborhood are calling me Sucky McYardsuck. I just don’t appreciate the finer points of ripping plant life out of its nice warm bed just so another one can take its spot. The lawn mower is too loud and gives me a headache. The pool stays green no matter how many thousands of dollars of toxic chemicals I put into it. And did I mention that there are vicious animals like ants and mosquitoes and frogs out there? *shudder*

Well, thanks to the mess our good friend Charley made, we have no choice. God smote our fence so the neighbors could see our crappy yard. God’s like my mother sitting up there going, “You can’t let your neighbors see this mess! What’s next? A ’64 Chevy up on blocks? I’ve let you get away with this for too long. Get out there and clean things up this instant, young man, or I’ll turn off your cable modem for good!”

So, this was week two of Project Love Canal, and I am happy to report that things are shaping up nicely. We’ll soon be able to go into the back yard with the kind of confidence reserved for those who don’t have giant, mutant vine monsters, ready to wrap their spiney tentacles around their throats, constantly lurking just outside their door and waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting victim who just wanted to see why the busty cheerleader chick and the football captain hadn’t come back inside after we told them we should all stick together when we found out the fricking phone lines were cut!

It’s not so bad, really. Since I had the good fortune to marry into brains, my spouse suggested that we do it in small chunks, just an hour or two every Saturday morning. In no time at all, we shall have a yard that makes all the girls come over with milkshakes. Or something like that.