Interview – The Beginning

JadedJu:
Hello everyone, my name is JadedJu and I’m delighted to be here today with GeekMan of The Mighty Geek. In case you’re not familiar with Mr. GeekMan, he’s a man of a thousand funny posts and an infamous New York City gadabout. After many years of elusiveness, GeekMan has agreed to allow me to ask him a few probing questions in order to allow his readership some new insight into exactly what it is that makes him tick. He has generously agreed that no topic is out of bounds, so we’re hoping today to finally learn the truth behind the many internet rumors that seem to swirl around him. So, let’s begin.

Welcome Mr. GeekMan! And thank you so very much for making time for me today. Your readers are looking forward to this, I’m sure. I think that it’s important that we start off with some basics about you, so please tell us where you were born and a little bit about what your childhood was like.

GeekMan:
Well, I would love to be able to answer that question for you, but I need to take care of a little something before we begin or else there will be… repercussions.

[He quickly scans the room as if expecting deadly mutant ninja’s to suddenly pop out of the woodwork. Finding none, he proceeds to remove his pants, inadvertently showing off his hairy buttocks and a hideous pair of leopard spotted thong underwear]

JadedJu:

[Furtively sneaking a peek over her notebook full of questions at GeekMan]

Well, GeekMan. Ahhh, gee…

[She collects herself, takes a deep breath, and continues]

Okay, Mr. Mighty Geek, as I was saying, could you tell us a bit about your childhood?

GeekMan:

[Holding up his index finger and waving it in front of Ju’s face in the classic ‘No’ motion, GeekMan looks angrily about as if JadedJu had committed a cardinal sin. Lightly placing his index finger across his lips he quietly, but angrily, makes the ‘shush’ noise. He then puts his pants on his head like a hat, tying the belt around his forehead to keep the pants in place. Folding his arms across his chest in satisfaction, he leans back in his chair and stares intently at JadedJu in expectation.]

JadedJu:

[Looking over at her producers for some indication as to how to proceed she is disappointed to find that they are offering her nothing but shrugs.]

Ahem. GeekMan, ah… I’m a bit baffled here. As far as I know you agreed to a simple interview today… Perhaps you’d rather start with another question? First though, while I’m reluctant to make you the least bit uncomfortable, I am forced to ask you about your pants. They seem to be on your head. Is there a reason for this?

GeekMan:

[GeekMan merely points to the pants on his head and winks. Getting nothing but a questioning look from JadedJu, he heaves a mighty sigh.]

Aren’t you going to put on your AMRH?

JadedJu:
I’m sorry, AMRH? I’m not familiar with that term.

GeekMan:
You’re kidding, right?

[At the blank look from JadedJu, GeekMan becomes agitated]

AMRH?! Your Anti-Mind Reading Hat! It was in the agreement form I sent to your people. I see you managed to meet all the other terms of agreement for this interview, so what the hell happened to the most important thing on that list, huh? I mean, I see the 47 unopened bottles of Perrier water, the sealed bag of only blue M&M’s, the form I need to fill out to receive a years subscription to Lustful Sexy Geriactic Amputee Monthly…

JadedJu:

[JadedJu again looks over at her producers, seeking confirmation, explanation, salvation, or anything helpful really. Again, all she gets is shrugs from them, and she realizes that she is on her own here]

Uh… Mr. GeekMan. Actually, I don’t think that there was anything in the contract about an AMRH, and it really is too late now to add it. Further, while I find myself quite curious about exactly what AMRH is and why I should care about it, I think that your readers will have noticed by now that you still have not answered even one single question. Are we going to be able to proceed?

GeekMan:
Of course we will, but you must understand that I simply cannot give an interview without an AMRH. What kind of idiot do you take me for? Come on! Everyone knows that the government has special satellites in orbit around the earth to spy on people who they feel might pose some kind of ‘threat’. And since I have the secret plans to build the Cormack Altriforce Inversion Device, which will reverse the polarity of tungsten causing a sudden surge in the tarsier monkey population and thus allowing me to overthrow the leaders of this plane of reality and take over the universe, I’m sure you can understand why they might think of me as dangerous! Why, I bet that if I weren’t wearing this AMRH they would have already sent their ‘wet’ operatives here to eighty-six me! Think woman, THINK!

JadedJu:
GeekMan, you’ve successfully shocked me. I admit that I was worried about you there for a second. I almost thought you were serious! But that part about the monkeys made me realize that you must be pulling my leg! You were pulling my leg, right? Right? Please, tell me you were kidding. Please?

GeekMan:
You just don’t get it, do you? Listen, we all know that the government has the ability to read minds, right? We can agree on that, can’t we? Huh?

JadedJu:
Agree on that? If I agree to it, would you be willing to answer just one question? Because I’m really trying to see things from your perspective and I… Well, wait. No. No, I simply can’t agree. This is completely ridiculous. Geekman, listen to yourself! There is no AMRH, and there is no Cormack Device! Please man, come to your senses!

GeekMan:
You’re not listening.

[He suddenly lunges forward and pokes JadedJu in the middle of her forehead with his index finger]

THINK! Everyone knows that the only way to block mind reading rays from space is to wear a tinfoil hat. The probes can’t penetrate tinfoil, see? The only problem with wearing tinfoil hats is that they’re so reflective. That makes it easy for the hitmen in Division 7 to find those of us who are in the know, you know? So I came up with a plan. I would line something with tinfoil that those bastards would never think to check. Hats are too easy; they have scanners for something so simplisticly obvious, so I thought about it and, viola!

[He points to the pants on his head]

The AMRH! They almost NEVER check pants! And now, as long as I’m wearing an AMRH, they can’t read my mind or even find me. To them, I’m invisible! I’m a llama-loving ghost! I’m telling you, the AMRH is fricking foolproof!

JadedJu:
Mr. GeekMan, that’s incredible. I mean, it’s incredible that you’ve given this much thought to something that is absolutely ridiculous!

[She pauses for a moment, and appears deep in thought. Suddenly her face alights. She pulls herself to the edge of her chair]

Listen GeekMan, the trouble is that it’s very difficult for us to record you for this interview when you’ve got the AMRH in place. It interferes with the microphones, or something. As I see it, we have two options here. We can reschedule this interview for another time, or you can remove the device and you can answer my original question. And in case you don’t recall, the VERY SIMPLE QUESTION was, “What was your childhood like?”

GeekMan:
Look, I’m trying to explain to you that I can’t answer your questions unless you wear your AMRH. It’s a simple fact of self-preservation. If you’re not wearing your AMRH then they can read your mind to find out what I’m doing, see? Now, if you don’t have your own AMRH just say so. I happen to have a spare you could borrow and then we could continue with this interview, ok?

JadedJu:
Ooookay. Sure, I’ll wear your spare hat. You’re saying that if I do that then we can finally get started?

[GeekMan nods vigorously]

Fine. Great. Pass the stupid ‘hat’.

GeekMan:
Wonderful! Just a sec while I get the spare off…

[He stands up and reaches for his leopard spotted thong]

JadedJu:
Oh my god! GeekMan! Please! What the HELL are you doing?

GeekMan:
Hey, don’t worry. It’s lined with tinfoil and so long as you keep the ‘cup’ part over your nose and mouth they won’t be able to read your mind. Oh, and if you’re worried about my personal hygene, don’t be. I went to the doctor last week and he gave me a couple of shots and some pills so that yellowish/green patch is almost all gone.

JadedJu:
That’s it! I can’t take it any more! Geekman, this interview is over! Well, technically, it has never begun. We will be demanding our blue M&M’s back, but that is it! I am OUT. OF. HERE.

GeekMan:
Hey! Wait! What about my magazine subscription?

JadedJu:
Consider it cancelled you freak!