Interview #3 – Analyze That Interview

[JadedJu and GeekMan are sitting many feet apart from each other in a room lined with tinfoil. The tinfoil has been painted upon in what appears to be a childish attempt to make it look like wallpaper. Both the GeekMan and JadedJu have a pair of pants tied on their heads, although JadedJu’s pants are clearly marked as “Made by Versace.”]

JadedJu:
Good morning. For reasons not even I, JadedJu, can fathom, I’m here to once again attempt an interview with GeekMan of The Mighty Geek. During elaborate all night negotiations we’ve been able to clear up the myriad misunderstandings, and mold, that were standing in the way of getting the information about GeekMan that you all crave. We will not be mentioning our previous meetings, no matter how much we may want to, for reasons that I am sure you will all understand.

With that said, let us waste not a minute more. Welcome Mr. Mighty Geek. Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with us again. Shall we begin by asking you something simple? Tell us about your first grade teacher and what you were like back then, would you?

GeekMan:
Ahem. I would be happy to, JadedJu. It’s funny, but my first grade teacher was actually a horrible harpy of a woman named Mrs. Gould. She and I had an immediate hate/hate relationship from the very first day of class when I was late for some reason I can’t remember now, and she decided I would have to bang the erasers for ten minutes to make up for my tardiness. It didn’t help that she insisted I do it while standing in front of the entire class reciting the alphabet… backwards. She was such a crabby old woman. I really hated her.

JadedJu:
Oh my god! That totally reminds me of my first grade teacher, Miss Elkin. There was this one time that I offered to hand out papers for her and she asked Peter to do it instead, and I was like, hey! Why not me? I totally don’t get what she had against me. I was smart, cute, and taller than the other kids and plus, why not like me? I mean, I was so loveable!

Ahem. Well, I guess we should get back to what we’re here about.

GeekMan, if I understand correctly, you’ve been able to make a career out of working with computers when so many others in the field have been losing their jobs. Tell us, what was it that got you involved in computers and what do you think makes you different?

[GeekMan opens his mouth to speak.]

Oh, wait, before you answer that – I just remembered another thing about Miss Elkin. She had the longest legs I’d ever seen! Really, really long legs. I used to stare at them for hours and hours and hours. Hmmmn. Maybe that’s why I’m a lesbian…

[A little taken aback by JadedJu’s sudden outburst, GeekMan hesitates for a moment to make sure she’s finished before continuing.]

GeekMan:
Right, well… about the computer question… I got into computers only after I had completely given up on my original career of choice; acting. In fact, before my first interview with a design company in Manhattan, I had never before even turned on a computer. So making a career out of working with them wasn’t even on my career radar.

JadedJu:
Acting?! That’s amazing because I totally love actors! What a complete coincidence! But of course that makes perfect sense if you think about it, because I always end up being drawn to actors. So were you in any shows I might have seen? Like Shakespeare, or Mama Mia, or anything cool like that?

[GeekMan stares at JadedJu as if she had three heads. After a moment of uncomfortable silence on his part, he slowly shakes his head, “no”.]

Oh, that’s a shame. I bet you would have been awesome in tights, uh… I meant in Shakespeare.

Yeah, that’s what I meant to say. Shakespeare.

Hmmm… so, where was I? Oh yeah, computers! Wait, I just thought of something else, so let me get back to computers in a sec… So, as I was saying, I really like actors. Even actors who never really acted in anything, but who are sexy and ‘actory’ in other ways. Geeky-er ways, you know? Don’t you find actors kind of sexy, too?

GeekMan:

[GeekMan appears to be completely lost now.]

Uh… some, I guess.

JadedJu:
Oh! And another thing, what’s your favorite movie? Do you wish that you were in any movies? Because I do! I mean, I don’t wish I were in a movie; I meant that I wished you were in some movies.

[JadedJu is slowly moving her chair closer and closer to GeekMan while they speak. She thinks no one’s noticed.]

GeekMan:

[Looking across the room at the one-way mirror that JadedJu’s producers are hiding behind, GeekMan raises an eyebrow in question. Seeing no response from the row of dummy panic lights along the bottom of the mirror, GeekMan turns back to JadedJu to answer her inane question. For her part, JadedJu is literally on the edge of her seat in anticipation of his response. Her fever-bright eyes staring at him so intently, one could almost feel her slowly undressing him in her mind.]

Uh, yeah. I guess I’ve thought about being in a movie before. I mean, who hasn’t? But I don’t recall ever wanting to be in a movie with anyone other than a famous movie star. You know, like Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie or that sexy girl from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. No, not Michelle Yeoh even though she is pretty hot. I’m talking about the other hot girl. The younger one. I think her name was Ziyi Zhang, or something. You know, she was also in Rush Hour 2? Man, she’s sooooo hot! H. O. T. HOT!

[GeekMan begins to breathe a little faster as he stares off into space with a lecherous smile on his face. After a moment his forehead begins to glisten with sweat.]

JadedJu:
Yeah, Angelina and Salma are beautiful, I guess. But don’t you find that, when you think about it, it’s inner beauty that really matters?

[JadedJu’s eyes well up a bit with tears. She pulls down one of the legs of the Versace pants from her head and uses it as a tissue to dab at her eyes and noisily blow her nose.]

I mean, you know… Hollywood beauties and all that. They just set up such a ridiculous standard of beauty that no one can ever live up to, no matter how many times they try pre- and post-meal ‘purging’.

[JadedJu peers down at her stomach for a second and then surreptitiously feels her breasts.]

I mean, my god, no one could have a stomach like that, so flat and perfect, without starving themselves! And those breasts! Those big, fake breasts! Who wants fake breasts? I honestly think mine are really a whole lot better, don’t you? Though, I guess I have thought about getting a boob job every now and again. But then I realized that it might hurt, and I really don’t have the patience for the recovery time. So I thought, well, isn’t natural better anyway? I mean, I prefer natural, so wouldn’t GeekMa…

oh, wait. I, ahem, got a little off track there. Next question!

So, GeekMan, tell us if you would, how do you spend a typical day?

GeekMan:

[Not quite sure what to make of JadedJu’s little faux pas, GeekMan valiantly ignores it and continues. Even though he does keep one hand resting firmly on his chairs’ panic button, which was a prerequisite of the interview.]

Well… I usually spend my day sitting in front of the computer. I’m often working on web designs, playing in PhotoShop, writing or some other Geeky thing. Sometimes I eat, if I remember, and every Tuesday and Thursday I allow myself 3.6 hours of sleep…

JadedJu:
Listen, GeekMan, maybe what I’m really asking here is; whom would you like to spend your day with? I mean, what are you thinking about during your day? You know, like who is it that you wish you could get to know a little better? Isn’t there anyone you really, maybe even secretly, want to spend more time with?

GeekMan:

[GeekMan appears to be getting a little frightened now.]

Well, uh… not really…

JadedJu:

[JadedJu scootches her chair a little closer to GeekMan.]

Isn’t there someone you’ve been wondering about? Someone who lives in California, maybe? A Jewish someone, maybe? Maybe a Jewish girl from California who’s really interested in the arts? One who just loves wanna-be actors and geeks? Someone to whom you could teach everything you know about computers and writing and sexual positions and stuff? You know, just a really nice girl who’s maybe a little jaded, but not too much really?

[Big sigh.]

I mean, not that I care, but as a reporter I feel I have to ask these important questions. You know?

[By this time JadedJu has managed to scootch her chair completely across the room until it is less than an inch away from GeekMan’s chair. As she finishes her very loaded question, she reaches out and gently places her hand on GeekMan’s leg. It’s obviously no accident when it comes to rest barely an inch away from his crotch.]

GeekMan:
Jumping llamas on a jelly-covered pogo stick! What the heck are you doing, JadedJu?! What kind of questions are these, anyway?

[Leaping out of his chair, GeekMan grabs the notes from JadedJu’s hands and begins looking at them.]

JadedJu:
Give me back those notes! GeekMan, don’t look at those notes! That’s my very personal research about you! Don’t look at them! Please!

[Flailing about, JadedJu tries to grab the notes back from GeekMan, although it’s not clear if she isn’t also trying to hug him and rub up against him at the same time.]

GeekMan, don’t ruin our relationship this way! Give me the notes! NNNnnnooooo!!!

GeekMan:

[During the struggle, GeekMan manages to show the ‘notes’ to the hidden cameras where it is revealed that the cards consist of nothing but “JadedJu (little heart) The Mighty Geek”, “Mrs. Jaded MightyGeek”, “The Jaded Mighty GeekMan”, “The families of JadedJu and GeekMan are proud to announce the wedding of…” There appear to be enough little hearts on the pages to make even the Wichitowa Elementary School For Girls’ Justin Timberlake fan club vomit in disgust. And every card repeatedly has the words “NOTE TO SELF: KILL HOBISCUIT!” in bold red crayon.]

This is incredible! You call these things interview notes?! What are you, some kind of psychotic internet stalker, or something?

JadedJu:

[JadedJu collapses into her chair.]

You’ve ruined everything now! If you had just left the notes alone! All I wanted was a little bit of love, is that so wrong? GeekMan, please, forget what you saw!

[Sobbing, JadedJu rips off her AMRH “hat” and throws it at GeekMan.]

Oh, what’s the use? I guess you’ll never love me now. Oh, go back to that stupid HoBiscuit! See if I care! You’ll be sorry! I was going to make you famous in these interviews GeekMan! But you’ve ruined everything. Everything. Go. Go now, and I’ll leave you alone. Go. I’ll just be here, alone… with my memories of you…

[As a very confused GeekMan gets up from his seat, JadedJu presses a button on her chair and the ending theme to the TV show ‘The Incredible Hulk’ begins playing. Shaking his head in disbelief, GeekMan leaves the room with a despondent and tearfully sobbing JadedJu staring after him. She is in the classic ‘farewell’ pose, leaning forward slightly with one hand outstretched as if to call him back. As the door closes behind him, JadedJu presses another button and ‘Memories’ from the hit Broadway musical ‘Cats’ begin playing. All the lights in the room dim except for a single spotlight above her chair.]

[And as the music plays, JadedJu weeps.]