JadedJu:
Welcome back.
Many of you were with us yesterday as I, JadedJu, attempted to interview GeekMan of The Mighty Geek. As you may recall, due to what we are now going to characterize as a “misunderstanding”, we were unable to proceed with any of our questions. This was particularly disappointing given that GeekMan’s fans had hoped to finally learn exactly what it is that makes the Geekman so lovable. Initially, I was reluctant to attempt another interview, as it seemed possible that GeekMan had experienced some sort of permanent break with reality yesterday.
However, after considerable negotiation, we have both agreed to sit down again and talk. This time, in order to assist us with understanding each other, we’ve agreed to have a neutral mediator present. Some of you may already know Bread. He has consistently demonstrated that he has a unique sensitivity to the “interesting” mind of the Mighty Geek, making him the perfect choice for the role of mediator.
We have agreed to meet here, at a location unfamiliar to all of us, in order to ensure the neutrality of the proceedings. There are emergency technicians standing by, should there be any need of help. We expect the GeekMan and Bread to arrive in the limousine that we sent at any moment.
[GeekMan enters the room wearing extremely tight purple pants and a shredded wife-beater t-shirt, and his face and hands have been colored green with what appears to have been a very cheap, water-based magic marker. He’s also not wearing any shoes. In his left hand he is carrying a rotten, mold covered piece of bread on a stick. There is a single Muppet-like, wiggly eyeball scotch-taped to the front of the piece of bread, which also has a tiny “Hi, my name is Bread” label stuck to it. GeekMan and the moldy piece of bread on a stick appear to be in a heated argument.]
GeekMan:
Bread not listen to GeekMan. GeekMan no want talk to Jade Lady. GeekMan want play Halo!
[GeekMan looks directly at the moldy piece of bread on a stick as if listening intently]
Fine! Bread want M&Ms, then Bread talk to Jade Lady. GeekMan not care!
[GeekMan sits down in the chair in a huff and holds the stick of bread out in front of him, waving it in JadedJu’s direction as if he were warding off a vampire.]
JadedJu:
[Jadedju backs her seat up so far that she is momentarily out of view of the hidden cameras. Then, using her feet, she pushes herself back towards GeekMan while making an obvious effort to compose herself.]
GeekMan, you funny joker! Where’s Bread? I thought that you two were coming together?
GeekMan:
GeekMan did come with Bread. Is Jade Lady blind?
[Looking intently at the bread on a stick, GeekMan suddenly chuckles]
Of course! Jade Lady sees Bread! Bread is right here!
[GeekMan waves the moldy piece of bread on a stick.]
Jade Lady make fun of Bread! Jade Lady pretend Bread not here. That make Bread angry. When Bread angry, GeekMan happy! GeekMan like Jade Lady who make fun of Bread. Maybe GeekMan do interview-thing with her after all.
JadedJu:
Aaaahhhh… Yes, erm, well, it sounds like whether or not Bread is actually present, that you’re ready to do this interview. I’m delighted! Please make yourself comfortable GeekMan, and we’ll get right to it. As you may recall from yesterday, I was wondering if we might start with you telling us a little bit about your background, so let’s start with that. Could you give us a sense of what your childhood was like?
GeekMan:
[Placing the stick of moldy bread on his left side, making sure that won’t accidentally fall down, GeekMan starts talking]
Well Jade Lady, GeekMan have good childhood. GeekMan happy back then. No stupid army chasing him. No men in pajamas making him angry. GeekMan at peace with nature. GeekMan not angry all time. GeekMan surrounded by sunshine, rainbows and bunnies all day.
[GeekMan wipes his suddenly leaking eyes, leaving flesh colored streaks in the green paint on his face]
GeekMan miss bunnies!
[Looking to his left, GeekMan suddenly goes rigid.]
Shut up Bread! GeekMan not puny pansy! GeekMan strong and manly! GeekMan is Mighty! GeekMan is Geekiest one there is!
JadedJu:
Bunnies, huh? JadedJu had a bunny herself once; though some dogs ate it, tearing it right from the ca…
[At the sight of GeekMans horror stricken face, JadedJu stops herself from continuing the thought.]
I’m sorry GeekMan, do you need a tissue?
[JadedJu flings a tissue in the general direction of the GeekMan]
So, you had a happy childhood. How, uh… nice for you.
[JadedJu rolls her eyes]
.Well, let’s move along quickly, shall we? GeekMan, how did you come to get involved with computers? In my research it appeared that you may have been the person who developed bits and bytes?
GeekMan:
[Wiping his eyes again, GeekMan inhales deeply and continues.]
Jade Lady speak truth. GeekMan invent bite and bit when fighting Spandex Woman. She sit on GeekMan to pin him to ground during fight, so GeekMan bit her in the…
[Suddenly, as if hearing a shout, GeekMan looks directly at the plastic eye on the moldy piece of bread on a stick to his left.]
Shut up Bread! GeekMan not liar! GeekMan show you! GeekMan SMASH!
[Leaping from his chair, GeekMan grabs the notes from JadedJu’s hands, let’s out a mighty roar and attempts to rip them in two.]
Grrrr! Arrrr!
[For the next few moments, JadedJu looks on in embarrassed silence as GeekMan valiantly continues in his pathetic attempt to rip her paper notes apart. Finally, breathing heavily, GeekMan sits back down in his chair, the completely unripped notes clutched in his hands like a badge of shame.]
GeekMan no understand. Paper very strong. Stronger than even The Thing. Maybe paper is super, mutant paper? Maybe made of adamantium…
JadedJu:
GeekMan, please! Get ahold of yourself and Give me back those notes right now!
[GeekMan sheepishly hands the five perfectly normal pieces of paper back to JadedJu. JadedJu takes the notes from GeekMan gingerly, attempting to avoid actually touching him or the moldy stick of bread while doing so.]
Spandex Woman? Adamantium!? Sigh. And here I thought that things were finally going well with this interview.
GeekMan:
[GeekMan turns his head and looks intently at the moldy piece of bread on a stick.]
Shut up, Bread! Jade Lady not know too much! Jade Lady know nothing! She not know adamantium is GeekMan’s only weakness! She not know what you look like! She not threat!
[GeekMan seems to listen closely to the silent piece of moldy bread on a stick]
No! Bread, why you so angry? Why you want hurt Jade Lady? She not spy. She not need to be ‘toasted’. She not have to die!
[GeekMan stands up again and begins yelling at the top of his lungs at the moldy piece of bread on a stick as JadedJu looks on in awed, and frightened, silence]
No! Bread, NO! You are bad, Bread! BAD! GeekMan no like Bread no more. Bread not nice. GeekMan no talk to stupid Bread no more!
[Turning his back to the piece of moldy bread on a stick, GeekMan fumes for a few moments in the silence of the room. Every once in a while he lifts his chin and, like a pouting four-year-old, turns his head away from some imagined voice trying to talk to him. Finally, just as JadedJu had ruled out any attempt to sneak past him to the door and was seriously weighing her chances of survival should she throw herself through the plate-glass window behind her chair and plummet the six stories to the streets below, GeekMan begins speaking again.]
Jade Lady, GeekMan sorry but GeekMan no can do interview if Bread in same room. GeekMan hate Bread. Bread is, uh… Bread is… GeekMan know! Bread is POOPYFACE-HEAD!
JadedJu:
This is really more than I can take! GeekMan, why don’t you just ignore Bread? Oh, never mind, if he’s ruining this interview with his poor attitude then I’ll just tell that slimy piece of bread a thing or two myself…
[JadedJu stops and shakes her head as if to clear it.]
Wait, I must get hold of myself! I mustn’t let this get to me. I can’t let your madness infect me, GeekMan! I must remember that there is no fricking Bread, even if I have to pretend there is to get this damn interview over and done with! Okaaaaay. Let me just try one thing and see if this interview is salvageable.
[JadedJu takes a calming deep breath. She can be heard muttering to herself “I’ve never talked to toast before, but here goes nothing.” She then turns toward the moldy piece of bread on a stick next to Geekman and begins speaking.]
Geek… I mean, Bread. Yes, Bread. I’m going to assume you can hear me Bread, even though I can’t… ah, ‘hear’ you. Listen, your secrets, and GeekMan’s, are safe with me. The only people who will read this interview are the teeny, tiny group of people on the internet called Bloggers. They are such a small part of the world’s population that they’re not even worth discussing, really. Most of them are barely literate and would rather talk about the latest book about some guy named Harry Potter than hear about Adamantium. Trust me, you are safe to let GeekMan talk with me. I promise.
Now, please, I ask you this one favor. Tell GeekMan that it’s okay to continue this interview. And please, don’t interrupt us any further so we can do the rest of this interview in peace. OK?
[JadedJu’s valiant attempt to placate Bread and thus salvage her interview seems to fail. GeekMan merely makes an ‘Harrumph’ noise and turns further away in his chair from the piece of moldy bread on a stick. And, although she knows it’s not really possible, JadedJu finds herself feeling that she could almost swear that the Muppet-like, wiggly eyeball of the piece of moldy bread on a stick was glaring at her from across the room in a murderous rage. But of course, she knows that’s just not possible. That’s just… crazy.]
Ahem. Ah, Bread… maybe you can help us out here. Would you tell all of us what it is you love about the GeekMan? I mean, there must be something or else why would you keep sticking around to bother him? Maybe if you just remind him of your great relationship, GeekMan will be willing to speak with us. It’s our only hope at this point. Bread, come on! I’m begging you here, help me! Please!
GeekMan:
[Suddenly, GeekMan turns around and gives the piece of moldy bread on a stick a funny look. At the inquisitive look from JadedJu, GeekMan shrugs and speaks.]
Bread say, “If Jade Lady really want Bread’s help, Jade lady must do Bread favor.”
JadedJu:
A favor? What favor could I do? Tell me. Please. I promise to at least consider it. Whatever it takes for this interview to come to some sort of an end. WHAT. EVER. IT. TAKES.
GeekMan:
[GeekMan listens to the silence for a moment.]
Bread say, “Jade Lady must come closer to Bread.”
JadedJu:
[JadedJu hesitates. Cautiously, she takes several slow, tentative steps toward the moldy crust of bread on a stick.]
GeekMan:
Bread say, “Reach behind Bread and take out what is taped to Bread’s back.”
JadedJu:
Ew!
GeekMan:
Bread say, “Do it Jade Lady, or no interview!”
JadedJu:
Sigh. I give up. I have no more dignity anyway.
[JadedJu reaches over and detaches a small, plastic container with the words, “In case of interview emergency; open lid.” JadedJu rolls her eyes.]
Cute. What’s in this thing?
GeekMan:
Bread say, “Does Jade Lady really want interview?”
JadedJu:
Yes, I want it, the readers want it. Everybody wants it.
GeekMan:
Bread say, “Then Jade Lady must open container.”
JadedJu:
There’s nothing that’s going to hurt me in that, is there? No? Well, okay. Fine.
[JadedJu pulls back the lid and stares incredulously at the liquid yellow contents.]
What is this? What the heck…?
[JadedJu takes a sniff and looks at GeekMan, puzzled.]
Butter? You are carrying around melted butter? Wha?
GeekMan:
[GeekMan seems to be listening to nothing once again. Suddenly his lips form a small smile and he nods to no one as he turns to JadedJu to convey Bread’s wishes.]
Bread say, “If Jade Lady want interview, Jade Lady will take off shirt and cover human female mammary glands with contents of plastic cup. Jade Lady will then rub said human female mammary glands upon Bread while talking dirty in sultry voice and doing the Lambada, Sexual Dance Of The Caribbean. Jade Lady must also bark occasionally and smack her buttocks, for no reason other than Jade Lady’s obvious sexual arousal.”
JadedJu:
THAT IS IT! No more of this crap! I can’t take it anymore with you FREAKS!
[The sound of a door slamming echoes throughout the internet.]
GeekMan:
[For a moment GeekMan sits quietly in the room before reaching up to his face and furiously rubbing off what’s left of the green paint. Satisfied that it’s all been removed, he turns to the moldy piece of bread on a stick with a bemused expression on his face.]
Hey, Bread. How did I get here? The last thing I remember, you were beating the crap out of me in Halo back at our apartment. What happened?
[The moldy piece of bread on a stick silently laughs its vile and villainous laugh of evil into the empty room.]
