I’m Too Young For This

3:30 AM.

“Hear ye, Hear ye. This meeting of the Body Parts Known Collectively As GeekMan will now come to order. Mediator Brain presiding.”
“Thank you, Mr. Spine. Before I begin, I’d like to take a moment to thank each and every one of you various body parts for coming to this meeting tonight. I know that…”
“Shut up, you pompous jackhole and get to the point!”
“Anus! That’s no way to talk to the Brain and you know it.”
“Shove it, Spine. I’m very busy working on tomorrows AM load and I don’t have time for these stupid meetings of yours, so Brain better poo or get the hell off the pot before I leave.”

General sounds of agreement from the members of the audience.

“Ahem. Well, since everyone’s in such a hurry, I guess I better get straight to the point. According to our calendar of events, it’s time for GeekMan to experience another ‘harmless’ medical scare. Now, we all know how well the last one went and I’d like to take a moment now to once again publicly congratulate Groin and his team for their wonderful work on the Groin Pull/Not A Hernia project of 2002. Stand up and be recognized!”

Applause as Groin and his team take a bow.

“So, now that we all know what this is about, I’ll open the floor for your ideas. And Sinus, before you and your team even start, I’ll tell you once again that allergies are seasonal and cannot be considered for this project, so just sit down and be quiet.”

Sinus, Nose and Throat sit down grumbling.

“So, who has an idea for a new problem we can inflict upon our hapless host that will annoy him to no end, cause his friends and loved ones to laugh at his pain and still be medically benign?”
“How about an ulcer?”
“Stomach, that’s a great idea but I’m afraid GeekMan’s wise to that one already. He’s got a fully stocked medicine cabinet and he’d probably just blame HoBiscuit’s cooking and take a Tums or something. No. I’m sorry Stomach but an ulcer just won’t do. Anyone else?”
“Hemorrhoids?”
“Anus, we’ve discussed this already. You’ll get your precious hemorrhoids in about 15 years so quit bringing them up at every meeting, ok?”
“But they’re so frickin cute…”
“We’ll talk about it later, Anus. Now, anyone else have an idea?”

Silence.

“Come on, people! Someone’s got to have an idea. Anyone?”

A hand goes up in the back of the room.

“Yes? Who is that back there?”
“Uhm… it’s me, Mr. Brain, sir. Left Foot.”
“Well, speak up Lefty. Don’t be shy. Tell us your idea.”
“Well, I was thinking, your Brainship, perhaps we could give him some inexplicable foot pain? You know? Maybe a shooting pain from his left big toe to his knee that would make it nearly impossible to walk without limping? Or something like that?”

Silence.

“I’m sorry, sir. I know it was dumb, but I just wanted to help and… Well, I’ll just sit down now and we can forget the whole thing, ok?”
“Don’t sit down just yet, Mr.. What did you say your name was again?”
“Uh, Left Foot, sir.”
“Well, Lefty. Let me be the first to congratulate you! Your idea is genius. Simply genius!”
“You really think so, sir?”
“Of course I do! It’s perfect! A pain that will nearly incapacitate GeekMan for a whole day, that’s not traceable to any one source, that’ll have his friends laughing at him as he limps around town AND isn’t serious enough to warrant a trip to the doctor. My god Lefty, you’ve hit a gold mine!”
“Oh, thank you, Your Brainship, sir! Thank you!”
“Don’t thank me, Lefty. We should be thanking you!”

Applause from everyone in attendance except Anus, who is dreaming of building a harem of hemorrhoids for his sexual pleasure.

“Lefty, I want you to get started on this right away. How long will it take for you to implement The Great Toe Cramp of 2002?”
“Uh, well… if I get started right away, and you give me the paperwork I’ll need to get the muscles and stuff to work overtime, then I can be ready in about three hours.”
“The paperwork will be on your desk in half an hour. Spine, see to it.”
“Then I better get to work, sir. If you’ll excuse me…”
“You’re excused, Lefty. Damn, but this is going to be great. OK everybody, this meeting is adjourned. Anus, wipe that stupid smile off your face and step into my office.”

7:00 AM.

GeekMan is rudely awakened from a deep sleep when an invisible man wielding a rusty, spike-covered baseball bat takes a few swings at his left foot. HoBiscuit threatens to kill GeekMan if he doesn’t stop whining like a baby and let her go back to sleep. GeekMan spends the rest of the day sobbing as his throbbing foot makes even sitting down painful. Operation Great Toe Cramp of 2002 is considered a resounding success by all the members of the Body Parts Known Collectively As GeekMan.

As a reward for his great work, Lefty was promoted to VP of Toe Management and is currently lead developer on the Ingrown Toenail Of Doom Project of 2003.