Do you have an anger management problem?
Do you find yourself getting into verbal, or even physical, fights with other people who disagree with your obviously intellectually superior and far more morally correct opinions? Does the mere mention of ‘comment troll’ cause your middle finger to twitch into an upright & fully extended position? Do your friends actually enjoy bringing up politics or religion when you’re around just so they can place bets on when that pulsating vein on your left temple will actually burst?
Do you hate your friends?
Well lucky for you, we at The Mighty Geek Laboratories have discovered the world’s greatest method of meditation and relaxation. It’s called The Mighty Geek Gregorian Chant of Relaxation and Meditation. It is guaranteed to help you calm down in any situation where you might find yourself becoming murderously angry at those who have the audacity to disagree with you. There are no seminars to attend, no products to buy and certainly no money you need to part with. All you need is a clear place to sit and 10 minutes to follow our instructions.
Ready? Good.
The first thing you’ll need to do is sit down. Anywhere will do, but preferably a clear spot on the floor where you can cross your legs in the classic ‘meditation’ position. Now, once you are sitting down, you should place your hands on your knees and begin breathing slowly, taking 7 seconds to breathe in and another 7 seconds to breathe out.
Are you breathing? Good.
Now, on your next exhalation, you should say the first part of our Gregorian chant, which you will find below. It should be said in a monotone voice and for the entire 7 seconds it takes for you to exhale. Remember to take an additional 7 seconds to inhale after every repetition of the word.
The first word is Owah.
Go ahead, say the word right now; this will help you memorize it for later. After you’ve said this word five times, taking the full 7 seconds to say the word each time, it’s time to move on to the next word.
Tahjer
You should also say this word five times, remembering to take a full 7 seconds to say it each time. When you’ve finished, you can then move on to the next and final word of our Gregorian chant.
Kiam
Again, you should say this word five times while breathing properly. By this time you should be feeling more relaxed than when we began and you’ll be ready to move on to the next and final stage of our meditation.
It’s time to chant.
We will now begin using all the words together in a single Gregorian chant of relaxation and meditation. You should say each word as a single 7 second breath, taking 7 seconds to inhale after each word. 7 in and 7 out.
Remember, 7 is the magic number.
After repeating the chant for a while, I’m sure that you will begin to see the light and not only will you have calmed down, but you might even find yourself laughing. If you find that the chant isn’t working for you, try repeating it a little faster. Trust us, The Mighty Geek Gregorian Chant of Relaxation and Meditation has yet to fail.
Owah tahjer kiam.
Why yes, yes you are.
You stole that from The Odd Couple!
I didn’t even remember that was from the Odd Couple until you mentioned it! I was actually thinking of a short story I read in my youth where a bully was told to learn the chant until he realized what it meant and thereafter stopped being a bully.
But, if I remember correctly, in the book it was “Owah Tahfu Liam”.
On The Odd Couple, it was “Owah Tagoo Siam”
It took me WAY TOO LONG to get that. Could you come up with a mantra for stupid people, something like, uh, maybe IS UCK.
Good one, but you didn’t fool me! *G*
everybody at my work is now staring at me because of how funny i’m finding this week’s “status report”. keep up the hilarious posts.
Whew… that only took me, what? Four days to figure that one out?