I Am Not The Man

I went to a funeral yesterday.

It was for my Grand-Aunt P. who was an amazing 97 years old. And although my entire family is saddened by her passing, we are still the Geek family and so we could not let such a gathering go by without at least one true moment of embarrassment that will live forever in the annals of our family’s shame.

[taking place in the car on the drive back home]

Grandpa:
“Ow! GeekMan, are you trying to kill me?”

GeekMan:
“No grandpa, why do you say that?”

Grandpa:
“Because you’re hitting every damn pothole on the road, that’s why! Ow! Hey, do you want to go back there and run over that last one again? I don’t think you hit the deepest part of it.”

GeekMan:
“Sigh. Is something wrong grandpa?”

Grandpa:
“Yes, something’s wrong. Ow! Did my wife put you up to this? Did she offer you a steak in return for putting me through this agony?”

GeekMan:
“What are you talking about grandpa? What’s wrong?”

Grandpa:
“If you must know, I’ve got a boil the size of a grapefruit on my ass and every time you hit a bump in the road I feel like I’m going to die! There, I told you my shame. Are you happy now?”

GeekMan:
“Well, why didn’t you say so?! Now, just to show you how much I care about you, I’ll get off the highway and find a nice cobblestone street I can speed through.”

Grandpa:
“You bastard. You know something? I never liked you.”

Grandma:
“That’s OK, GeekMan. I love you.”

Grandpa:
“You stay out of this!”

Grandma:
“Shut up or so help me I’ll stick a pin in that thing and make you walk to the hospital!”

GeekMan:
“I never thought I’d say this but, one more peep out of either of you and so help me I’ll turn this car around.”

[silence for thirty seconds]

Grandpa and Grandma [in unison]:
“Peep.”

HoBiscuit:
“Hahahahahahaha!”

GeekMan:
“I hate my life.”