I really hate being sick.
Whatever illness HoBiscuit had she managed to give it to me and now I am completely and totally unable to speak. Really, it’s true. When I open my mouth I can only manage to create this pathetic, high-pitched, squeaking noise not unlike a small rodent being violently folded in half. Backwards. And the amount of mucus congregating in my lungs and around my vocal cords would choke a starving, tapeworm-infested miniature goat.
And everyone knows how much they can eat.
HoBiscuit, bless her evil, cold-as-a-stone heart, has been doing her best to nurture me back to health while simultaneously exacting revenge for all the evil jokes and no-longer-quite-so-funny pranks that I subjected her to all last week. She loves to ask me if there’s anything I want or need and then, when I try to talk, she cups her ear and says, “What? I can’t hear you. Could you speak up please?”
Asking for a glass of water is completely out of the question.
On Thursday evening I did something I’ve never done before. I met Luke, who’s a Web Log Writer just like me, in the flesh for the very first time. I never knew of him before and he never knew me, but we had a common bond that drew us together, even across a crowded bar. Actually, he knew HoBiscuit and since we were all hanging out at a bar we got to talking about our web sites. The reason we were at a bar was because a mutual friend of his and HoBiscuit’s needed ‘Emergency Relationship Breakup Support’, but that’s not something I’m allowed to write about.
And that’s a shame because it’s a real good story. Damn.
Anywaste, it came out that we both maintained Web Logs and we started to talk about web sites and other technical stuff. We were quickly cut off from discussing such important matters as click-through rates and visitor counts when the ladies began rolling their eyes in apparent boredom. It didn’t help that we were the only males in a group of six (that later became a group of 12) and all the females were doing the ‘support the girl, guy-bashing’ type of stuff. I was surrounded and felt threatened and scared all evening.
I consoled myself by watching Charlie’s Angels on the bar TV screen.
Right now I’m trying to recover my health and I hope to be better in a couple of days. My diet consists of soup, Earl Grey Tea (hot), salty crackers and a healthy helping of Humble Pie served daily by my loving girlfriend. But don’t worry, I still get to watch TV all day on the Comfy-Couch of Super Sleep while the rest of the world goes to work.
Hey, just because I’m sick doesn’t mean I have to change my lifestyle, right?
