Great Danes

There were five of us, and we were hungry.

After wandering the Copenhagen streets for a few hours looking for a place to eat we had all finally agreed upon a nice little restaurant right on the water in Christianshavn. We were shown our table and given menus from which we would choose our food and drink. All was good in the world and we were all relieved to be sitting down at such a nice place on such a nice day for what we hoped would be a very tasty meal.

And then Trainee walked into our lives.

I knew that Trainee was the name of our good looking young waitress because that’s what the name tag on the left breast of her button down work shirt that was open to the fourth button said. “Hello, my name is Trainee.” No confusion there, nosireebob. But, just to make sure I thoroughly comprehended and understood what her name was, when she leaned over to fill my water glass, I took a good, hard look at that beautifully crafted name tag. That was pinned to her open-to-the-fourth-button button down shirt. On her left breast. You could say I studied that name tag and committed the softly rounded edges, slight surface bumps and smooth creamy colors to my memory for future reference.

Oh man, I just love name tags.

Anywaste, after much debate amongst ourselves we finally decided what we would order. TD, a very worldly man, wanted to know about a signature dish listed on the menu as simply “Delicious Potato Sandwich.” Trainee explained it to TD as, and I quote, “Some potatoes on some bread. Very good, you will like it.” When asked if it alone was enough for lunch Trainee’s only reply was, “That would depend on whether you are hungry or just want to eat something.”

It was at this point that I began taking mental notes for this post.

Undeterred, TD asked Trainee how big the sandwich was, to which Trainee replied, “It fits on the plate.” Trying once more, TD inquired as to the size of the plate and Trainee, in her own special way, rolled her eyes, heaved a big sigh and said, “It is big enough for the sandwich. Do you want it now or do you need to ask more questions first?” At this point it was obvious that TD was going to have to order the Delicious Potato Sandwich if only to see how big it would be. Looking him over, Trainee put a hand to her hip and stated, matter-of-factly, “You, my friend, might want to order something more. You look like an eater.”

As the rest of us laughed up our lungs, a red-faced TD asked for an additional chicken salad sandwich.

After we had all placed our orders, Trainee posited to us a most interesting question. Would any of us like to partake of some locally flavored Schnapps? Three of my friends decided that yes, they would love to try some schnapps, and would Trainee be so kind as to explain to all of us the different choices in flavors?

Her mouth said yes, but Trainee’s eyes told a whole different story.

Leaving us briefly, Trainee quickly returned holding a picnic basket filled with different schnapps flavorings and a single large bottle of unflavored schnapps. She then proceeded to explain to us, in small, monosyllabic words, how the unflavored schnapps would be mixed with one of the various flavoring bottles’ contents to produce a custom glass of flavored schnapps just for us. She then pointed to each flavor bottle and told us what was in it.

“This one is a flower. The essence, of course, since you can see there is no flower in the bottle. I can’t remember the name of the flower, but it is white. This one is a fruit. I do not know what kind of fruit, but it is fruity in flavor. This one tastes like… it is spicy. Not hot, but like a pepper. But not pepper, understand? This one here is very popular with the ladies. It tastes like candy. And this one is apple. It is different from the other fruity flavor because it is an apple and not just fruit. There are others here, but they are not as good as these so I will not mention them. You should not even ask since you will not like them. So, which flavor will you have?”

TD, of course, could not leave well enough alone.

“Do you have Aquavit?”
“Aquavit?”
“Yes. Isn’t that the name of the popular Schnapps here?”
“Oh yes. We have Aquavit, but it is not for you. It is only for real men.”

Much derisive laughter.

“Are you saying that you don’t think I’m a man?”
“Oh no, I see you are a man, but I did not think you wanted such a strong, real man drink.”
“Well, I am a real man and I want a real glass of Aquavit, please.”
“Please? Are you sure you can handle such a real manly-man drink?”
“Hey! I am a real manly-man.”
“OK. If you say so.”

That’s when I fell off my chair.

When Trainee brought over the drinks she placed them down on the table and, I kid you not, she stood next to the table and watched TD drink his glass of Aquavit. When he did not immediately fall over and die, she seemed surprised and grudgingly stated, “Well, I guess you are a real man after all.”

TD’s face was priceless.

There were other things about this lunch that make it one of the best lunches in the history of lunches. Like how I asked for ketchup for my fries and was greeted with an incredulous look of disbelief, as if using ketchup on fries was blasphemy. And how, after she had delivered the ketchup without my noticing and I asked yet again for the ketchup, she leaned down to me and stage whispered, “It is right there. Should I draw you a map or do you think you can reach it on your own?”

Man, was my face red as everyone pointed at me and laughed.

Oh, and the Delicious Potato Sandwich? It consisted of three very small boiled potatoes sliced thin and placed on two teeny, tiny pieces of bread. With mayo. On a plate large enough for a whole turkey. And his chicken salad sandwich was about the size of a Saltine with a melon scoop of chicken salad. I actually think TD left the restaurant hungrier than when he sat down. Actually, I think we all did.

Which is why we immediately went next door and bought ice cream.

Even so, we had a fabulous lunch filled with a whole lot of laughter, some tasty food and one very saucy serving wench. Feeling generous after such a good time, we decided to leave Trainee a very large tip amounting to about 35% of the bill, even though we knew that in Denmark the tip is already included with the cost of the food. Unfortunately for Trainee, when she tried to process the bill the credit card machine rejected our generous tip because it was more than 15% of the total bill. We told her to put the 15% on the card and, as a last act of rebellion, TD whipped out his wallet and handed Trainee enough cash to make up almost 30% more. And, after shoving the cash into her pocket, what did Trainee have to say about such a show of generosity?

“A real man would have given me 40%.”