HoBiscuit was excited.
When she came home from work last night and saw the pile of mail on the kitchen table, her eyes were immediately drawn to the top envelope. The one with the AC Nielsen logo and the words, ‘A special invitation to join our panel.’ on it. She squealed like a spider monkey in heat and lifted up the envelope as if contained a winning lottery ticket for [begin Dr. Evil] 100 billion dollars [/end Dr. Evil].
“Oh. My. God. We’re going to be a Nielsen family!”
I was uncertain what that meant at first, not being a big fan of TV, but I knew better than to argue with her when she was so obviously excited. I have been well trained. So, I proceeded to jump up and down in excitement with her, as is my contractual obligation per items 103.92b and 427.45c of the relationship contract I was forced to sign when we first began dating.
In blood. From my own finger. Three. Freaking. Copies.
Anywaste, she began babbling about how great it would be because our TV viewing habits would influence future programming for all of America. Then she said something about something being cool, or something. And blah, blah, blah research. Blah, blah, blah exciting. Gibberish, foreign tongues, Satan is my master, llamas got my teeth, blah, blah, blah.
That’s about when I stopped listening.
Instead, I began wondering how I might be able to hack the Nielsen box so that it thinks all I’m watching is reruns of Family Guy and Married… With Children. Then I wondered if it would affect the VEHTS, because if it did then I wouldn’t let that devil’s gadget into my home. No way was I going to lose the sound or picture quality of my system just so these faceless, nameless researchers could watch me channel surf my Pay-Per-View porn. I’d rather die first then give up the perfect clarity of watching Jenna Jameson’s bouncing breasts on my beautiful, professionally calibrated, extra-large, super-flat HDTV.
In my minds eye I could still see them bouncing. Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
Looking over to HoBiscuit I realized her mouth was moving. Quickly flicking the mental switch that allowed my ears to pick up her particular vocal frequencies again, I listened to her angry words.
“This isn’t for the TV! It’s for shopping!”
Seeing my furrowed brow and blank stare, HoBiscuit handed me the color pamphlet, put her hands on her hips and fumed at the injustices of the world. As I read the pamphlet, she started talking about invasions of privacy, marketing bastards, stupid surveys and how unfair it was that she wasn’t going to influence the TV viewing habits of her fellow Americans by watching Shipmates, American Idol and SpongeBob SquarePants 24 hours a day.
She’s so damn cute, isn’t she?
Well, it turns out that we’re not going to be a Nielsen family. What we were invited to join was the Homescan Consumer Panel, which basically means using a handheld scanner to scan in the UPC barcodes of every freaking thing we ever buy. Ever. From food to electronics to household items, everything would be scanned in and sent to the ‘good’ people of AC Nielsen so they could then sell that information to large corporations in the name of ‘Market Research’.
But I have a plan.
See, I think we might sign up for the program but, when we get the scanner, instead of scanning our real purchases we’d go to our local sex shop and scan in everything from dildos to lubricant to harnesses. Then we’d go to one of those anti-spy shops and scan in all the phone tapping hardware and hidden surveillance cameras. We might even go to the costume shops and novelty stores in search of the strangest combinations of things we could buy. Like a gorilla suit, x-ray glasses, a wind-up walking penis and a velvet Elvis poster.
Then we’ll hit the Chinese supermarkets. Ha. Ha. Haaaa.
Good plan. But, man, that’s a lot of work … what do you get (besides an update of the latest sex toys)?
And Depends, you must scan depends. And cases of enemas. The commercialization factor of your contribution alone would be so worth it.
And butter, scan some butter.
DO IT DO IT! You could INFLUENCE THE SEX TOY MARKET! Think of the power!
That is one of the funniest things I have read in a ‘blog-thing’ for some time. Being a Geek myself, and sharing your anarchistic traits, I say go for it. If these people want to know that much about you, then give them “TMI” up the wazoo!
Alas, they’d probably weed you out as a “statistical outlier”. :(
It just so happens, a long time later, I get one of these things, and theirs no one out their to partner with to majorly fuck the markets… Oh well…
Hee! I just became a Homescan panel member too – you’ve given me some GREAT ideas here!
I’ve been on the Homescan consumer panel for a few months and I think we should form a coup.
this is so funny. I have been a panelist for an embarrassing eight years. I am about to give it up, mostly because my life has gotten just too busy. you get points for scanning your information regularly(the more consistent you are with sending it, the more points you get) you do *not*, as so many of my friends thought, get MORE points for scanning MORE items (everybody would come to me and say, “I have bar codes!” as if it were a volume contest. trust me, if it were, I would be a winner, with my little shopping “habit”)
the big draw is that you are entered in all of these drawings. every month they give $500 away to 10 people and $1000 away to another sixteen people, or vice versa (it’s in american express gift cheques, but those spend as well as cash)and each quarter, if you are a “super scanner” (which I have tried to be, thought it can be hard to remember to scan EVERY week) you will be entered into a drawing for a car, a vacation, or $20,000 cash (most people choose the cash, obviously).
In my years of doing this, I have NEVER won anything, despite there being only roughly a 1 in 50,000 chance of winning (much better odds than that stupid mega millions lottery–“odds of winning 1 in 150 million”, as the sign tauntingly reminds me each day as I drive by it on my way to work)
I have redeemed my points over the years for various things:
a vacuum
a set of cutlery
I can’t even remember what else. I know there were two other things. the vacuum was about 76,000 “points” so that took a while. (the gifts are probably worth about a dollar per thousand points–so if it’s a $40 item, you would use about 40,000 points. it takes well over a year to EARN that amount, although you earn points more quickly the longer you are with the panel.)
I’m rather embarrassed that I have done it for this long–but I have to admit that my hope was always that I would hit the “big one” and win that $20,000. I am still waiting. but not anymore–I am sending my scanner back this week–as soon as I can find the e-mail address to write and let them know!
it was fun for a while but it was a total pain too because I was always trying to be vigilant about bringing home candy bar wrappers, etc. I am glad to see it go.
but hey, you might enjoy it! and you might win that $20,000 that should have been MINE!!! ;-)
Rain
As a recovering homescan mindless robot I found that the “reward” for doing all that damn scanning was a pittance. ACNeilsen should really pay their scanners more. I would NEVER do this again.
Hey Guys,
My company makes the batteries that go into a lot of those scanners. I’m trying to find out who handled the replacement batteries at AC Neilsen. Does anyone have any contacts at AC Neilsen? Thanks
I think I just got one of these things in the mail. My girl calls me telling me I got a UPS shipment in and I can’t remember ordering anything. She tells me that it is from ACNielsen and it says something about a megapanel…
Boy wasn’t I disapointed when I searched the net only to find out this thing is a bar code scanner… I already have one of those!(CueCat)
I’ll have to see what it’s insides look like when I get home tonight!
n’kay…
Anyone actually read all the really FREAKY Fine Print?!?!?!
It goes sumptin’ like this…
>>”By accepting this scanner you agree to be monitered in both ways you are aware of – and ways we have not made you aware of. We have a variety of ways of gathering information, you agree to have information about your consumer habits and other activities gathered.” <<
OKAY…
It was when I read that, that I packed the scanner up and locked it outside in a car I have that’s not working. I don’t even want that thing in my house!
Further, While reading the information, the directions tell me to keep it plugged into my USB port AT ALL TIMES- not only the once a week when I need to transmit data… Hmmm… WHY?
No No No No No…. Collect data on me in ways that I am not aware of… I do NOT think so!
Anyone else notice that little line?
~Cautious & Paranoid
And rightly so!
I just received my packet and I think it will go back the way it came. Not enough rewards and an invasion of my privacy so they can make mega bucks!!!!
I got this package today and it turns out to be a home scan thing, I had the same reaction when I realized it was for shopping. No way in hell I’m going to let those bastards track my shopping habits. I just took it apart instead… did a google search to see if anyone’s hacked this thing at all and came across your page. Have a good one!
http://bc219.blogspot.com/2005/08/they-must-know-i-dont-watch-tv.html#comments
Sending mine back this week as we just received a threatening letter they would turn us over to a collection agency if we didn’t return the equipment.
Takes too much time for absolutely NO incentive.
DON’T DO IT!!!!