GeekMan’s S3 – #1

Her name was Shirley.

Shirley owned and operated the tiny little candy/convenience store a few blocks away from our apartment that Mr. Hentai and I would visit every day on our way to school. Each and every day, as we left the store with our single piece of candy each, Shirley would remind us to hurry or we’d be late and get detention. Then she’d laugh and turn to the next customer in line.

It was the laugh that kept us coming back.

You see, Shirley was not a pretty woman, in fact you could almost say she was ugly. Overweight and under-tall, Shirley had a pockmarked face, flabby arms and hair that would make even Medusa’s hairdresser groan in agony. Plus, she smelled of sour milk and old medicine. But none of that really mattered to us.

What mattered were her giant boobies.

Shirley had boobies of a most awe inspiring size. Honestly, they were truly astonishing to behold. They were each literally as large as my entire head and when Shirley laughed they seemed to move in ways simultaneously foreign to the realm of physics and magical in nature. These whale-sized mammary glands were the only reason why Mr. Hentai and I put up with Shirley’s brusque manner, her overpriced and crappy selection of candy and even her horrid, horrid stench. It was all just to see those two massive mounds of human flesh do their mesmerizing dance of joy as she shooed us out the door.

The memory of which got me through many a boring Spanish class.

One day, as we perused the sad collection of candy on display at Shirley’s establishment, I decided to buy a package of Whoppers for my before school snack but when I reached into the box I realized that this particular package of Whoppers just happened to be the very last one on display. As I picked up the Whoppers I discovered the dried out husk of a roach sitting inside the now empty display box, looking sad and alone as I took away its very last friend. Being a child I rationalized that the candy was inside the package and therefore safe to eat, not once connecting the dead bug and thick layer of dust on the package to the length of time it might have been sitting in the display waiting for some fool child to come along and purchase its freedom. Once outside I ripped open the package and popped one of the crusty, flakey, not-quite-correct-color-for-chocolate balls in my mouth…

And bit into Chocolate Hell.

Sandy, powdery, yet still crunchy innards spilled into my mouth and down my throat as I choked on the 2,000 year old Whopper. Coughing and sputtering as if I had just swallowed the sandman’s semen I insisted that Mr. Hentai try one so he would know I was not overreacting. And idiot that he is, he did. From that day forward, Mr. Hentai and I have had a saying between us for any situation where we feel someone should proceed with caution. And that saying is;

Don’t eat Shirley’s Whoppers!