Geek Luck

Even when I’m lucky, I’m unlucky.

I went to Orlando this weekend and not because I wanted to, but because I had to for work. The work itself was easy and uneventful, so I won’t bore you with the details. However, I would like to take a moment to tell you a little bit about my flight out to Ratland so that those of you who might be thinking of flying there this summer might have a little warning about what to expect.

The kids are Kuh-RAZY!

First, I knew where I was going so I knew that the plane would be filled with kids, so don’t think I was taken unawares by all the children in the waiting area. However, I just wasn’t totally prepared for the massive amount of tween and teenager girls from, of all places, Brazil! They were all wearing their green shirts and skin-tight black pants and the group leader actually had a little tour-guide-like flag which she held aloft so the entire group of kids could follow her everywhere.

And the talking!

I used to think that girls talked a lot and that they couldn’t possibly get any more annoying with their yapping to each other, or gossiping about something, or discussing the latest hair styles, or whispering about someone they don’t like… or openly pointing at me and laughing…

Damn you 8th grade. Damn you to hell.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that girls yapping away in a language I didn’t understand was even more annoying than when I do understand what they’re talking about! The fact that they kept looking my way and giggling didn’t improve my mood at all, so when an announcement was made asking for volunteers for exit row seating (where children aren’t allowed to sit) I literally jumped up as the first volunteer. I believed I had gotten lucky until, 10 minutes before boarding, my name was called. The ticketing agent explained to me that the flight was full and asked if I might be willing to give up my exit row seat in exchange for a first class seat with a free meal and extra miles for my mileage card?

Holding back tears of joy, I nodded my approval.

I couldn’t believe my good fortune. From being stuck with the Brazilian Gossip Girls to having an exit row seat guaranteed to be children-free to being in first class! It was my lucky day! I boarded the plane with the first group and even managed to find room for my carry-on bag without having to elbow an old lady in the face for the overhead bin. The flight attendants gave me a welcome aboard drink and some hot cashews in a petri dish, I took out my magazines and settled in to my leather-clad, reclining seat. Everything seemed to be set for a perfect two and a half hour flight down to Florida.

Until my seatmate arrived.

To say this guy smelled worse than an onion eating monkey afflicted with leprosy with a dead skunk stuck in its anal orifice would be vastly insulting to the monkey. I had major trouble just sitting there trying to breath without vomiting and every time he moved a wave of nausea inducing air would wash over me like a tidal wave of death. The flight attendants, who had been so nice to me when I first arrived, avoided my row like the plague. In fact, I believe they thought my seatmate had the plague. The free meal I was offered was refused because I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything for fear of becoming violently ill in the process. Plus, two seconds after liftoff the guy fell asleep and he SNORED like a bear chewing on a running lawnmower. All in all, my ‘luck’ in being upgraded turned into one of the worst flights I’ve ever taken and all because of the seatmate from hell.

In other news, Orlando is humid.