Frag Me, But Good

The following takes place at my local TOYS foR schmUckS.

“Oh yeah, Barbie. You know you want it. You naughty girl. Daddy’s going to spank you…”

“Hey there, Tiger. Aren’t you a little old for dolls?”

“What? Who said that?”

I quickly put down the Barbie and Ken dolls I had been playing with and scanned the aisle. Aside from the 8 year old girl I was trying to scar emotionally for life, there was no one else there. As I turned towards her to ask if she had said something, she suddenly turned on her heel and ran down the aisle screaming for her mother.

“Well, how rude. I wonder if she’s the one who said that? That’s a damn sexy voice for a kid.”

“No Sugah, she didn’t say it, I did. I’m three rows over and waiting for you, Stud.”

I was a little nervous now but my curiosity was piqued, so I headed to the end of the aisle and turned to my left. If I had been thinking at all I would have realized that no human voice could reach me with such clarity from three rows over in a crowded TRU. And no woman with a voice that sexy would ever talk to me when I hadn’t shaved for four days straight. But something about that voice just compelled me to listen. It was hypnotic. I reached the third aisle and suddenly it all became very clear.

“Wait a minute! This is the video game section… My god, you’re an Ex-Boxx!”

“That’s right my macho man. I’m sleek, I’m new and I’m just dying to go home with you.”

“Oh no lady, I’m not falling for your charms. I haven’t played a game in over three years, so your wily charms have no effect on me. I can’t play video games anymore ever since I started having wrist pains, so you can just seduce some other poor sap and leave me alone.”

“You don’t want me, Hot Stuff? Not even a teensy bit?”

“Nope.”

I said it with as much confidence and finality as I could muster and tried to turn away before she could start talking again. I was almost to the end of the aisle before I heard here clear her throat.

“Baby Cakes, are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Positive?”

“Positive.”

“Well then, I guess it won’t change your mind if I show you this.”

With that, the monitor above the Micro$oft display came to life and was filled with images of Halo. I couldn’t help myself because I really am a weak-willed Geek and I turned around to look. I know, I know, I was stupid. It was a trap and I knew it was a trap and I still couldn’t resist.

I’m so dumb sometimes I can’t believe I ever managed to find my way out of the womb.

One look at that awe inspiring vision of gaming wet dreams was all it took. Suddenly, my brain ceased all upper functions and it was only through a supreme effort of will that I managed to breath at all. My body stood there, slack and unresponsive, as the images held my eyes captive. I couldn’t help it, I got excited. My pulse quickened, sweat broke out on my brow and my nipples even got hard.

I got so excited I think I peed, just a little, in my pants.

I’m not sure how long I stood there, but I think I recall the images looping four or five times before I became aware of a voice. It might have taken another few loops before I realized the voice was asking a question.

“Wha? Who? Hmmmm… I’m sorry, did you say something?”

“That’s all right, Tiger. I was just wondering if you might have changed your mind about taking a poor girl home?”

That snapped me back to reality real fast.

“Oh no, missy. You’re not going to get me that easily. I can’t take you home with me. I have a girlfriend already. I don’t have the money to afford you. I’ve got wrist pains. I don’t have the time. We’re just not right for each other.”

“Is that really how you feel?”

“I’m sorry, but yes. I really can’t take you home with me. Besides, I spend all my money on the VEHTS so I really can’t see spending money on something like you. Sorry.”

I could tell she was disappointed, but I figured she’d get over it. I just hoped I could get out of there before she started crying or something. That would have really sucked. Have you ever heard a piece of hardware cry? It’s pathetic. Really.

It kind of sounds like Willie Nelson gargling with battery acid.

Anyway, I really just didn’t have the time for her kind of nonesense. I mean, I spend all my time with my computers and my girlfriend. How would I ever find the time…

“You know, you could hook me up to the VEHTS and play games with 5.1 digital surround sound.”

At 5am the next morning, after playing Halo for 9 hours straight without stopping for food, water, or going to the bathroom, I suddenly realized what I had done. I looked over to Miss Boxx as she sat proudly in her new place of distinction in the VEHTS rack and gave her my most evil glare.

“I can’t believe I brought you home.”

“Aw Sugah. You don’t really mean that, do you? Whoops, you died again. Shall I hit restart for you, Sweetums?”

Crying softly to myself at the injustice of it all, I nodded to her and turned back to the TV. I’m not positive, but I think I saw an evil smile of sadistic pleasure on her lips as I turned away.

That heartless bitch.