Flip-Flop Hell

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   17

I hate flip-flops.

Especially on women at the workplace. Now, I know that many people, HoBiscuit included, absolutely adore their flip-flops and love wearing them every fricking day until it gets so cold that their toes turn to icicles, but for the life of me I can’t see why. I find them so uncomfortable and impractical that I’d rather walk barefoot over broken glass, rusty nails, salt and juiced lemons than wear flip-flops in public. I’d rather wear my own tongue on my feet and walk through the monkey cages at the zoo. I’d rather lose my toes, one by one over the course of several months, in horrific bear trap accidents and have to cauterize the wounds myself using nothing but some moose droppings and a faulty Zippo lighter.

I’d rather watch a full season of “My Awesome Sweet 16”.

Don’t get me wrong. I do understand that flip-flops have a place in society and that wearing them at the beach or on a really hot summer’s day can be both comfortable and practical. But it’s when the stupid things become your footwear of choice, when you own more pairs of flip-flops than there are days in a month, that I start losing my patience and begin looking for a book depository and an old rifle.

I’m not kidding.

Let me break it down for you. First, flip-flops aren’t comfortable. The stupid piece that sticks between your toes to hold the damn things on your feet is constantly rubbing, rubbing, rubbing the webbing between your toes and after only a few hours of use you’re almost guaranteed to have a nice, ripe blister when you take them off. And don’t even get me started on what happens should you trip on the street, or someone steps on your foot, or if you drop something heavy/sharp on your toes.

See? Just thinking about that made you wince.

Secondly, you can’t possibly run, fight or even move quickly while wearing the silly things. I mean, honestly. How are you supposed to play a nice game of football wearing flip-flops? Have you ever tried to ‘go long’ while wearing a pair? If you haven’t, don’t bother. It’s impossible. And heaven forbid you’re at the bank when a robber bursts in demanding money and you’re the only one who can stop him and save the day. Springing into action is very difficult to do when your footwear keeps falling off mid-step.

And there is truly no possible way to look dashing in flip-flops.

Now ladies, please don’t send me hate mail about how wonderful your flip-flops are and how comfortable you are while wearing them. I already know you like them because every single one of you reading this out there owns a pair or twenty. And I also know that you’ve all gone too fricking far with how much you adore them because this past weekend I actually saw a woman walking confidently down the street in a mother-fricking Armani business suit with a pair of cheap, plastic-and-rubber, dime store flips-flops on her perfectly manicured feet!

ARGH! Flip-flops drive me nuts!

17 Comments

  1. OK.. The SO has 3 pairs.. but she keeps losing one of them around the house. Lose the purple pair? Find the orange.. Lose the orange find the Blue..

    She keeps eyeballing more. Only 59 cents a pair.. BAH.

    Useless things those Flip-Flops..

    Just say no.

  3. I remember when they were called “thongs”….

    I hate them.

    But, what’s worse than women wearing flip-flops? Hairy man-feet in flip-flops.

    Amen, Geekman, a-to-the-men.

  4. i own two and you will NOT pry them from my dead cold feetyou flip-flop-phobic freak. i can however delighte you with the giant scar on my knee from the last time i tried to run in them and literaly ate pavement just as much as the pavement ate me.

  5. I am proud to say that as I woman, I have never once owned a single pair of flip-flops. Even as a child, I would run screaming from the room if my mother urged me to try on a pair. I share your exact sentiments on the impracticallity of flip-flops Geekman. You are among friends. Or maybe I am among friends since I am on YOUR site.

  7. i am emotionally attached to my flip flops, AND i wear them to work. they’re comfortable, they’re cheap, and they give me an excuse to NOT do things like spring into action and run. ahhh laziness :)

  9. More than anything I want to set fire to my mother’s flip-flops (when she’s not wearing them obviously) They are disgusting and naff, and they’re falling to pieces. Yet she insists on wearing them EVERYWHERE!!! Rain, snow, whatever the weather she’s wearing them! AAGGGHHH!!!

  10. death 2 the flip-flop`s! they look gay, they make the most fucking annoying sound and worst of all, they come in all sorts of bloody aufull design`s and colours!!!

  12. Flip fuckin flop, thats all we heard all summer long. But now it’s winter and the flip-flops are thrown into the closet. Let’s destroy them while they are unprotected!!!!! hahahahhahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. Flip fuckin flop, thats all we heard all summer long. But now it’s winter and the flip-flops are thrown into the closet. Let’s destroy them while they are unprotected!!!!! hahahahhahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Whooohoooooo my goddamned Flip Flop hell is over thanks to the season known only as winteridge. Praise vishnu for the cold weather. Death to the Furby.

  16. goddamned it those bloody things haven’t gone at all some furby lovin batch was in my work wearing flipflops. don’t worry i pulled out an AK and was done with her. and that was the end of it. furby suck puss deal!!!!

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