Fat Bastard

Real people, real conversations, real problem.

Upon meeting a female friend I’ve known since high school for the first time in four months the following conversation took place:

Female Friend:
“Hey GeekMan, it’s good to see you! How are you doing?”

GeekMan:
“Hi FF, it’s good to see you too. I’ve been great, just working too hard and…”

[FF pokes GeekMan’s tummy]

GeekMan:
“You did not just poke me in the stomach.”

FF:
“I’m sorry, it’s just so cute! You’ve got a bubble belly!”

GeekMan:
“You know, I never liked you. Ever.”

While showing my new apartment to my brother, Fishman and his fiancé Papaya:

GeekMan:
“So, as you can see, everything’s great here except for the kitchen which we really need to fix up before we actually move in.”

Papaya:
It’s a great place; I love the exposed beams and the hardwood floors! Have you thought about… Oh, WOW!”

GeekMan:
“What?! Is something wrong with the apartment?”

Papaya:
“No, no. Nothing like that. It’s just that… well; I just noticed that you’ve got a pooch! And it’s so cute sticking out from your body like that! Like you’ve just eaten a small basketball.”

GeekMan:
“Did you just call me FAT?!”

Papaya:
“Uhm… No. Not really…”

GeekMan:
“I am NOT fat.”

Papaya:
“There’s no need to shout, I was just observing that you’re stomach is a little rounder that it used to be. You know, people do tend to gain weight as they age…”

GeekMan:
“Now I’m fat AND old?! You insult me in my own home?”

Papaya:
“Oh dear. That’s not what I meant. Fishman, help me out here. Please?”

Fishman:
“Dude, you’re old and fat. Deal with it.”

GeekMan:
“I’d kill you both, but I don’t think I’d ever get the bloodstains out of the floor.”

So, now I’m an old, fat and angry man and I hate it. Especially since HoBiscuit finds it hysterical that everyone, and I do mean everyone, has been pointing out my tummy over the last week. I, on the other hand, didn’t think it was so bad until yesterday when we attended a BBQ at a friend’s house and someone there asked me if I did sit-ups, and when I said no he replied, “Well, you’d lose that gut if you did.”

I would have hit him, but that would have meant, you know, getting up and stuff.