Extra Baggage

Just so you know…

This conversation took place in the London, Heathrow airport when I was stopped by a security guy.

Airport Security Guy – “I’m sorry sir, but you’ll need to check one of those bags.”
GeekMan – “Why?”
ASG – “You’re only allowed one carry-on bag when going through security.”
GM – “But I’m only making a connection here.”
ASG – “I’m afraid that you still need to go through security, so you can only have one bag.”
GM – “Curious. You would think that someone, somewhere would have mentioned that little piece of information to those of us making connections here before we got on the plane in New York.”
ASG – “That’s not something I have control over, sir.”
GM – “Alrighty then. I understand that you have your rules and I’ve got to follow those rules, however I think we might have a problem.”
ASG – “What problem?”
GM – “Well, one bag has two computers in it and the other has camera equipment.”
ASG – “And…?”
GM – “Well, I can’t check either bag because the equipment contained in them is both fragile and expensive.”
ASG – “Ah. I see.”
GM – “Yes. So, in this situation, what would you suggest I do?”
ASG – “Well, if you could somehow stuff one bag into the other…?”
GM – “Interesting tact. However, I feel the need to point out that the process of ‘stuffing’ fragile equipment tends to cause problems.”
ASG – “I see. I had not thought of that.”
GM – “Any other suggestions?”
ASG – “You could fly back to NY and find a direct flight to your final destination.”
GM – “Let me get this straight. In order for me to make it through this security checkpoint with two carry-on bags you’re suggesting that after having flown 8 hours to get this far that I fly back to NY for 8 hours, book another flight that doesn’t come through London and then fly to my actual destination?”
ASG – “Well, that would solve your problem, wouldn’t it?”
GM – “That’s true, but I would like to note that following that plan would cause me to be fired and thus negate my need to travel in the first place.”
ASG – “Ah. Well then, that leads to my next suggestion…”
GM – “I’m not quitting my job.”
ASG – “Well, if you’re not going to even listen to my suggestions…”
GM – “Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to be so negative. It’s just that I don’t know what I can do about this and I’d really rather not miss my connection flight.
ASG – “Well, maybe you could just hand carry the camera…?”
GM – “And 4 lenses? That would be very awkward.”
ASG – “How about hand carrying the computers, then?”
GM – “Wait. Do you mean to tell me that there’s no restriction on things I can carry onto the plane as long as they’re NOT in a bag?”
ASG – “Well, yes.”
GM – “Amazing! So, I can bring both of my computers and this knapsack of camera equipment onto the plane as long as I’m holding them in my hands outside of the case?”
ASG – “Of course. It’s not how much you have with you, but how many bags you have that we regulate. You could strap a Volkswagon to your ass and we’d let you through as long as you were only carrying a small bag along with it.”
GM – “Brilliant! So, I’ll just take out both of these very expensive laptops and carry them throughout the airport for everyone to see, will I? Along with my knapsack of super-expensive camera equipment?”
ASG – “Sounds good.”
GM – “Do you happen to have any bumper stickers?”
ASG – “Pardon?”
GM – “Well, I’d love to stick a bumper sticker on my forehead that says, ‘Stupid, tourist guy. Please mug me.”
ASG – “…”
GM – “Sigh. So, I’ll just take these laptops out and check my bag, then?”
ASG – “Yes. And please be quick about it. I’ve got puppies to kick and kittens to drown.”

Remember, when traveling overseas always check on the rules and regulations of EACH airport you’ll be going to and make sure you aren’t going to run into a problem like, for example, having too many carry-on bags to make it through security. Otherwise, you might find yourself standing at an airport urinal crying as you try and fail to balance two laptops on your head so you can pee.

And airport security people are mean. Just… mean.