Dropping The Bomb

Let me speak hypothetically for a moment.

Has anyone else out there ever noticed that the moment you think you’re alone in a public place you will almost always attempt to do some relatively disgusting bodily function? And you’ll almost always be completely embarrassed by a stranger the very next moment? For example, if you’ve spent the last hour clenching your butt cheeks in an effort to hold in what you honestly believe will be the world’s most devastatingly powerful expulsion of anal gas ever recorded in human history; you might think it’s a good idea to relax your constant vigilance the moment you stepped into an empty elevator.

You would be wrong.

You see, as you let loose with a monumental tribute to one-note brass tubas everywhere, that’s when the gremlins of fate would show up to cause you emotional pain and suffering unseen since you were in kindergarten and spilled your apple juice on the front of your jeans and were taunted with the name ‘BedWetter Peepeeface’ for the next two weeks.

Damn you Amy C., damn you to hell.

Anywaste, let’s get back to our story. As your malodorous biological attack on sinuses everywhere escaped from its not-quite hermetically sealed container, you might even have bent slightly at the waist and thrust your butt outwards to force as much air from your body as possible. You might have made the “Ahhhhh…” sound in ecstasy as the poo in gaseous form left your body. You may even have smiled.

And that’s just what those pesky gremlins were waiting for.

Because, just as you realize that the smell of your own fart is so strong that even you are forced to hold your breath, that’s when the elevator doors will open to a lobby FULL of people waiting to get on. And as they all enter the elevator, and as you see them blanch in disgust or quickly swallow as they vomit slightly in their mouths, the only thought running through your head is, “Thank god nobody on this elevator knows who I am.”

And right then someone from the back says, “Hey, GeekMan! Is that you?”

I really, REALLY hate those frickin gremlins.