I got my face kicked yesterday.
I don’t know what happened, but yesterday morning I woke up dead. Not just feeling dead, but actually, clinically deceased. I’m not kidding. I really think someone with a mucus covered baseball bat snuck into my bedroom and hit me repeatedly in the face until I was dead. And then, just because the person was a real mean bastard, they resurrected me only to beat me to death again. They may also have thrown buckets of ice water on me and super-glued my nostrils closed just to make my death that much more horribly annoying.
The bastard.
I really cannot convey to you with mere words the amazingly crazy sickness that overtook me yesterday. I actually needed HoBiscuit to help me get out of bed so I could eat some soup! Walking was nearly impossible and every time I sneezed my entire body convulsed and wave upon wave of icy cold shudders flowed across my body like an Antarctic tsunami.
My freaking goose bumps had goose bumps!
What’s even more amazing than my being that sick yesterday is that today, a mere 24 hours later, I am almost 100% better! I’m very tired and I feel like someone’s been using sandpaper on my throat, but otherwise I’m fine. No headache, no cold spells, no shakes, nothing. Talk about freaky! How can I have been so sick that I honestly thought I was going to die and then, only a day later, be able to walk around and work as if nothing happened? Am I dead? Am I some sort of resurrected, undead zombie now? Should I take to shuffling around the city moaning, “Braaaiiinzzz!†and attacking attractive, single women until someone puts me out of my misery by re-killing me?
Mmmm… brains.
And honestly, why is it always brains, anyway? What is it about a brain that drives zombies crazy? Why not the heart, or the kidneys or even the gallbladder? What happens to the brains after the zombie eats them? The zombies are dead so they can’t actually digest the brains, which means that after only a few feedings their bodies would literally be full to bursting with brains and they physically couldn’t eat any more. Then what? Do the zombies stop hunting for more brains and sit around waiting for the ones they already have to rot away? Do other zombies attack the brain-stuffed zombies to steal their eaten-but-not-digested brains? What about zombies without stomachs? Do the brains just keep falling out of them and do other zombies then pick up the brains and eat them? Can a zombie, who has eaten someone’s brains, simply reach into their own body and re-consume the same brains to satiate their hunger? Do zombies love? Can they get married? What kind of cake would be served at a zombie wedding? Who would DJ and what music would be played? Where would a newlywed zombie couple go for a honeymoon?
Hey. Why do I have a sudden craving for brains?
