Congratulations! Condolences! Congratulations!

It must run in the family.

Everyone in my family seems to really, truly enjoy mentally and emotionally torturing the people they love. Not just in a little way, either. Oh, no. We can’t seem to pass up any opportunity to destroy the mental stability of the people around us. And should someone be foolish enough to actually leave their emotions on the table for us to see, well let’s just say that we always carry around a special ‘Emotion Crushing Hammer Of Gotcha!’

Let me give you a perfect example.

Last night, after a wonderful evening of watching Shakespeare In The Park with his lovely girlfriend (Papaya), my brother (Fishman) was shocked to find himself being called up on stage. There, in front of a few hundred strangers, Papaya got down on one knee and presented Fishman with a beautiful bracelet and proposed to him.

Isn’t that sweet?

They’ve been together for six long years, a fricking lifetime for someone to put up with Fishman let me tell you, and I guess she finally got tired of waiting for him so she decided to take matters into her own hands. She probably decided this during one of the many, many discussions on the subject when I bet he said something to the effect of, “If you want to get married so badly, why don’t you propose to me?”

Isn’t he a bastard?

Now, I know Papaya pretty well and I bet she planned out the whole evening far in advance of the actual event. She probably planned out everything from what she would wear to what she would say and even various scenarios of what Fishman would say in response to ‘The Question’.

But I bet she never expected the reality.

You see, unbeknown to Papaya, Fishman had done some planning of his own. Knowing her and her stubborn nature he had purposely planted in her mind the thought of proposing to him. His reasons were threefold;

1. He knew that she would come up with something far more romantic and memorable than his idea of putting a ring inside a dead fish and smacking her in the head with it while screaming “Look out! That’s a North American Killer Proposal Fish! The only way to stop it from attacking you and eating your brains is to say ‘I do’ and then rip open its stomach and remove what’s inside! Quick! Say you’ll marry me or it’s going to eat through your skull and suck your brains!”
2. He needed to keep her from realizing that he had already begun shopping for a ring.
3. And because my brother is my brother, and he truly enjoys mentally & emotionally torturing those he loves. The bastard.

So, after making Papaya gather up the courage to reverse the customary roles and do the proposing herself, and making her shop for an engagement bracelet in ‘secret’, and having her plan a very romantic evening out with the man she loves, and arranging for a spectacular proposal in front of hundreds of people she didn’t know, my brother reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring he’d been constantly carrying around for the last two weeks.

Isn’t he a BASTARD!?

Well, luckily for Fishman she really does love him, because instead of beating the crap out of him and shoving that bracelet up his butt, she merely got misty eyed and said yes. He said yes in turn and the audience did what any audience would do in that situation and pelted them with rotten fruit and vegetables for their lousy performance and demanded their money back, even though it was a free concert.

Actually I think they all clapped, but the fruit would have been cool.

So, congratulations to my brother for finding himself a woman who loves him enough to forgive him after putting her through all that. And to Papaya, congratulations, I guess. More like condolences, actually. I don’t know what you’re thinking girl, but you should run away as quickly as you can. Don’t think even for a moment that it’s going to get any easier as the years go by. You’ve met our family, so you should realize that we’re ALL crazy. We ALL like our practical jokes and the mental games and emotional triathlons we put our loved ones through. Don’t believe me? I’ve got three words for you;

Grandma and Grandpa. ‘Nuff said.