Rants

No Ordinary Wednesday

• by GeekMan • In Bread, Breaking News, Experiments, Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Rants •   11

I’m not dead, yet.

It has come to my attention, through various IM chats, email with my virtual friends, and the tumbling tumbleweeds rolling through my server logs, that I’m not famous. No, no, don’t look so shocked. I know it might come as a surprise to some of you, but trust me when I tell you that it’s true nonetheless.

I know, I know. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

Anywaste, after talking it over with some people this morning, and thinking about it for a few hours this afternoon, I have finally come to understand what it would take for me to become a bigwig blog-type person. So, without further ado, here’s a list of what I need to do;

  • Write shorter entries
  • Post pictures of naked Boobies
  • Write more angry diatribes about unimportant minutia
  • Upload pictures of Breasts
  • Open up and tell people more about me
  • Show some Cleavage
  • Let Bread speak more often
  • Show really big Knockers in tight-fitting, wet t-shirts
  • Accept that I will not be funny all the time
  • Take pictures of small, fist-sized Boobs with erect, pencil-eraser-sized nipples and post them
  • Turn gay, or at least bi, and write about my sordid sex life
  • Boobies, Boobies, Boobies, Boobies!

Now, while I don’t have Boobies to take pictures of, or a sordid sex life to talk about, I think I might manage the other things on the list. Like making shorter entries, letting myself get angry and accepting the fact that I won’t always be funny. Like the time I peed in my friend’s pool and told everyone that the areas of warm water were due to global warming.

Sure, it’s funny now.

So, beginning tomorrow you will see a slowly evolving GeekMan website here. I’ll write shorter entries, try to reveal a little more about myself, and even do some ranting, bitching and moaning via Bread. Not everything I write will be explicitly for laughs anymore, but it will all be at least tongue-in-cheek. Things I won’t do are curse, discuss work (due to NDAs), or turn gay. Not even bi. HoBiscuit would not be amused. However, I will see what I can do about that Boobie thing.

Because, you know, they’re Boobies.

Dealing With The Devil

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Rants •   3

I really hate Micro$oft.

I was hoping to avoid using Micro$oft products as much as possible with my new computer, but today I had to crumble and purchase Office XP in order to secure some work coming up in December. It’s not that I have anything against Micro$oft per say, it’s just that I have this allergic reaction to the covert collection and dissemination of my personal and private information without my permission by large, faceless, big-brother type corporations via invasive ‘product registration’.

Makes me break out in hives, it does.

Anywaste, after doing a quick search online, I found that the cheapest price for Office XP Standard was around $390. I paid $350, thanks to a discount, and should receive my copy of this thinly disguised attack on my private information and personal identity tomorrow. To me, the price isn’t too unreasonable especially since I make a living using this stuff, but ever since the economy started spiraling down the toilet I’ve noticed that a lot of people are trying to save money however they can.

So I’m going to offer the world some free advice.

When you next order a computer do not have it pre-loaded with Micro$oft Office. Instead, try OpenOffice.org’s office suite, which is free, and see if you can live with it instead. As someone who is a power user of Micro$oft Office, I can honestly say that I didn’t miss a thing when I used OOO’s version of Word, Outlook and Excel and I doubt anyone would really notice the difference after only a single week of use. If it weren’t for the fact that my clients depend on PowerPoint slideshows for their meetings, I probably wouldn’t have ever even thought about buying Office again, so I heartily recommend the OOO product.

But wait, there’s more.

You see, hypothetically speaking, if someone were to discover that they absolutely, positively, needed to have Office in order to live, then I would still say to them, do not get Office pre-installed. Instead, still hypothetically speaking of course, go to your local software shop and purchase the Student version of Office. Now, I would never do such a thing myself because that would be ‘wrong’ and ‘deceitful’, but I have heard whispers of other, less virtuous, Geeks who have done this very thing. These scandalous characters have let it be known throughout all of Geekdom that the Student version of Office is the same full featured set of applications one gets when purchasing Office Standard, but at a massively discounted price of only $130.

Makes one wonder why Standard costs so much, no?

The New Deal

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Experiments, Rants •   5

Not being a great follower of the political climate in Washington DC, I still managed to summon the energy to do my civic duty and even managed to suppress my gag reflex long enough to watch the election coverage on my brand-spanking new digital cable enabled TV.

Oh yeah, 346 channels and TechTV. Geek Heaven, indeed.

Anywaste, I have my political beliefs and I’ve found through the years that although I sometimes agree with one party or the other on certain issues, neither party really reflects the totality of my political beliefs. It’s been irking me for some time now that there doesn’t really seem to be a political party that truly cares about what’s best for common Americans living their daily lives first, and then the big corporations and foreign governments, in that order.

And so I’m introducing a brand new political party. The Geek Party!

The Geek Party is a brand new political party and as such, we recognize the need to explain what we stand for to our small, but growing, constituency. Below are just a few of the key issues facing the people of America today and our proposed solutions.

  • The official symbol of the Geek Party is the Scorpion. We’re nice enough when left alone, but piss us off and we’ll sting you to death and then make a nest in your empty eye socket.
  • The Geek Party believes in edjumication, because the future depends on our chill’in bein smahtah den da udder chill’in of da whorld. That’s why we support corporate sponsored schools, because although the government might not be able to pay our teachers the salaries they deserve or create smaller classes for our children, we all know deep-pocketed and morally ambiguous corporations can. Drink Coke.
  • We also believe people should support themselves after retirement because lord knows Social Security is a crock of poo. That’s why, when elected to office, our party members will put forth the ‘Cut ’em Loose’ bill. In essence, this bill states that anyone born before December 31, 1950 will receive Social Security, but those born after that date are on their own and get no help from the government. Don’t come crying to us, moron. You’re the one who didn’t save for the future.
  • We recognize that most Americans hate taxes, but we also know that without taxes we wont get rich paid. Which is why we promise that we will introduce legislation that will abolish taxes. That’s right, no more taxes, ever. That’s because we’ll be changing the name from ‘taxes’ to ‘Mandatory Government Donations’. MGDs will begin at a nationwide flat rate of 45% with a 2% increase every three years until reaching the maximum of 85%. Their are no exemptions or write-offs for anyone earning more than $250K a year and we believe that Bill Gates’ MGD alone will pay off the nations debt. See? Everybody wins.
  • The Geek Party understands that small businesses are the heart of the American economy because they drive innovation and create new jobs. This is why we promise to regulate the crap out of any company with more than 500 employees and/or generating more than $1 billion a year. The first new law; upper management only gets paid if the company turns a profit. Period. Second law; all middle managers are to be publicly executed by rubber-band-gun wielding mailroom clerks and then chopped up and fed to the homeless.
  • The Geek Party is against the departments of Defense and the Office of Homeland Security as they are now known and wishes to disband those offices and create a new, improved department for dealing with the defense of America. This new office will be known as the Department of Retaliation and Annexation. It would be the DRAs goal to kick the ass of any country or group who ever threatens the US or our interests and then take over that country or group and rule with an iron fist. The DRA’s first order of business would be to annex Canada and Mexico, rename them Hockey and Greater Texas respectively and then turn their attention towards the Middle East. It is our belief that after seeing what we’re willing to do to our allies and neighbors, those countries with a ‘beef’ against America will be properly frightened and do their very best not to piss us off. If that doesn’t work, we’ll simply send some Bloggers out there and let them decimate the countryside with their vitriolic verbosity. Pack your bags Michele and Sekimori, your country needs you.
  • We acknowledge that health care in this country is horribly ineffective, so we will introduce bills to abolish the current health care system and create a brand new system in its place. First, any drug that treats the symptoms of a disease or illness must be made freely available to any and all patients, free of charge. Only those drugs or treatments that actively cure the disease or illness may be charged for by the drug companies. Secondly; all doctors must perform a certain number of free procedures or do a certain number of hours of community health service a year based on their yearly income. This is mandatory, so suck it up, Mr. Fancy Doctor with the brand new Porsche.
  • The Geek Party also believes in saving the environment, which is why we will invest heavily in the space program. The sooner we build a space station or moon base and get all the humans off this planet, the better. Right, Mister Bigglesworth? Riiiiight.

If a specific issue that’s close to your heart hasn’t been addressed by the preceding list of the most common issues facing American voters, then please write us and we’ll do our best to ignore your question and entice you to donate to our party anyway. If you wish to join our new party then leave us a comment and a small donation of 33,529,999,999.75 Romania Lei via PayPal and we’ll be happy to keep the money.

Thank you for your support.

At Least I Tried

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, Rants, Wedding •   3

“Hello.”
“Hi. My name is GeekMan and I’m calling to find out some information about hosting a wedding at your facilities.”
“Certainly, Miss GeekMan. And congratulations. What would you like to know?”
“Uh, my name is GeekMan. I’m not a miss, I’m a mister.”
“Oh! I’m terribly sorry, sir. For a moment there you sounded like a… Ah, what I meant to say is that I’ve been dealing with women all morning and I just went on autopilot there for a moment. Ha. Ha.”
[Dr. Evil voice] “Riiiiiight.”
“Ahem, so, how can I help you, sir?”
“I’d like to know how many people you can accommodate, the estimated price per person and whether you’re available on [date] next year.”
“…”
“Hello?”
“Yes, I’m still here. I was just wondering, are you sure you’re not a girl?”
“What?”
“Well, it’s just that the guys usually avoid this tedious task of calling around to get the price lists of reception sites.”
“So?”
“And, well… You really sound like a woman.”
“I do not! I’ll have you know I have a very manly voice. It’s just this cheap phone…”
“So you don’t really sound as nasal and whiny in person?”
“Whiny?!? Nasal?!? I do not whine!”
“See? Right there. That was a definite whine.”
“Was not!”
“Yes, it was. Now tell the truth, you’re a lesbian couple, aren’t you?”
“No! I’m a man and I’m marrying my fiance! Now stop with the insults and tell me your prices so I can turn you down and hang up already.”
“You’re really not a girl?”
“Yes.”
“Swear?”
“Yeah, I swear. I’m not a girl. I’m a guy, with a really big penis, ok?”
“…”
“Oh for crying out loud. Now what?”
“Have you ever seen ‘My Cousin Vinny’?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You sounded just like the woman from that movie. You know, ‘My biological clock is ticking like this…’?”
“Marisa Tomei?”
“Yeah! Her! You sounded just like her. All nasal and stuff.”
“I can’t believe this.”
“She’s awesome. I loved that movie. Come on, say that line. Say it.”
“I will do no such thing, you wacko!”
“Oooo! I love the Sopranos! Tell me you’re gonna whack somebody. Do it!”
“Listen, I just called to get the price list. If that’s inconvenient right now, I could always call again after you’ve seen a shrink or something.”
“Now you’re Woody Allen! You’re great!”
“No! I’m not doing impersonations! I just want the frickin price list, you psychopathic woman!”
“You want the price list?”
“Yes!”
“No price list until you do De Niro.”
“What?”
“You heard me. You want the list, I want De Niro.”
“That… That’s blackmail!”
“Whatever. Come on, say something like De Niro does in Analyze This.”
“This is crazy…”
“Come on! Ooo! I know! Do that line from Taxi Driver!”
[hangs up phone]
“Hello? Hello?”
“Did he hang up?”
“Yep.”
“Not bad. Three minutes and 28 seconds, the longest time a guy’s put up with your crap. He must have really needed this price list.”
“Ha! I bet he gets into deep crapola with his fiance for not getting our price list.”
“Poor schmuck.”
“Yeah, I almost feel sorry for him.”
[both together] “ALMOST!”
“Hahahahahahahahaha!”

Your Honor, I Can Explain

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Poetry, Rants •   2

The life of a Geek is never normal.

Let me give you an example. Saturday night a whole bunch of friends came over to visit HoBiscuit and I in our new apartment for the very first time. We had food and drink and a massive X-Box Halo bloodfest. By the end of the night there was a whole lot of garbage that needed to be disposed of, including the battered and bloody egos of some of my friends when Bread showed up unannounced and trashed us all using only the wimpy Needler. It wasn’t until everyone had left that I remembered garbage collection day was not until Tuesday night! That meant I would have to hold on to the three large & smelly bags of trash for three whole days before I could throw them away.

This was absolutely unacceptable to the dainty and cleanly HoBiscuit.

In a fit of devilishly clever brilliance my sweet woman not only devised a method of throwing out the trash on our non-trash day, but also figured out how to do it without getting her own hands dirty in the process.

“Honey?”
“Yes, my sweet HoBiscuit?”
“Are you going to bed now?”
“Well, seeing as how I’m in my pajamas in our completely dark bedroom and lying next to you in our soft & warm bed, I would think the answer is obvious.”
“Aren’t you afraid that the garbage will attract bugs?”
“There’s not much I can do about it right now, sweetie. It’s not our garbage night.”
“…”
“…”
“Honey?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“Are you the Man?”
“…”
“Well?”
“I’m wondering if my answer will improve my chances of getting lucky tonight.”
“That all depends on your answer.”
“I see.”
“So, are you the Man?”
“With the understanding that I know I’m digging a hole for myself, even if I don’t know exactly how yet, I have to say ‘yes’. I am the Man. Why?”
“Because real men take out the garbage.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen of the court, explains why I was wandering the streets at four AM on a Sunday morning in the rain, wearing nothing but my pajamas, holding three giant-sized, black trash bags and cursing my ‘Ho’. Now, if it will please the court, I would like to take a moment to pound these shards of broken glass into my own gonads using a rubber mallet while chanting “I Am Not The Man” to the tune of the Lumberjack Song.

I am not the Man
And that’s OK
I treat her right
Till I go insane…

An Open Letter To USPS

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   5

Dear USPS Person,

I am writing you this note in the hopes of clarifying a couple of confounding conundrums that have cropped up ever since your delivery of Big Ugly Brown Box A, or BUBBA, at my address. Now, while I’m completely satisfied with the speed at which BUBBA appeared at my door, and everything contained within BUBBA appears to be working properly, I am a little confused about the package itself. You see, my goods were originally shipped in a Small Nice Off-White Package, or SNOW P for short.

Perhaps you can now see my confusion.

SNOW P was shipped on Monday morning, with my very expensive electronic home theater component safely and snugly packaged within. Plenty of Styrofoam, bubble-wrap and other anti-damage precautions were used to make sure said audio component would arrive at my door in one piece and without harm. I know this because the component was shipped to me in the manufacturers original box and they pride themselves in their attention to shipping procedure for their products.

Yet, it was BUBBA that arrived at my door Tuesday evening. Hmmmm.

I can only conclude that, sometime between getting picked up and being dropped off, something tragic happened to SNOW P. Perhaps, on your way to your usual delivery route, you were abducted by aliens and subjected to weird, sexual experiments and were able to escape only after discovering the aliens’ inherent fear of white cardboard. Or, maybe you were caught in a freak llama stampede in Queens and, recalling a story you read in National Geographic while sitting on the toilet, knew that the only way to survive was to use a white cardboard box as a shield to ward off the angry llamas.

You know, Captain America style.

In any case, SNOW P disappeared and BUBBA rose up to take its place. I’m not disparaging BUBBA, because I’m sure that BUBBA is a fine cardboard box, but it does puzzle me that BUBBA is so amazingly large. In comparison to SNOW P, BUBBA is frickin huge! To put this into perspective, BUBBA looks to be able to accommodate an item roughly the size of a 42” TV, while SNOW P was roughly the size of a DVD player.

Double Hmmmm.

Now, all of this would have been fine if it weren’t for one other teensy, tiny problem with BUBBA. You must understand that the audio component contained within SNOW P was very expensive and fragile, which would explain its unusually high level of anti-damage packaging. One would think that if SNOW P had somehow become damaged beyond repair in transit, that upon seeing the amount of precautionary packaging around said audio component, whoever it was that repackaged it within BUBBA would have taken great care to keep it safe from harm.

But alas, this was not to be.

Contained within BUBBA were some connection wires, the user manual and my very expensive audio component. That’s all. No bubble-wrap, or Styrofoam, or any anti-damage precautions besides air pressure and prayer. The simple fact that my component works at all is a testament to the manufacturers build quality and not to BUBBA’s usefulness as a protective measure.

In essence, BUBBA sucks.

In light of all of the above, I would like to make a suggestion for you should you ever need to re-pack something else in the future. Feel free to share this bit of wisdom with your fellow delivery people and, in fact, with any and all people you might ever come into contact with who are sending a package through the mail.

There’s no such thing as too much Styrofoam and/or bubble-wrap.

Now, lest you believe this is the end of this, let me assure you that the manufacturer and I are going to be lodging formal complaints with the USPS. And, just in case you decided to skip the rest of this letter and only read the last paragraph or two, let me sum up this letter in 25 words or less, just for you.

Use your frickin brains, Jackhole. It says ‘fragile’ right on the frickin box, you frickin stupid frick.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
GeekMan

I Can’t Stop Smiling

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Rants •   8

Sweet joy.

My new computer, christened ‘GunBuster’ this morning, is a fully functional thing of beauty. She’s got all 512 MB of RAM that I ordered, too. I can’t begin to explain to you how thrilling it is to turn on my computer and not need to bring a book to read while it boots up. I’m serious. I used to read a chapter each time my old computer crashed and if I needed to reconfigure something I made sure to have War and Peace handy.

Unabridged.

The only thing that gives me the willies is that due to work requirements, I had to get WinXP installed. WinXP looks ok, I guess, and everything works pretty well so far, but I hate the fact that this little balloon keeps popping up telling me I’ve only got 25 days left to ‘Activate’ my copy of WinXP. Apparently, I can do this by contacting Micro$oft and giving them full access to my computer and all of its files.

Wait, another balloon just popped up…

This one says that since I’m such a Geek, in addition to the regular electronic, internet based product activation, I also need to send a self addressed stamped envelope to Micro$soft with the following materials; my name, address, phone number, age, stool sample, DNA sample, penis size, drivers license, social security number, sexual preference, mothers maiden name, all of my credit card numbers, deed to my home or signed apartment lease, my first born child/favorite pet/sexual partner, and a signed contract stating that I have never and will never install Linux on any computer I ever purchase under penalty of death.

I must also purchase a solid gold Bill Gates idol and spend 3 hours a day licking his golden anus.

Micro$soft is quick to assure me that all of this is necessary for the stability and well being of my computer. They are only trying to protect me and others like me from unscrupulous hackers who are out to pirate Micro$oft software, and thus my personal files, in an all out effort to take over the world. Micro$oft is confident that only criminals or little mice with genius IQ’s would ever try to pirate software for such nefarious reasons, and so they know I’ll be a good consumer and do whatever they tell me to do. No matter how outlandish, invasive or downright stupid it may seem at the time.

Well, that sounds perfectly legal to me.

GunBuster!Anywaste, tonight I’m going to sit in front of GunBuster and simply bask in the glow of its (haven’t decided if it’s a girl or a boy, yet.) extra-bright, blinking, blue LED power indicators. Then I think I’ll go to bed and dream of having enough money to buy the PhotoShop and Macromedia upgrades that I so desperately want. And, just so you’ll understand how much of a loser I am, I’ve actually taken a picture of GunBuster so all of you can become properly jealous of my awesome, L337 ©0mpµ73®.

I’m such a pathetic Geek, aren’t I?

The Reason Why I Have No Life

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   5

The time is 3:24am. The place, GeekMan’s living room. The only light is coming from the TV which is showing a vast, computer generated battleground. Two figures sit motionless in front of the TV except for their hands, which are furiously pounding on two Ex-Boxx controller pads.

[GeekMan dies as Bread’s Shotgun blows a hole in his chest]

“Dammit.”

“Hey Bub, aren’t you tired?”

“No way, Bread. You’re not getting away that easily.”

“What are you talking about, dorkface? We’ve been playing Halo for the last nine hours and I’m getting a little tired of kicking your behind. I just figured you might want to take a break. You know, for food, or sleep maybe.”

“I’m not tired. I want to keep playing until I win.”

“How are you going to win when I keep doing this?”

[GeekMan dies as Bread tags him with a grenade]

“Dammit!”

“Give it up, Nerdboy. You’re never going to win, I’m just too good for you. You haven’t even killed me yet.”

“I did too kill you! What about game 23 when I blew you up?”

“Blew me up?!? Get real, King Loser. I shot you with the rocket launcher and after you died I accidentally shot the rock I was standing behind. Suicide doesn’t count as a kill.”

“It does too count! And the only reason I’m not doing well is this stupid controller, ok? It keeps moving.”

“It’s supposed to do that you idiot. That’s why they call it a ‘Force Feedback’ controller. It vibrates when certain things happen in the game.”

“…”

“What?”

“Heh, I know a few girls who…”

“Shut up. You’re such a pathetic Geek you probably believe you’re the first person to think of that.”

“Well, maybe I am! Did you think of that, Mr. Smartypants?”

“Nope. Are you sure you’re not hungry?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re about to eat a rocket.”

[GeekMan is blown up by Bread’s rocket launcher]

“Dammit!”

“Tell me something, Bub. Is losing hard? Because you make it look so easy.”

“Keep laughing, you bastard. Just you wait till I re-spawn.”

“That’s what, 416 kills for me and a big, tasty donut hole for you? Don’t you want to call it quits?”

“It’s just not fair! I’ve only got the stupid Needler and you found a rocket launcher. The Needler sucks!”

“That’s good, because you suck, too.”

“That’s not funny. I know! How about in the next game you get the plasma pistol and I get the rocket launcher?”

“Good lord, you really are the worst loser in the history of gaming.”

“Just because you’ve played the game more than me doesn’t mean I’m a loser! I know I can beat you, I just need some time to practice.”

“Practice? Practice?!? I’m a piece of bread you moron! I don’t even have thumbs!”

“Well maybe that’s why you’re winning. I’ve heard that having no thumbs is an advantage in Halo. All the real pro’s break their thumbs off just to have an edge during competition.”

[uncomfortable silence]

“You don’t honestly expect me to believe that, do you?”

“How else would you explain it then? I’m losing a video game to my imaginary friend!”

“I am not your friend! You take that back!”

“Imaginary antagonist then! Does that make you feel better you big, ugly, stupid poopyface?”

“No. But this will.”

[GeekMan is shot in the head by Bread’s Sniper Rifle]

“DAMMIT!”

10 Embarrassing Things I Have Done In A Movie Theater

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   6
  • Made the entire theater do the Macarena
  • While on a date, spilled a full, giant-sized cup of soda on my shoes and, as I leaned down to pick up the cup, somehow managed to dump an entire super-sized bag of popcorn on the back of my head
  • Started a massive 500+ person sing-a-long to Billy Joel’s ‘Piano Man’
  • Made out on the balcony during a G rated Disney movie (I still feel dirty)
  • Fallen into a deep, loud, snore inducing sleep because the theater was air-conditioned and my apartment wasn’t
  • Dressed in drag, danced and sung along to the movie
  • Eaten a full meal consisting of a whole fried chicken, potatoes, green beans and a large soda and shared it with the stranger who was the only other person watching the movie with me
  • Gotten into a screaming match with the projectionist
  • After paying for my ticket, waited in the lobby because I was too scared to watch the movie (I was 10)
  • Attempted to be cool and impress a girl with my studly Fonzie-ness by jumping seats to get from my row to hers so I could ask her on a date and instead tripped and fell face first into her mini-skirt covered lap

My god, I am such a loser.

Super Secret Government Meetings

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   4

What’s a Geek to do?

I want to Blog almost every day, but every day something new crops up that demands my attention and I need to put off updating my site for just a bit longer. It’s almost like a conspiracy. A massive government cover-up to thwart my every attempt to corrupt the minds of the world with my amazingly inane and pathetically un-humorous drivel.

I can just imagine what the secret meeting would be like.

“OK Dick, thanks for coming to my office.”

“What are we doing today Dubya?”

“Well Dick, it seems that GeekMan is trying to write another one of his silly little posts and we don’t want to let him do that. National Security and all that.”

“Why the hell not? He seems pretty harmless to me. He’s not even that funny.”

“No he’s not. But he’s not harmless, either. He tries to hide it, but we now know he’s really an agent working for the elite forces of the New Guinean National Bureau of Super-Duper Top Secrets. How else can you explain how he knew I was using Miss Cleo?”

“Ok, so what should we do? You want he should ‘disappear’?”

“Nothing like that. Let’s just keep him so busy that he can’t take the time to write anything.”

“OK, so I gather you want me to get him hired for work somewhere or have some of our ‘people’ show him some promising new apartments and then snatch them away at the last minute?”

“That sounds good. And also, you should make sure his girlfriend, the one he calls biscuit-something…”

“HoBiscuit, you moron.”

“HoBiscuit?”

“Yeah, HoBiscuit.”

“That’s a stupid name.”

“No worse than Dubya.”

“I wouldn’t be so quick to judge, Dick.”

“Listen you idiot…”

“Whatever. Just make sure that his girl has a couple of really bad days at work so she can be cranky. That always makes him forget to post.”

“Ok. Fine. Is that all?”

“No, Dick. That is not all. I also think I should do another speech or something. You know, something about the evil people over there in Saudi Afghanistanabia. Or Al Kay-duh.”

“Yeah right, Dubya. As if anyone actually listens to you and your little speeches.”

“That’s enough out of you, Dick. I’m the President of the YOU-nited States of ‘Merica and you’d better listen to me or you’ll be in trouble.”

“I’ll listen when you can spell ‘President’ without a teleprompter.”

“You think you’re so smart. Let’s see you out-think the back of my hand you old, ugly sum-bitch.”

“Bring it on you dumb, monkey-looking daddy’s boy.”

“Don’t talk about my daddy!”

“Or what? You gonna call him and cry, sissy-boy?”

I don’t need my pappy for the likes of you, Dick!”

[Dubya slaps Dick]

“Your daddy’s not here to bail you out this time, Dubya!”

[Dick slaps Dubya]

“I’m calling my daddy!”

“I’ll kick his ass, too!”

[begin sissy slap-fight sequence]

Dear god, what has become of me? I promise, my next update will be more entertaining than dumping a bucketful of live prawns into your pants.

And who doesn’t love doing the Prawns-In-My-Pants Dance?