Rants

Going Post-Nasal

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   7

I have post-nasal drip.

Do you know what that is? Post-nasal drip is when snot drips down your throat due to leakage from the back of your nose. I know what you’re thinking, but get past the disgust factor and you know what? You’ve got an open phlegm-faucet in your throat that’s constantly pouring a fresh supply of wannabe-snot down your breathing and eating tubes.

Basically, you’re constantly eating your own snot.

Do you know how fricking annoying it is to be constantly eating your own snot? It’s not as if I enjoy it, you know. Snot is not at the top of my list of favorite foods, it doesn’t even make the top 100. I mean, when’s the last time you heard of anyone entering a fast food restaurant and saying, “I’ll have the Big Phlegm Happy Meal with a side order of Coagulated Blood-fries and a coke, please. Oh, and that order’s to go.”

Mmm-mmmm. Now that’s good eating.

Even worse than eating it though, is feeling it constantly dripping down my throat. It both tickles and repulses me every time I swallow. I find myself constantly clearing my throat in the hopes of dislodging the mucus, but no matter how obnoxiously I make the “Heh-HEGH!” noise, nothing ever comes up.

And if you think that’s bad, it’s even worse at night.

That’s because when I go to bed the slow drip becomes a fricking flood. I find myself swallowing twice as much as normal for fear of drowning on my own snot while I’m asleep. Then, just when I think I might have the whole breath/swallow ratio figured out well enough to actually sleep, the stupid snot begins drying out in my throat! That makes even breathing painful plus I start coughing as if I had swallowed a duck with bronchitis! Right now I’m so frustrated with my nasal passages that I hate them. In fact, I hate every thing today. I hate my nose, I hate tissues with aloe, I hate daytime TV, I hate people, I hate you, I hate life, but most of all I hate, HATE, HATE post-nasal drip!

Aaargh! I’m out of fricking tissues again! Damn you, poetic irony!

Financial Rant #826

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   2

*Warning*

The following rant is not particularly funny. It’s a real, honest-to-crappiness rant about mortgages and really, how funny can one make a mortgage rant sound? It’s also meant to help inform other self-employed individuals like me who might be looking into purchasing a home. So, if you read this post be prepared for informative silliness, not a funny story. But don’t worry, I’ll be funny tomorrow. Promise. Thank you for your indulgence.
Continue reading →

Lump

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Rants, Traveling •   6

I checked into my hotel room at 11pm.

Doesn’t sound ominous, does it? If I were in a movie however, that sentence would be accompanied by an extreme close-up of my frightened eyes and some scary music because what happened to me when I opened my hotel room door was very scary indeed.

I saw a man in my room.

That in and of itself is usually a little scary because, you know, finding a stranger in a room you thought would be empty can be a disconcerting to almost anyone. But it wasn’t just that I saw someone in my room when I thought it would be empty that sent me screaming from that wretched place, vomiting up my own bile-covered lower intestines in disgust. No. It wasn’t even the fact that said man was overweight and out of shape. Nope. It wasn’t even that he happened to be asleep, snoring like a rusty chainsaw on the only bed in the room, completely covered in sweaty body hair and nothing else that caused my eyes to spontaneously burst of their own accord like giant, overripe, festering boils. What was it then, that caused such a violent reaction from moi, The Mighty Geek?

The fat, ugly naked man was sleeping on top of the hotel bedspread!

Oh god, just writing this for you is conjuring images in my mind that are close to overpowering my gag reflex. I should have doused the poor man in gasoline and set him ablaze to put him out of my his misery. Obviously the poor man was mentally impaired, or emotionally unstable, to have even touched one of those wretched, disease infected things and I would have been doing the world a favor by removing him from the gene pool. Instead, I quickly closed the door, went back down to the front desk and asked for another room. When the attendant asked me what was wrong with my current room we had the following conversation;

Hotel Clerk:
“I’m terribly sorry sir, but the computer says the room is unoccupied. Are you sure there was someone already in that room?”
GeekMan:
“Well, miss. Either there was someone in there already, or this hotel has a massive roach problem. Which one would you prefer it to be when I write about my stay here on the internet?”
Hotel Clerk:
“I see. Allow me to give you one of our suites to compensate you for the inconvenience of finding another human being already occupying your room.”
GeekMan:
“That’s what I’m talking about.”

See people? With the right motivation, communicating with lower life forms is possible!

Stupid Telemarketer, Tricks Are For Kids

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   6

[ringing telephone – the clock says 8:43am]

GeekMan:
[groggily]
“Hello?”

Telemarketer:
“HELLO Mr. GeekMan! My name is Jackhole and I’m calling to offer you an EXCITING opportunity to have The New York Times DELIVERED TO YOUR HOME for the low, low price of only $3.99 for the first 8 weeks!!! And that INCLUDES the Sunday edition! Doesn’t that sound WONDERFUL, Mr. GeekMan?!”

GeekMan:
[thinking fast]
“Wait a moment… Jackhole, right?”

Jackhole:
“Yes sir, that’s my name! Jackhole!!!”

GeekMan:
“Well Jackhole, first off let me say I’m glad you called because the other day I was reading the paper and thought how nice it would be to have it delivered instead of having to go out and buy it every other day.”

Jackhole:
[audibly salivating]
“Well sir, that’s just GREAT!!!!!! Will you be paying with a credit card today, OR would you like us to bill you later?!”

GeekMan:
[smiling to himself]
“Woah… Slow down there, Jackhole. Not so fast. I want to hear about the other options first. You know; like if I only want the Sunday paper and not the other days’ papers delivered, or something like that. But more importantly, I’d like to know what it’s going to cost me if I continue to get the paper delivered past the 8 week introductory period.”

Jackhole:
[shooting his wad at the thought of such an easy sale]
“WELL Mr. GeekMan, I’d be HAPPY to tell you all about our delivery options!! Firstly, you can have the ENTIRE WEEK’S PAPERS delivered…”

GeekMan:
[barely able to hold back his laughter]
“Wait a second there, Jackhole! I can’t remember all this so I’m going to need to write it down. Can you hold on for a second while I go get a pen and paper?”

Jackhole:
[having a second orgasm at the thought of today’s commission check]
“Absolutely, sir!!!”

GeekMan:
“You hold on then, I found some paper here but I still need a pen. I’m going to get a pen and I’ll be right back, ok?”

Jackhole:
[probably wiping himself off with a tissue]
“OK sir! You GO GET THAT PEN and I’ll be here when you get back!!!!!”

GeekMan:
“Ok Jackhole. Don’t you hang up now, I’ll be right back. I promise.”

[GeekMan puts the phone on mute and goes back to sleep]

Loosing Touch

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Geek Life, Rants •   4

Cable modem go bye-bye.

Being that I am such a Geek, I should have seen this coming. I should have known that as soon as I wanted to start writing my long posts again that something would happen to make my doing so nearly impossible. Some goddess above or demon below would conspire to thwart my hopeless desire to do something creative with my otherwise wasted time.

And so, I have lost my cable connection to the web.

What’s even worse is that the useless people at the cable company won’t be able to come to my home and fix this problem until October 1st. And, because I am so angry right now I could poop in a paper bag, set it on fire on their front porch, ring their doorbell and run away, I will NOT mention my cable company by name. Let’s just say that they’re named after an annoying cartoon bird that is chased around the desert by a very hungry coyote and leave it at that, ok? Stupid coyote should just buy a gun and shoot the damn bird already.

“Beep-beep!” BANG. Dead. Just like that.

So, if you don’t hear from me for the next week or so, you now know why. I’ve had to go to the local coffeehouse chain in order to post this on the web and I hate coffee. Especially when it’s overpriced, weirdly named coffee at $7 a cup. Honestly, doesn’t anyone else think that asking for a ‘double shot, extra-foam, cinnamon-mango grande latte’ is astoundingly pretentious? What? You don’t? Really? Oh, this is just great. Now all you coffee freaks are going to be clamoring for my nads in a basket.

Deep-fried. With a side of garlic mash and a cola. Yummy.

Nanotechnology Saves The World

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   5

And no, this doesn’t have anything to do with curing cancer.

Don’t get me wrong, curing cancer (or The Cancer, as my grandparents call it) is probably the noblest reason for creating nanotechnology one could ever ask for. Using tiny, microscopic robots to attack and destroy anything is super-freaky cool in and of itself. But having a one nanometer tall Techno-Godzilla beating the crap out of a cancer cell in your colon would be so cool that I think they should film it for a new Fox TV series called, ‘Micro Monster Deathmatch: LIVE!’. Ha! Imagine tiny, humanoid cancer cells pointing at the sky and screaming in fear as they run from their burning Cancer City before the might of the NanoMonsters.

“Godzirrah! Godzirrah! AHHhhhh!!!”
Continue reading →

Warning Signals

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Rants •   10

There ought to be a Law.

Women should have to go through life with a rattle. And I don’t mean some sort of baby rattle that they shake when they want something brought to them by the studly Cabana Boy at their weekend country club, either. I’m talking about a scary rattle, not unlike that of a cornered rattlesnake. A rattle so frightening that the instant you hear it you’ll break out in a sweat so cold that you’re almost thankful for the spreading warmth of your suddenly soiled undergarments.

Now isn’t that a delightful image?

Women should be made to shake this rattle every time they say something that sounds reasonable and calm, but is actually dangerous and insane. Shall I give you an example?

GeekMan: “Hey Honey, I’m going out to see the guys tonight for dinner. I’ll be back around 11pm, k?”
HoBiscuit [angry]: “What? But we were supposed to be spending tonight together! I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks!”
GeekMan: “Oh Honey, I forgot! I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I forgot about that, but the guys have tickets to (something) and you know how much I like (something)… Would you like me to call the guys and tell them I can’t go? I could do that, or I could make it up to you tomorrow.”
HoBiscuit [angrier]: “You forgot?! About me?!”
GeekMan: “No HoBiscuit, I didn’t forget about you. I only forgot that we were going to stay in tonight because the guys told me about (something) and I got all excited to see (something). I’ll call them and cancel, it’s not a problem and they’ll understand. If you let me go though, I promise to make it up to you tomorrow, ok?”
HoBiscuit [suddenly very calm and understanding]: “Fine. You go out with the guys and I’ll stay home tonight.”
GeekMan [wary]: “Are you sure, because I could always tell the guys I can’t make it. I know what tonight meant to you and I have no problem ditching the guys. You’re MUCH more important to me than they are.”
HoBiscuit [nonchalant]: “No. You go out and have a good time. I’ll be just fine. Really.”
[rattle]

See? SEE?! That rattle sound would have saved my fricking life!

Winds Of Change

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Poetry, Quickie, Rants, Serious, Traveling •   11

For there’s a change in the weather, there’s a change in the sea,
So from now on there’ll be a change in me
My walk will be different, my talk and my name,
Nothing about me is going to be the same
I’m going to change my way of living if that ain’t enough,
Then I’ll change the way I strut my stuff
Cause nobody wants you when you’re old and gray
There’ll be some changes made today,
There’ll be some changes made

For there’s a change in the fashions, ask the feminine folks,
Even Jack Benny has been changing jokes,
I must make some changes from old to the new,
I must do some things the same as others do
I’m going to change my long tall Mama for a little short fat,
Going to change the number where I live at
I must have some loving or I’ll fade away
There’ll be some changes made today
Oh, there’ll be some changes made
Continue reading →

Plumber: 1, GeekMan: 0

• by GeekMan • In Rants •   3

I hate plumbers.

Two days ago there was a note attached to the front door of my building stating that the people directly below my apartment on the first floor had a leak coming through their bathroom ceiling. Knowing that my apartment had no leaks, I merely laughed at their misfortune and promptly forgot about it. Yesterday, as I was entering the building I saw yet another note on the front door. This one however was from the management;

“Due to the leaks being reported in the building, the management has called for a plumber who will be arriving tomorrow (Thursday) and inspecting ALL APARTMENTS between the hours of 7am to 12pm. Please make the appropriate arrangements to allow him access to your apartment.”

Seven am?! Seven am?! Seven-fricking-o’clock in the mothah-fricking morning?! That means I might actually be out of bed before the sun rises! That’s not natural! It’s inhumane! It goes against the Geek Code of Slumbering Sloths and on top of that, it’s just plain wrong, dammit! Needless to say, I did not laugh as the alarm went off at 6am this morning and abruptly ended my much needed beauty sleep. And of course, the plumber never showed up just like we all knew he wouldn’t.

Bastard.

Laundry Pixies

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, HoBiscuit, Rants •   7

I don’t understand.

Last week, HoBiscuit and I did the laundry together, leaving behind nothing unwashed. Today we once again have a full hamper. Nothing strange or noteworthy about that since we do tend to wear clothing during the normal course of our day, but what is strange is that all of the clothes in the hamper appear to be mine.

Say, “Wha?”

Did I miss something here? Is HoBiscuit doing her laundry at 4am while I’m asleep, or something? Do we have Laundry Pixies? How the heck can I, and only I, have a basket full of dirty clothes when HoBiscuit goes to work in a different outfit every morning while I lie in bed in my pajamas until noon?

Elementary math says this just doesn’t add up!

I count eight pairs of my shorts, ten of my shirts, my workout clothes, my pajamas and a whole slew of my socks and underwear, and all I see here that belongs to HoBiscuit are about two hundred pairs of panties! Ladies, help me out here. One of you, please, have pity on this poor Geek and explain to him why his woman has no dirty laundry to speak of after a whole week of wearing clothes. It’s driving me insane!

For the love of llamas, there aren’t even any BRAS!