Poetry

Happy (Belated) Bloggerversary!

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Poetry •   5

Once again, my attempt to mark my Bloggerversary with a rhyme fails miserably.

It happened just the other day
That is, the 17th of May
But no one even stopped to say
Happy Bloggerversary!

Now’s your chance, so don’t delay
Click ‘comment’ and type away
That will help me celebrate
My Happy Bloggerversary!

It was two years ago that day
That I, The Geek, came out to play
And now it’s time for a par-TAY
Cause it’s my Bloggerversary!

To show my joy I dance and sway
HoBiscuit begins to pray
Bread just laughs and calls me gay
But it’s my Bloggerversary!

Show me love, send links my way
Or else a medium fillet
How about a box of clay?
It’s my Bloggerversary!

I could stand to lose some weight
And llamas like orange sorbet
Something, something, something yay
Something Bloggerversary…

Hmmm… at times like this I’m really, really happy that I’m not a professional songwriter.

And I bet you are, too.

It’s That Time Again

• by GeekMan • In Poetry, Quickie, Traveling •   3

I am very tired.

I’m headed to the airport in a few hours to catch a plane down to Boca Raton, FL where I’ll be subjected to all sorts of client whims and fancies as I do my little freelancer song and dance for another paycheck. Since I don’t know if I’ll have the time to update while I’m away, I thought it would be nice for me to leave you a warning about the probable lack of content until Thursday of next week.

And, uh… I’ve done that now so…

…

Ahem. Soooo…

…

Hey, why the hell are you still reading this? What? You’re waiting for me to get to the funny? What funny? I have no funny. There’s no funny to read here. Move along now. Go on! Run along home! Go ahead. Beat it kid, ya bother me. Scram! Get lost. Shoo.

…

Dammit. You’re still here.

Well, if you’re that starved for entertainment, let me try scaring you away with some of my Horrible Self-Serving Haiku (Patent Pending).

Notebook conundrum
A decision must be made
I await your thoughts

I’ll be back Thursday
Don’t forget to leave a tip
Thank you and goodnight

Do They Know It’s Blogging Time

• by GeekMan • In Poetry •   17

I’d link to the original song (Do They Know It’s Christmas by Band Aid) but I can’t seem to find it on the net right now.

It’s Blogging time
There’s no one to Blog today
At Blogging time
They try to write but they feel the shame
And if their Blogs are empty
They can spread a smile of joy
Show their boobs around the world
At Blogging time!

But still I pray
Pray for another one
At Christmastime, it’s hard
But while you’re having fun
There’s a world reading your website
And it’s a world of dread and fear
Where the only entries showing
Say, “I’ll see you all next year!”
And the commenters that write there
Are all asking, “Where are you?”
Well tonight this Blog is saying SHAME ON YOU!

And there won’t be posts from Canada this Blogging time
No Sarah, Billegible or Mike
(Noooo)
Where’s Gretchen Pirillo?
Michele, Robyn, Myo?
Do they know it’s Blogging time at all?

JadedJu
Peter, D and Solonor
Where’s Christine?
What is Stacy waiting for?
Do they know it’s Blogging time at all?

Free the words
Free the words
Free the words
Let them know it’s Blogging time again
Free the words
Let them know it’s Blogging time again

Repeat then fade

Have a Merry Holiday, everyone!

The Game Is Afoot!

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Poetry •   5

I have thrown down the gauntlet.

Mike and I are ‘competing’ in a Christmas Song Parody Smackdown. Now, I may have written him a little email challenge yesterday trying to taunt him into this, but I do have the utmost respect for his comedic writing skills and am honestly impressed with most of what he writes. So of course, I would never, ever liken his most recent parody effort to the cruddy, flakey, white stuff that gathers on the sides of your mouth when you’re dying of thirst. I mean, his song’s alright as far as parodies go, but definitely not his best.

To quote him, “It’s quite good, for a first draft.”

That’s why I honestly believe his latest post was simply a practice run. A testing of the waters, so to speak. I’m sure that he’s just warming up, getting ready to destroy my self esteem in one fell swoop by writing a masterpiece, but for now I’ll just fire a warning shot across his bow to see how he responds.

The Censor Song
(Santa Claus Is Coming To Town)

You better watch out,
You better not lie
Better not post,
Your feelings inside
Censor yourself or you will fry

We’re reading your crap and commenting twice,
Gonna make sure your thinking is right,
Censor yourself or you will fry

He sees you as insulting,
She knows that you’re a fake,
Who knows if you’re telling the truth
So we’ll burn you at the stake!

Oh!
You better watch out,
You better not lie
Better not post,
Your feelings inside
Censor yourself or you will fry

For anyone who wants to read some of my older parodies, here’s a few.

Emulation
‘Twas The Night Before Christmas
Little Drummer Boy
The Superman Song
All-Star

The Twelve Posts Of Christmas

• by GeekMan • In Poetry •   4

For Michele

On my first post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my second post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my third post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
Three Fresh Hits
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my forth post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
Four Commenters
Three Fresh Hits
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my fifth post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
Five Wishlist Things
Four Commenters
Three Fresh Hits
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my sixth post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
Six Flamers Flaming
Five Wishlist Things
Four Commenters
Three Fresh Hits
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my seventh post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
Seven Skins For Skinning
Six Flamers Flaming
Five Wishlist Things
Four Commenters
Three Fresh Hits
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my eighth post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
Eight War Blogs Warring
Seven Skins For Skinning
Six Flamers Flaming
Five Wishlist Things
Four Commenters
Three Fresh Hits
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my ninth post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
Nine Cam Whores Whoring
Eight War Blogs Warring
Seven Skins For Skinning
Six Flamers Flaming
Five Wishlist Things
Four Commenters
Three Fresh Hits
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my tenth post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
Ten Boobies Bouncing
Nine Cam Whores Whoring
Eight War Blogs Warring
Seven Skins For Skinning
Six Flamers Flaming
Five Wishlist Things
Four Commenters
Three Fresh Hits
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my eleventh post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
‘Leven Rans A-Ranting
Ten Boobies Bouncing
Nine Cam Whores Whoring
Eight War Blogs Warring
Seven Skins For Skinning
Six Flamers Flaming
Five Wishlist Things
Four Commenters
Three Fresh Hits
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

On my Twelfth post of Christmas,
My true fans gave to me:
Twelve AIMers AIMing
‘Leven Rants A-Ranting
Ten Boobies Bouncing
Nine Cam Whores Whoring
Eight War Blogs Warring
Seven Skins For Skinning
Six Flamers Flaming
Five Wishlist Things
Four Commenters
Three Fresh Hits
Two Linky-Loves
And A PayPal Dollar Or Three

Anyone have another suggestion?

Your Honor, I Can Explain

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Poetry, Rants •   2

The life of a Geek is never normal.

Let me give you an example. Saturday night a whole bunch of friends came over to visit HoBiscuit and I in our new apartment for the very first time. We had food and drink and a massive X-Box Halo bloodfest. By the end of the night there was a whole lot of garbage that needed to be disposed of, including the battered and bloody egos of some of my friends when Bread showed up unannounced and trashed us all using only the wimpy Needler. It wasn’t until everyone had left that I remembered garbage collection day was not until Tuesday night! That meant I would have to hold on to the three large & smelly bags of trash for three whole days before I could throw them away.

This was absolutely unacceptable to the dainty and cleanly HoBiscuit.

In a fit of devilishly clever brilliance my sweet woman not only devised a method of throwing out the trash on our non-trash day, but also figured out how to do it without getting her own hands dirty in the process.

“Honey?”
“Yes, my sweet HoBiscuit?”
“Are you going to bed now?”
“Well, seeing as how I’m in my pajamas in our completely dark bedroom and lying next to you in our soft & warm bed, I would think the answer is obvious.”
“Aren’t you afraid that the garbage will attract bugs?”
“There’s not much I can do about it right now, sweetie. It’s not our garbage night.”
“…”
“…”
“Honey?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“Are you the Man?”
“…”
“Well?”
“I’m wondering if my answer will improve my chances of getting lucky tonight.”
“That all depends on your answer.”
“I see.”
“So, are you the Man?”
“With the understanding that I know I’m digging a hole for myself, even if I don’t know exactly how yet, I have to say ‘yes’. I am the Man. Why?”
“Because real men take out the garbage.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen of the court, explains why I was wandering the streets at four AM on a Sunday morning in the rain, wearing nothing but my pajamas, holding three giant-sized, black trash bags and cursing my ‘Ho’. Now, if it will please the court, I would like to take a moment to pound these shards of broken glass into my own gonads using a rubber mallet while chanting “I Am Not The Man” to the tune of the Lumberjack Song.

I am not the Man
And that’s OK
I treat her right
Till I go insane…

Blog Star

• by GeekMan • In Poetry •   16

Blatent parody of All Star by Smash Mouth.

Somebody once told me
The world would never know me
I ain’t the sharpest wit on the web
She was looking kinda smug
With my hit count in a slump
When the light came back on in my forehead

Well, the words start coming and they don’t stop coming
Post to the world and I keep the post funny
Didn’t make sense not to write for fun
Your crap gets laughs but your best gets none
So what’s with you?
So what’s to say?
So what’s wrong with talking to pastry?
You’ll never know if you don’t toast
You’ll never shine if you don’t post

Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your Web Log
Web Page
Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your wish list
Get paid

All that traffic is gold
Hope this stupid song breaks the mold

It’s a dumb site and they say it’s not funny
You think it’s bad now? wait till I get money
But the Mighty Geek site begs to differ
Judging by the lack of some Mighty Fan pictures
The rhymes I make are getting pretty thin
The llama’s gonna swarm and I like to play Sims
My word’s are fine, how about yours?
That’s the way I like it so I’ll never get bored

Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your camera
Web date
Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your wish list
Get paid

All that traffic is gold
Only funny guys get the girls

Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Got your Web Log?
FrontPage
Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your wish list
Get paid

All that traffic is gold
Only looting songs

Somebody once asked
Could I be a psychopath?
I need to get myself committed today
I said heck, what a concept
I could post about my mental health
And we could all laugh another day

Well, the words start coming and they don’t stop coming
Post to the world and I keep the post funny
Didn’t make sense not to write for fun
Your crap gets laughs but your best gets none
So what’s with you?
So what’s to say?
So what’s wrong with talking to pastry?
You’ll never know if you don’t toast
You’ll never shine if you don’t post

Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your dream job
L.A.
Hey Now
You’re a Blog Star
Get your wish list
Get paid

All that traffic is gold
Only shooting stars drop a load
All that traffic is gold
Hope this stupid song breaks the mold

Credo Of The Web Log Writer

• by GeekMan • In Poetry •   18

I want to be a Web Log Writer.

I will create an ugly website using warez software and ad-infested free web hosts.
I will write something every other day about my boring and uninteresting life.
I will write in “Hackerese” and forego the use of initial caps, for caps are for the weak and non-l337.
I will become an avid reader, loyal fan and devout worshipper of the most popular ‘A-List’ Web Log Writers.
I will learn how to do what they do, only not as well.
I will purchase gifts for them via PayPal and their Amazon Wish Lists.
I will frequent their CafePress stores.
I will submit my site for review by any Internet critic with a website.
I will not become discouraged when they fail to reply to my emails or notice my website or me.
I will never give up in my quest.

I will become a Web Log Writer.

I will buy my own domain and create a new website of depth and beauty.
I will write something every day about my boring yet somehow compellingly interesting life.
I will reacquaint myself with the ‘shift’ button and stop spelling words in ‘Hackerese”, for that is for the young and immature.
I will create links to ‘A-Listers’ in the hopes of being noticed.
I will do what they do, only better.
I will create my own PayPal account and Amazon Wish List.
I will open a CafePress store.
I will forego sleep and my weekends because I value my small, yet growing, readership.
I will get average reviews from minor website critics.
I will work hard and garner a loyal following whose ranks will grow larger every day.

I will become an ‘A-List’ Web Log Writer.

I will be featured in a book or magazine.
I will write something every few days about my exciting and interesting life, and my words will be as gospel to the unwashed masses.
I will write poetry and buy a webcam.
I will only link to other ‘A-List’ Web Log Writers and ignore wannabe’s who link to me.
Other Web Log Writers will do what I do, only worse.
I will ignore or quit my real job since my loyal readership will support me via PayPal and my Amazon Wish List.
CafePress will make me a ‘Featured Store’.
I will be on every critic’s favorites list.
I will ignore my readership and become involved in an Internet romance or attend live meetings with other ‘A-List’ Web Log Writers.
I will stop caring about my visitors because they’re not worth my time.

I will be a ‘Has-Been’ Web Log Writer.

I will become disillusioned by Web Log Writing and the Internet in general.
I will write a poignant, sarcastic, mean-spirited farewell entry to alienate any visitors I might have left.
I will let my site rot and my links die.
Other Web Log Writers will do what I used to do, only better.
I will find a new job because my Internet romance will die and the other ‘A-List’ Web Log Writers will stop calling me.
I will be forced to close my CafePress store due to inactivity.
I will not be on anyone’s favorites list, not even my own.
I will come to the realization that I miss the life of a Web Log Writer.
I will create a new pseudonym and persona to shield myself from recognition.
I will begin my quest anew.

For I want to be a Web Log Writer.