HoBiscuit

O-bitch-uary

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, Experiments, HoBiscuit, Wedding •   18

GeekMan is dead.

His body was found underneath his computer desk in his home office by his flu-suffering fiancé HoBiscuit whose only response upon finding his remains was to repeatedly kick him in the groin while screaming, “Dammit, now I have to cancel this stupid wedding and I can’t even get my deposits back! You selfish bastard!”

Understandably, GeekMan had no reply.

Officials believe GeekMan was crushed to death by the combined weight of his wedding reception bills and his guilt about not updating his Blog in a week. Even though some officials did speculate that his death seemed a bit suspicious, they have since filed their reports and the death is now considered a horrible, but pleasantly necessary, accident. No mention was made of the llama hoof prints found near the body or the message, “It was the llamas.” written in his own blood on the floor.

Officials claim that he was just trying to be funny.

GeekMan is survived by a very angry fiancé who will not find this at all funny, a mother who will also not find this at all funny, a brother who will laugh because he knows no one else will find this at all funny, an imaginary antagonist known by the alias ‘Bread’, a very expensive home theater, a video game system and several dust bunnies who will now be free to take over the world.

May he finally rest in peace.

It’s Getting A Little Hectic

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, HoBiscuit, Wedding •   3

Not long now, Papa Smurf.

It’s getting awfully close to the big wedding day for me and HoBiscuit, and that means that I’m a very busy little Geek. In fact, I’m so busy that I may just have to cut back TMG updates to two times a week rather than the normal five. Especially now that I’m getting ready for the big day AND working all next week away from home AND posting over at HHHS (not for kids!) until Christmas.

Boy, am I stupid.

Anywaste, if you were being kept up late at night with scary nightmares of not being able to buy us a wedding gift in time for our wedding, fret no more. You still have a few more weeks before we tie the knot, so run, don’t walk, to Amazon and buy us a nice wedding gift. Something both HoBiscuit and I would love to have. You know, something like the Ranma ½ boxed set collections. Or some Stikfas. Or some James Bond movies.

But not Pilates DVDs. Dear lord, please no Pilates!

Warning Signals

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Rants •   10

There ought to be a Law.

Women should have to go through life with a rattle. And I don’t mean some sort of baby rattle that they shake when they want something brought to them by the studly Cabana Boy at their weekend country club, either. I’m talking about a scary rattle, not unlike that of a cornered rattlesnake. A rattle so frightening that the instant you hear it you’ll break out in a sweat so cold that you’re almost thankful for the spreading warmth of your suddenly soiled undergarments.

Now isn’t that a delightful image?

Women should be made to shake this rattle every time they say something that sounds reasonable and calm, but is actually dangerous and insane. Shall I give you an example?

GeekMan: “Hey Honey, I’m going out to see the guys tonight for dinner. I’ll be back around 11pm, k?”
HoBiscuit [angry]: “What? But we were supposed to be spending tonight together! I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks!”
GeekMan: “Oh Honey, I forgot! I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I forgot about that, but the guys have tickets to (something) and you know how much I like (something)… Would you like me to call the guys and tell them I can’t go? I could do that, or I could make it up to you tomorrow.”
HoBiscuit [angrier]: “You forgot?! About me?!”
GeekMan: “No HoBiscuit, I didn’t forget about you. I only forgot that we were going to stay in tonight because the guys told me about (something) and I got all excited to see (something). I’ll call them and cancel, it’s not a problem and they’ll understand. If you let me go though, I promise to make it up to you tomorrow, ok?”
HoBiscuit [suddenly very calm and understanding]: “Fine. You go out with the guys and I’ll stay home tonight.”
GeekMan [wary]: “Are you sure, because I could always tell the guys I can’t make it. I know what tonight meant to you and I have no problem ditching the guys. You’re MUCH more important to me than they are.”
HoBiscuit [nonchalant]: “No. You go out and have a good time. I’ll be just fine. Really.”
[rattle]

See? SEE?! That rattle sound would have saved my fricking life!

Laundry Pixies

• by GeekMan • In Breaking News, HoBiscuit, Rants •   7

I don’t understand.

Last week, HoBiscuit and I did the laundry together, leaving behind nothing unwashed. Today we once again have a full hamper. Nothing strange or noteworthy about that since we do tend to wear clothing during the normal course of our day, but what is strange is that all of the clothes in the hamper appear to be mine.

Say, “Wha?”

Did I miss something here? Is HoBiscuit doing her laundry at 4am while I’m asleep, or something? Do we have Laundry Pixies? How the heck can I, and only I, have a basket full of dirty clothes when HoBiscuit goes to work in a different outfit every morning while I lie in bed in my pajamas until noon?

Elementary math says this just doesn’t add up!

I count eight pairs of my shorts, ten of my shirts, my workout clothes, my pajamas and a whole slew of my socks and underwear, and all I see here that belongs to HoBiscuit are about two hundred pairs of panties! Ladies, help me out here. One of you, please, have pity on this poor Geek and explain to him why his woman has no dirty laundry to speak of after a whole week of wearing clothes. It’s driving me insane!

For the love of llamas, there aren’t even any BRAS!

This Daring Young Man

• by GeekMan • In Childhood Memories, Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   6

I was going to be Spider-Man.

When I was a kid, I always thought it would be really, really cool to be able to swing from building to building on a thin wire while catching crooks ‘just like flies’. Somersaulting, back flipping, high kicking, twisting and turning and cracking wise; I envisioned my adult life would be just like my favorite comic book. I would be a superhero. Not just any superhero either, I would be the best superhero in the city; all the other guys would always call me trying to get a little team-up action to help boost there own popularity.

Yeah, even Batman and Wolverine.

Of course, since I was such a cool Super-Dude, I’d be nice when I turned them down and not rub my own popularity in their faces. I’d remind Batman that he already had Robin and tell Wolverine that the X-Men were his team-up friends. I wouldn’t turn them down because I thought I was too good for them or better than they were or anything stuck up or obnoxious like that. Nope, I’d turn everyone down because I’d need to keep my calendar open for the only team-up that was worth my time.

GeekMan and Wonder Woman vs. The Lust Monster!

Anywaste, as I got older I realized that becoming a superhero wasn’t a career choice in the real world and that gaining super powers would involve putting myself through far too many dangerous and painful experiments/accidents/years of training. Instead, I slowly throttled my childhood dream by gaining a newer dream more in keeping with the real world.

I would make a million dollars, fund my own private army and take over the world.

But no matter how many years have passed since my youth I’ve always remembered my dream of swinging through the city air on a thin wire while the teeming masses below looked up at me in awe. And now, thanks to my sweet, loving, understanding and all-around wonderful HoBiscuit, and some gift certificates she bought for me, I finally get to live my dream.

I’m going to Trapeze School!

Oh, he floats through the air
With the greatest of ease,
This daring young man
On the flying trapeze

Lost At Sea

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Wedding •   2

The following conversation took place at 4am a few weeks ago. The entire conversation lasted less than one minute.

HoBiscuit: “Wake up, GeekMan!”

GeekMan: “What?! What?! Is the house on fire? Quick, grab the left front speaker of the VEHTS and I’ll grab the right!”

[holding back tears]
HoBiscuit: “How could you just leave me there? You let me drown! And you ran off with… with… her!”

GeekMan: “I what?”

HoBiscuit: “You know what you did!”

GeekMan: “I know I was sleeping…”

HoBiscuit: “How could you sleep after letting me die? You don’t really love me!”

GeekMan: “But honey, you’re not dead.”

HoBiscuit: “Don’t patronize me! You sound just like the captain.”

GeekMan: “Captain?”

HoBiscuit: “Of the ship! The one who performed the ceremony.”

GeekMan: “What ceremony?”

HoBiscuit: “It doesn’t matter now, I’m dead and you’re with the waitress with the big, fake boobies!”

[rubbing temples]
GeekMan: “Wait, I don’t understand. What happened?”

HoBiscuit: “You’re so stupid. I hope you’re happy.”
[HoBiscuit falls back to her pillow and is immediately asleep]

GeekMan: “Honey? Sweetie? What the hell was that all about?”

[HoBiscuit rolls over, snuggles up close and gives GeekMan a kiss on the cheek]
HoBiscuit: “I love you, too. Goodnight.”

GeekMan: “Holy crap, I’m marrying a psycho.”

GeekMan spends the next hour praying to every deity he’s ever heard of that HoBiscuit will not remember anything about her dream when she wakes up. He also mentally calculates how far away he could get if he should pawn the engagement ring and make a run for it. Sighing in resignation to his fate, he concludes that however far he gets, it will never be far enough. That night GeekMan dreams of being chased around a cruise ship by big, fake boobies with long, sharp, pointy teeth.

And HoBiscuit just laughs at him as she makes out with Captain Stubing.

Sticky Situation

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   4

I’m in sticky note hell.

Sticky note on TV:
“Taping movies for my sister. Do NOT use TV.”

Sticky note on bed:
“Bed is made perfectly for family visit. Do NOT sleep.”

Sticky note on fridge:
“Saving food for family visit. Do NOT eat.”

Sticky note on bathroom:
“Bathroom has been cleaned for family visit. Do NOT dirty.”

Sticky note on laundry basket:
“Do laundry, or big trouble.”

So I can’t watch TV, eat, sleep, or use the bathroom in my own house. Well, thank the lord I can still do the frickin laundry! Oh, but my life wouldn’t be worth living if I couldn’t do the laundry and thus please my significant other! How else can your loyal servant please you, Your Highness? Shall I rub your feet, My Queen? Maybe I should just bend over and grab my ankles? Would you prefer KY, Crisco or no lubrication at all as you shove your royal foot up my…

Hey, what’s this? Hmmm, I guess I missed this note on the computer…

Sticky note on computer:
“Remember, I read your stupid Blog. Do NOT Blog this or you’re in BIG TROUBLE.”

Dammit.

Maybe I’m Afraid Of Vampires

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   6

It seemed so harmless at first.

Thursday night I went out with some friends for dinner at a restaurant I had never been to before. I ordered a wonderfully tasty 16oz steak covered with some type of garlic sauce. It did come with a side of unidentified green vegetables, but I was too busy shoving steak down my throat with a sawed off chair leg to notice what it was.

The waiter suggested using compressed air, but that gives me gas.

Walking down the street on Friday afternoon, I was struck by the sudden need to have myself a slice or three of pizza. Of course, in order to properly eat world famous Brooklyn pizza, one must add some ‘perfection enhancing’ condiments to the superheated slice of heaven on earth before one can fully enjoy eating it. Of course, I’m talking about some crushed red pepper and a little garlic.

OK, a lot of garlic.

Later that day, Mother Geek came over for a visit and I decided to cook a nice dinner for her and HoBiscuit. I chose to make my infamous garlic & pepper filet mignon and garlic mashed potatoes, with sautéed onions and spinach as a second side dish. The ladies and I ate everything on our plates and then spent the next two hours picking spinach out of our teeth.

Have you caught on to the pattern yet?

Saturday afternoon I had Chinese food, specifically chicken in garlic sauce. For dinner, I went to a favorite restaurant of mine and ordered a dish that has as its main ingredients, beef & garlic.

Ah, I can see the light coming on over your head.

To make this long story a little shorter I have had at least one meal a day for the last four days that has had garlic in it. And now it is early Monday morning and I am not asleep in my bed. I am not sleeping even though I should be and even though HoBiscuit is happily snoring away in dreamland. Why am I not in bed, you ask?

Because I stink.

I stink to high-frickin-heaven, I do. I used to love garlic, but I tell you garlic is no longer my friend. HoBiscuit has made it very clear that no one who smells like garlic will be kissing her good night tonight and no matter how many times I brush my teeth or gargle with mouthwash; I continue to smell like garlic. So, while I’m stuck here in front of the computer with the foul odor of garlic wafting up from my body like the dust cloud of dirt from PigPen in those Peanuts cartoons, I thought I might as well ask you folks a question; Do you think it was a good idea for me to eat the leftover garlic bread as a midnight snack?

Uh-huh, I thought so. Dammit.

Fat Bastard

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit, Rants •   6

Last night my self image up and died.

I’ve always been skinny, almost anorexic actually, and I’ve never needed to exercise to maintain my Schwarzenegger inspired model-esque physique. But last night it was explained to me, in no uncertain terms, that I was no longer the rail thin, super-skinny, sex god of my youth.

Don’t misunderstand; I’m still a sex god. Just not such a thin and fit one, is all.

In fact, over the last year or so, I think I’ve developed a ‘Gamers Pooch’. You know, the slightly distended belly of someone who spends as much time as possible in front of a computer or television instead of doing anything that might be mistaken as exercise? It’s gotten so bad, and my body is so out of shape, that attempting to do even a single pushup might send me into immediate cardiac arrest. Eating a salad, or lord forbid a granola bar, could very well cause my colon to explode as if I were a suicide bomber on a bus in Israel.

And so, I refused to exercise so the world would not lose its one true Geek.

All that changed last night. As I was getting into bed I turned around to pick something up off the floor. As I did so, I heard HoBiscuit give a quick gasp and then burst out in a fit of giggles. Not understanding what was so funny, I turned around to face the bed and saw her lying there and pointing at me, laughing so hard she was crying.

“What’s so funny, HoBiscuit?”
[giggling and pointing]
“You shouldn’t be pointing at my crotch and laughing, honey. I told you it shrinks when it’s cold out. Or when it’s frightened.”
[giggling becomes hysterical]
“Come on, honey. I’m too tired for this. What’s so frickin funny?”
“Your ass.”
[More laughing]
“Sigh. My ass. And what about my ass is so funny?”
“I can see it!”

Oh. Crap.

I had a hole in my pajamas. A really, REALLY big hole. Now, granted these pajamas are about 7 years old and I wear them almost every night, but still, one would think I’d notice a new hole in them large enough to accommodate another leg. But I hadn’t, and now HoBiscuit would, as was her right, make fun of me for the next several weeks.

[singsong voice]
“Fat ass! Fat ass! GeekMan’s got a fat ass!”
[/singsong voice]

So, now I need to start exercising again so I can banish not only my Gamers Pooch, but also my very own big, fat ass. Does anyone know if channel surfing can be considered as part of a daily workout schedule?

No? Stupid, stupid slowing metabolism.

This Is Worth The Beating I’ll Receive Later

• by GeekMan • In Geek Life, HoBiscuit •   4

Last nights actual conversation as I finally join HoBiscuit in bed at 1:30am.

“Goodnight, Sweetie.”
“Hmmmm? GeekMan?”
“Yes?”
“Did you click the right option?”
“What?”
“We need… option, or we won’t work. Crash.”
[snicker] “Honey, are you sleeping?”
“I don’t know.”
“Go back to sleep, Honey. You’re not making any sense.”
“But I am sleeping. The frog’s email said so.”
“…”
“I think I’m dreaming.”
“Ribbit, ribbit.”
“That’s right.”
[HoBiscuit begins to snore lightly as GeekMan shakes uncontrollably with suppressed laughter.]

I think my girl’s been working too hard.